seeking truth...

2012-02-01T16:46:00.000-08:00

Welcome to week 29 of my pregnancy; I know, I know, I missed a few weeks. Every Sunday after church after I already put my sweats on, I always said, "DANGIT! We forgot to take a picture again." And the reality of it was I didn't want to change back for a picture. Overall, pregnancy has gotten easier. The sickness still is gone unless I go too long without eating. The downfall is that I'm having to get up more in the night to go to the bathroom, and I'm starting to not sleep as well. On the brighter side, you can definitely see my stomach move all the time when she is moving at this point. She responds to noises, and she really likes the music at church. Her sleeping patterns vary it seems, but she is definitely the most active at night. I feel her kicking me in the middle of the night too when I lay back down to go to sleep. I feel like I need to enjoy these few weeks of pregnancy as MUCH as possible considering that the first several were rather rough, especially since I have heard how uncomfortable I am likely going to start getting. Moving on though.

Life outside of pregnancy has been hectic. I picked up a few new cases at work, and I have been busier in the last few weeks than I have been in months. This definitely helps the days go by faster, but I hate feeling behind in the office. My to-do list is getting shorter, but due to my type A personality I hate the fact that there is still even a to-do list on my desk as I'm sitting at home right now. Not enough to work on it while I am at home and not enough to terribly stress myself out at work, but I still dislike it. One of my new cases includes me working until 7:00 p.m., which isn't the end of the world, but it just is going to take awhile to get used to. The upside is that I only have 10-11 weeks until maternity leave so it can't be too terrible!

In other news...I don't feel as though I can post the whole story here, but I learned this week and last week that people are desperate and not trustworthy. A client with whom I work stole my wallet while in the car with me. Now, of course, it's a material thing and the reality of it is, I am fine and Eliana is fine and for that I am grateful, but it just doesn't make sense to me how someone who I am trying to help feels as though they can take advantage of me like that. Regardless, it is out of my hands at this point, but I was angry and I still kind of feel angry at times. My wallet didn't really mean that much to me; sure, it was cute and I liked it, but it can be replaced. The money I lost, well I'm not sure that will ever be replaced, but the tickets from my honeymoon and the receipt from the pregnancy test that I was planning to put in Eliana's babybook are gone. They are small and in the big scheme of things they don't matter, but it just is so not right. However, in spite of my anger, I have had to pray consistently for God to help me handle the situation with grace. And out of that, I want this person to know that while there will likely be consequences for their actions and choices, they still have a second chance. Honest to goodness, I believe that with my whole heart. And I have been praying somehow God will use this as a wake up call and that they will learn something from this. Don't get me wrong, it's not ok to steal, but there is always forgiveness.

On a lighter note, I haven't posted any parenting advice. I guess this has also kind of turned into funny things people say to me throughout my pregnancy too so here I go:

1. I had a lady say to me the other day as she asked if I would like to hold her son, "Have you ever thought of how crazy it would be if your daughter and my son got together and got MARRIED? Then we would be related!" I thought to myself quickly and wasn't entirely sure how to respond other than by saying, "No, I've never thought of that." She was insistent that it could happen due to them being the same age. I'm convinced there has to be something in the social work code of ethics that forbids it. Not to mention that I would forbid it for my daughter knowing what I know.
2. One of my 9 year old clients could not WAIT to tell me when I got to her house, "Did you know that everytime you pee, your baby pees at the same time? Everytime you poop, your baby poops too?!" I about died...
3. And just today, as I was playing with this man's 15 months old son, he looks at me and says, "Do you even have any experience with kids?" I wanted to say, "No, I don't; I don't get PAID to work with families and children or anything. I have never babysat for anyone in my life, I have no nieces or nephews, I have no younger cousins, and quite honestly, I could REALLY use your help telling me all there is to not about babies since you are a superstar dad." However, I refrained considering that I have been working with this family for approximately 3 years, and I did not figure that he would catch my intense sarcasm. Instead I said, "Yes, I have some experience with kids." And moved on from there...

I am never ceased to be amazed though. Never...nor do I think I will ever be as I continue on my journey in that job.

