it's always so interesting to me when i can see how the Lord is answering my prayers. it truly does make me stand in awe of him.

since india, i have consistenty been praying that the Lord would give me a sense of wonder, and He has definitely done just that. as i sat in my social work class this morning at the awful hour of 7:50, i looked out the window and saw the contrast of the leaves changing color with the dark grey sky, and i was astounded. it was beauty at its finest and probably simplest as well, but breathtaking beauty to say the least. last year i may have noticed the colors and appreciated how it looked, but i don't think i would have had a second thought about how those vibrant, contrasting colors truly show the Lord's creativity and desire to woo us into a deeper relationship with him.

another prayer that i have consistenty been praying since india is that my heart would break for what breaks his. now, i am fully aware of the danger that comes with that prayer, but it is one that i have not been able to get out of my head or off my heart for quite some time now. and as i sat in an apartment this afternoon with my case manager, i think it is safe to say that i had another heartbreaking moment that gave me just a small glimpse of what the He goes through each and every second.

his walls were yellow, stained with smoke; the only white spots on the walls were where pictures must have once hung. his bookshelf was filled with bibles and commentaries with layers of dust covering them. his living room consisted of two chairs covered with sheets, a television, a makeshift desk and a stool with a rip in it. his black cat is the fattest cat i have ever seen, and more than likely his refrigerator was half empty due to him being more worried about paying his bills than eating, because after all, the last time he ran out of food for three days, he lost 11 pounds.

as i sat there, listening to him and my case manager discuss how he was going to handle his finances for the month of november, i saw him in agony as he was overcome by anxiety. i listened to him talk about being afraid of going down to the "club", because he knew he was going to either get shot or beat up. i listened to him say over and over again that he would never buy another thing because he had really screwed up this last time, but when you cope with your anxiety by buying things how else is one suppose to survive? when you are a paranoid schizophrenic who has severe anxiety and obsessive compulsive disorder how do you function in a world that is not made for you and has little to no tolerance for people like you either?

it isn't fair.

he didn't ask for these illnesses, and although i may never understand why these things have had to happen to him or to any of the other clients i have interacted with over the last four weeks, i do know that the Lord has used them to impact my life; in these cases, He has used the clients to break my heart for what breaks his, to have empathy like never before, to become completely uncomfortable in homes that aren't the cleanest and with people who smoke, and to have strength to laugh so i don't cry when the days get rough.

and although i know my heart is only going to continue to break as i continue to embark on my journey to social work and in what the Lord has for me, i will praise him for the fact his power is made perfect in my weaknesses, and that although i might not be able to change the whole world, perhaps i can help change some individual's worlds and in turn leave the world a better place when i am gone.

may he continue giving me the strength to love boldy, to entrust people into his care, and to trust so very blindly.