i love sunshine, laying out, and even being a little sunkissed. (i like to refer to being burnt as sunkissed. it makes it sound a little more pleasant that way.) really, though, i've loved this vacation. not because we've done anything extravagant. actually, it's been the complete opposite of that; but i've loved it because i've been able to rest and be refreshed.

i'm not the kind of girl that likes to feel defeated in anything, and normally, i don't let myself admit defeat or failure, but on this vacation i've come to grips with the reality that i failed miserably when it came to taking care of myself. you would think since i work in the mental health field, that i would know the importance of taking care of my own mental health, but apparently, i mistakenly thought i was above that. just call me crazy. hopefully, though, i learned my lesson.

in hindsight, i over ran myself. i lived by my schedule which ultimately became too tightly packed as i feared disappointing someone, feared something not getting done as it should be done, feared letting someone down, feared...well, you get the picture. and the worst part, i'm not a fearful young woman. and by fearful i mean, i'm not afraid of snakes, spiders, lizards, bugs, dirt, and the like. i can handle all of those things quite well; sometimes even better than my husband. but throw in the possibility of letting someone down or the possibility of someone thinking less of me because i don't meet their expectations--quite frankly, i'm scared to death. i think it would be easier to be scared of snakes or spiders though, but in my case, that's just not reality.

but the truth is, i cannot meet everyone's expectations all the time. i cannot save people; i cannot be in 2, 3, or 5 places at once; i cannot survive on only 6 hours of sleep a night for an extended period of time. i am human. (and for my own sake, i need to repeat that once more) i am human. (ok, maybe once more) i am not superwoman; simply put, i am human.

i am a young woman who has chosen a profession that by nature is busy, hectic, and chaotic. and boy does God sure have a sense of humor, because i'm not a big fact of hecticness (is that even a word?) nor am i a big fan of chaos. i like order. i like to have control. i like things to be neat, and i thrive on a schedule. believe me, i get made fun of for being OCD plenty, but i think the large piece of the puzzle i missed is that Satan took what i think i thrive in and used it to almost completely and almost destroy me.

and it's so lame that he can do that. i'll say it again, LAME. LAME. LAME.

but, what is beautiful is redemption...and this vacation has helped open my eyes to the need for me to be redeemed. to be reminded of the simple, yet so often forgot truths, i am not made to handle life on my own. i cannot survive by my own strength, and i am not suppose to have all the answers. His power is made perfect in my weaknesses, but i have to be willing to let Him work. sometimes i think i squelch the work He wants to do in and through me because i think i have things figured out so well that i don't even think twice about how much i need Him daily, hourly, or even how much i need Him every minute.

and to think that i almost didn't come on vacation; like i said just call me crazy.

but why, you ask, did i almost not come on vacation? or maybe you don't ask, but i'm going to tell you anyway. because i didn't think it would make a difference. i didn't think i really needed it, i didn't think that i was so beat down or tired. pretty much, i was thinking straight because i didn't want it to be a reality. it was a hard pill for me to swallow, because again, that meant i had to admit defeat.

anyway, now i face the reality that i have one full day left to bask in the sun, to not think about work, to not worry about what will need done when i get home, to not fret about what i need to change to be a better wife, daughter, or friend--and i love it. going home, i will jump back into my crazy, busy life.

but i love my crazy, busy life. and it was when i lost sight of the fact that i love everything i do (including my job) that things felt like they were falling apart for me.

and it was when i got so caught up in my fear of disappointing people or letting people down that i couldn't take it anymore. i'm not sure that i will ever "cure" myself of this, but i think after this vacation i realize how detrimental it can be to my well being letting other people define the way they think my life should look. and being aware is the first step to making a change.

so, no matter what things get added to my plate or taken off my plate, i will do my best to not live within the expectations i feel are set for me by others. but instead, i will strive to live within the expectations my Heavenly Father has of me; and i believe that simply is for me to let Him love me well.