2012-01-18T18:17:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I wish people could be a fly on the wall in my house to hear my husband's and my interactions; we think we are quite funny.

Through a course of events last night, Dan and I started talking about the future and him getting a job after graduation. You can only imagine how these types of conversations go with a Type A personality (me) and a Type B personality (Dan), and in case you can't imagine how they go, well, they don't go well. Dan's philosophy is "I will get a job at some point and it will be fine." My philosophy is "I need to know when you are going to get a job so that I can figure out insurance, my internship, babysitting for Eliana, and paying for my Grad School." After expressing that to Dan, Dan's philosophy still remains, "I will get a job at some point and it will be fine." To make a long story short, Dan eventually looks at me as I continue to list all the reasons I need answers and for him to get a job ASAP after graduation and says, "You're so...You're so...UGH, I don't even have a word for it!!" To which I mock him and say, "Well you need to practice using your words so why don't you come up with something?" He tried determined, focused, "planny", etc; I agreed with him, and he was shocked. His response to that was, "Well, I was going to say rigid and inflexible, but I didn't figure you would take that well." I laughed, so hard, because it is so true. Like I said, I Type A; 100% maybe 150%. It's a good thing I married a Type B to balance me out.

And to top the rest of the night off, my devotions were all about trusting God with the future. I couldn't help but laugh, and I would venture to say God was probably shaking his head and smiling at me as well.

Anyway, if you think about it; I'd appreciate your prayers for the opportunity that started the converstaion between Dan and me for the future. God has a plan, and I know that. I must trust Him, and I must trust He will have me in the perfect place at the perfect time.

Moving on; I have a couple piece of parenting advice/stories I figured are worth sharing:

1. Last week I had a client who continuously attempted to put her feet on me and they smelled WRETCHED. I know that since I am pregnant my sense of smell is enhanced, but seriously, I thought I would vomit. Before I left the house, I told her dad that she needed a bath that night, and he asked me if she smelled bad. I told him that her feet smelled and that she needed a shower. His response, "Well, that's what she gets for not wearing socks with her boots." To which I asked my client why she doesn't wear socks with her boots. She responded, "They make my feet too hot in the furry boots." Her dad said, "And I'm not quite sure how you argue with that logic!!" I left the house shaking my head thinking; argue with that logic? Really? When you are the parent and you have a child and you want them to wear socks, you simply do not give them an option. Now that seems more logical to me; especially considering its 24 degrees outside.
2. I had another client tell me that I really need to watch my bladder after I have a baby, because it drops and becomes weak and I am going to lose all control over it once the baby is here. Now, I'm well aware that while pregnant there is more pressure on the bladder and after being pregnant I am not saying that my bladder won't have changed or whatever, but losing all control? I'm not convinced...perhaps in three months I will feel differently, but just saying. Seems a little far fetched to me.

Ok, that's all I've got for now; I'm sure there will be more soon!

2012-01-15T17:52:00.000-08:00

"Don't be sorry for compassion. It can move us to do amazing things, and it can help you gain a new perspective." -Soul Surfer

My heart is overwhelmed tonight; overwhelmed at the way God chooses to show up. Not in a bad way by any means. You see, tonight Dan went to bed early because he has clinical tomorrow, and I didn't need to go to bed early tonight because I have MLK day off work. The majority of my homework is finished and because this is pretty much my last official three day weekend until Eliana arrives I decided to watch Soul Surfer that I have had recorded for quite some time.

What a powerful story. What an amazing young lady not afraid to stand up for what she believes in and who trusts the Lord wholeheartedly regardless of the storms she has be through.

It reminds me of the small group; I talked with the girls today about the fact that they were made to make a difference. They were created for purpose. They were created with intention, and God stands in awe of them. It reminds me of the reality that God has created me for purpose and stands in awe of me as well. He has created me to love my clients even when they are unlovable. He has created me to be an encourager to those he has brought across my path. He has created me to be an example. He has created me raise Eliana to know Him, to trust Him, to love Him, to honor Him, and to believe that she is created with purpose as well.

I am so unworthy; truly unworthy. If people only knew my flaws, my worries, my control issues they would understandly that I really am a wretch that was saved. Saved solely by grace.

