Saturday, January 24, 2009

as the cursor blinks at me on my computer screen, it is almost as though it is mocking me for not knowing where to begin. it's saturday night, and i have found myself alone, again in my red chair, listening to some thumping noise coming from the room upstairs. the tv is on, multiple games of word twist have been played, another webcam has attempted to be installed, and yet the night is still young.

as i have walked, more like sprinted, through this semester it's hard for me to believe that it's almost february. actually, three months from tomorrow is graduation. my schedule has been unlike any ever before, and if i am being completely honest, i'm not sure i'll ever adjust to it. i miss lunch and coffee dates with friends, and i miss lazy weekday afternoons where stories and laughter flow in abundance. i miss having a consistent schedule and i miss how easy being intentional used to be for me.

as i am continuing to work through the things that i miss, i am beyond thankful for where i have been placed for my practicum. not only is the work environment more welcoming and encouraging than i could ever explain, the convenient location of it being less than 5 minutes from iwu has been more helpful than i imagined. not only does it mean that i don't have to wake up incredibly early to plan for an hour commute, but it also has allowed me to come back to school on random breaks during the day, and in those times the Lord has provided me with some divine appointments. divine appointments that will not easily be forgotten...

it continues to amaze me at how the Lord works. it amazes me that he knows what we need before we do, and it amazes me even more that he will give that to us without hesitation.

in the midst of trying to adjust to life in the real world while still living at school, my thoughts have not stop traveling halfway around the world to india. emails have come about once a week to update about johnson. he's still in the hospital and continues to be on and off the ventilator. i feel as though they still are unsure as to whether or not he is going to make it, but i continue praying for a miracle.

on tuesday night of this week, after i received the latest update about johnson, i found myself in the lobby sitting in front of the fireplace in tears as i tried to explain to a dear friend of mine what i was thinking. i'm not entirely sure i ever really put words to it, but it hurts so much to know that i could lose him, and it hurts that much more feeling selfish for wanting him to hang on so i can see him, spend time with him, laugh with him, and learn from him again. i hate knowing he's laying in a hospital bed halfway around the world, and as stacey put it the other day, not receiving the care that he could be receiving here in the states. and yet, i hate that it's been almost a month since he's been there, and i haven't been able to see him or talk to him. i'm still tempted almost every day to buy a plane ticket and make my way over there, and i don't think that will ever change either.

it's hard to believe that i've been home for six months. not a day has gone by that i haven't thought about my kids or the rest of my family over there whose lives have gone on without me. and as jess and i watched the videos from our time there on thursday night, it truly seemed like we were just there yesterday. it's amazing to me that almost exactly at this time last year plans started falling into place for last summers trip. and as i walk in the path the Lord has set out for me, i continue hoping and praying everyday that i will find myself back at the place i left such a huge part of my heart again this summer.

in the mean time, though, may i continue learning, growing, and trusting. may the Lord allow me to be a seeker an speaker of truth, may he continue to break my heart for what breaks his, and may he continue helping me to see myself through his eyes rather than my own...

Sunday, January 4, 2009

as i write tonight, i find myself nestled in my comfortable red chair, wrapped in my cow blanket, back at iwu. house is on tv right now, the link to facebook is on the bottom of my screen with a freshly finished game of word twist behind me, and yet even with all the distractions, i would be lying if i said my mind wasn't trying to travel to 1,000 different places at about 100 miles per hour. i can't even entirely put words to everything; however, i might as well try...

i never would have guessed that the lessons i learned this summer while in india about the power of prayer and about entrusting others into the Lord's care would be playing such a huge role in my life right now. i guess it just goes to show that we, as Christians, are never done learning or growing.

regardess. i received an email late last tuesday night asking for urgent prayer for my beloved thatta halfway around the world. as soon as i read the subject of the email, my eyes welled with tears, and when i read that Johnson was in ICU of a hospital on a ventilator, the tears started falling. images flashed through my mind of the hospital we worked in this summer, the ICU there, of Johnson sitting at his desk exclaiming, "Good morning, children!" as the three of us girls would open the door to our apartment, of his belly jiggling as he laughed with us during coffee every afternoon, of him saying, "We go" after we finished dinner, of walking down the path with him to the orphanage singing hymns, of our last sunday together, of our good-bye at the airport and countless others. and then i started to envision this man, who i admire, adore, love, cherish, and miss so much laying in a hospital bed...completely helpless. and i, halfway around the world from him, am completely helpless as well.

needless to say, the tears continued to fall and sleep was hard to come by that night.

the days that have followed have been no walk in the park. emails have continued to come--some giving me hope, others making me face the harsh reality that he might not live. i check my email multiple times a day with hopes of receiving news, knowing that in the mean time there is nothing i can do but pray.

i don't think that when Johnson told us girls this summer that he had faith we would meet again i realized how precious those words were. i feel as though i simply overlooked the fact that the truth he spoke of might not mean we would meet again here on earth, but rather someday we would be joyfully reunited in heaven...and what better place for that?? i'm not saying i think i won't see him again until both of us are in heaven, because i have faith that God, who is still a God of miracles, can completely heal him, but i am now acknowledging and remembering the fact that the Lord's ways are and always be far above mine.

the thousands of miles that are separating us make my heart hurt and the cost of a plane ticket and the reality that classes start on tuesday make my head spin. i would drop everything in a heartbeat to go sit by his bedside, to go and spend time with the children and let them know i'm just as scared as they are, and to offer encouragement in whatever way i can. but. i will continue reminding myself of the power of prayer and the importance of entrusting those whom i hold dearest to my heart into his care because they are much safer there anyway.

and as all of this continues to transpire, i will continue trusting blindly that when i am without words, the Holy Spirit will intervene. and i rest in the fact that the same Jesus who wraps me in his loving arms and wipes each tear away that i cry is also in the hospital room with Johnson, holding him and his family close to his heart, wiping their tears away, and calming their fears.

[thank you, Lord, that you are in more than
one place at a time, and that you are and always will be
in control. i praise you for still being God of miracles,
and i humbly bow at your feet asking for just that. i ask
that your power would be made perfect in all our weaknesses
who are involved in this situation--whether directly
or indirectly. would you place your angels
at the four corners of Johnson's room and not allow
satan to have any place in this situation? i pray for a
peace that passeth all understanding, and i ask that you would
simply bring healing. allow Johnson and his family to experience
you in a new and different way and may the cloud of
witnesses see your glory reflected in this situation and learn
and recognize how powerful you are through this.
may all the glory, honor, and praise go to you, Father.
thank you for the awesome privilege you give to your children
in praying for their fellow brothers and sisters, and thank
you for being a God of compassion and a God who cares.]