I didn't ask for God to show up today in my life the way that He has necessarily, but He met me where I was at. He knew that I needed it, and for that I am grateful. I am grateful that with every kick Eliana makes I am reminded of what her name truly means: "God has answered with joy". In case you missed that GOD has answered with JOY, not just in entrusting me with the baby He has given to me but in so many other areas as well.

If only Eliana could understand how much she has already taught me before I have even held her in my arms.

Thank you, Father...

2012-01-10T17:52:00.001-08:00

So it may be hard to believe that I am posting two days in a row, but I figured I needed to take advantage of my last night of freedom before I start school again. I finished reading a book, and I decided it was time for me to write about what God reminded me about last week.

You see, last week, I was sitting in a missions committee meeting where we started talking about how many people's lives have been changed in the 10-40 window due to them receiving training about developing businesses. Essentially, it capatalizes on individuals' strengths and helps them to become successful in their communities and better able to provide for their families. Along with many other things. However, my heart started racing thinking of the impact that has already been made but still about the work that needs to be done.

It is such a foreign thought to so many of us in the United States that there are actually people halfway around the world who have no idea who Jesus is. It is such a foreign thought to so many of us that people are living in complete and total darkness, unaware of the Gospel, and not by choice. And it is such a foreign thought to us that we should take ANY part in spreading the Good News to those who have never heard. But the reality is, there are several people groups who have never heard of Jesus and several who do not even know what the Gospel is. And the other reality is that being a part of spreading the Good News to those who have never heard is not a choice, it is not an option, it is a command.

So many verses in scripture refer to "GOING", and yet no where in scripture have been able to find where it is something that we get to CHOOSE whether or not we do. If we are a part of God's family, then to me, it feels as though it is an expectation He has of us. The funny thing to me is, He doesn't need me to do His work, yet he chooses to use me; He can show up to people in dreams, visions, and in so many other ways, yet He has chosen ME to be his vessel for sharing His message with other people.

The hard part for me right now, though, is that I am not halfway around the world living out my faith in such a way that inspires people who do not know Jesus to come to know him more. Yes, I am in contact with people each and every day who does not know Jesus, and I do my best at sharing His love with them through my actions, but so much of my heart is overseas.

Dan and I were just talking the other night before we went to bed about how much we wish we could travel overseas to encourage those already serving or to begin building relationships with natives. But yet, he ever so calmly reminded me that we are where we are for a reason. It is for reasons that he does not understand and it is for reasons that I do not understand. But yet we both know we still have a responsibility to play in helping others come to know Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savior.

So how does it all fit together then? Our hearts are still overseas, but yet we know we are here for a reason...oh I wish I knew. How I wish I knew...But what is important for me to remember, is that in God's perfect time we both will understand how and why everything has fit together the way that it has.

I just hope and pray that we can raise Eliana Joy to have a heart for others, a heart for the lost, a heart for the nations, and to know that the God our family serves and will continue to serve deserves all the praise, glory and honor.

And for now, I end with Luke 10:2, the prayer of my heart regarding missions right now, because prayer can make more of a difference than what we realize, "These were his instructions to them, "The harvest is plentiful but the workers are few. So pray to the Lord who is in charge of the harvest; ask him to send more workers into his fields.'" May He do just that...May He send more workers into his fields so that more people may come to worship him.

Because when it comes down to it; missions exists because worship doesn't.

2012-01-09T19:01:00.000-08:00

Week 15
Week 18

Week 24

Week 25

So my husband had this fabulous idea to take a picture a week of my growing belly. Well, in my eyes it was kind of silly to take pictures of a belly that wasn't change enough to be able to tell through pictures. However, I appeased him in weeks 15 and 18 and let him take a picture, and now from here on out, I will do my best to get pictures as I am starting to show a little more.

People still have a hard time believing that I'm due in April with how little I am showing, but it's not like I have shared with them my experience with morning sickness and then my bout with the flu. And the other reality is, I feel like she is growing by leaps and bounds each day. As my morning sickness has subsided mostly, I feel like she is awake more during the day as she often kicks a good part of the time while I am at work. Usually night is when she is the most active and it seriously makes me laugh out loud to watch my belly jump as she kicks or punches or rolls or does whatever she does. She was even doing it at church on Sunday; perhaps that just means that she's going to be a little girl full of the Holy Spirit, though. :)

Anyway, I just wanted to share this tonight, bed it calling my name as work will come much earlier than desired tomorrow. More to come next time about how God has been moving in my life...

Oh, and one last thing: one of my client's last week said to me as he is raising three kids by himself, "Well, I would tell you to not get married because nothing good ever comes from it but it looks like it's a little late for that and I would tell you not to have kids because they are a pain in the butt, but it looks like it's a little late for that too." REALLY, sir?! Is how I wanted to respond, but instead, I smiled because my life is none of his business for one, and for two, I know I am exactly where the Lord wants me in life right now and nothing could be better than that.

2012-01-03T18:35:00.000-08:00

Someone remind me to never again talk about how I am going to spend my free time. Life has been a little on the hectic side, but I suppose that is nothing new.

First, legitimately a week after class I got the worst stomach flu of my life. I seriously don't think I have ever been so sick in my entire life, and in over two years of work, I had to take my first sick day which then turned into two sick days. Chalk up a trip to the ER too why don't we on the first night that the nasty bug reared its ugly head. Thankfully, the nurses and doctors were able to stop all my symptoms and after almost two bags of fluids, I wasn't as dehydrated. It took me about 5 days to fully recover, but now I am back to normal. Well as normal as I can be awhile pregnant with the morning sickness that is still left.

The sad part of the whole stomach flu fiasco was that I had started feeling sick at work, but I didn't think anything of it really because I have been so used to being sick for nearly the last five months. Fortunately, I didn't get sick in my client's house; I made it outside to their yard, was then able to finish the meeting, drive halfway home, pull over and get sick, and then I made it back to my house before the worst of it hit. Still NOT fun, and NOT fun while pregnant. Thankfully, from what we know right now, Baby Eliana is still doing well. Her heartrate was good at the hospital and it was good at my doctor's appointment the Friday after. And let's be honest, she's still kicking up a storm. So I am just hoping and praying that she was protected and everything will continue moving on smoothly. Did I mention Dan ended up with the flu two days later?? Thankfully he didn't get it as bad...

So, moving on, after recovering from the flu, then it was Christmas. And oh how I love Christmas!! We celebrated with Dan's dad's family where we announced Eliana's name by giving Dan's younger sister all the letters mixed up in a box that she had to try to arrange and then pronounce the name. It didn't work out so well so then the whole family got in on it, and we were able to tell them. Everyone liked it, but no one had heard of it, so it took awhile for some of them to learn how to pronounce it.

Then on Christmas morning, Dan and I were talking before we got ready for church and my cell phone rang. It was 8:30 in the morning, and when I saw it was my mom I was a little shocked because she's not usually up that early. When I answered, she told me my grandma had collapsed and dad was rushing over to her house immediately and 911 had already been called. To make a long story short, she was taken to the hospital by ambulance, kept for observation, had a heart attack the day after, was transferred to Parkview in Fort Wayne and then had a Pacemaker put in on Tuesday and was back home on Wednesday where she is doing well but still recovering.

That added a little bit of stress on Christmas day, but I am beyond thankful that she is ok. She seems to be a little excited to have a great-grandchild around here since her eldest great-grandchild lives in Arizona and Kaelyn lives 5 hours away. Later that day we still went to Dan's mom's house for Christmas with that side of the family. The kids were so excited and there was so much energy but it was a good day.

My sister and her husband then got home that night and we went to see them over there; they were home from Sunday night-Friday morning so LOTS of time was spent over at my parents house that week, but spending time with them and my niece was precious. And then after that week, it was the weekend and Dan and I did not do anything for New Years as we recovered from the craziness of the past week or so.

And now it's back to work. And soon school will be starting again, but for now, I will relish in the time that I do not have to spend doing school work because I have a feeling this next class is going to kick my behind.

That's all for now; next time, I will update more parenting advice...have no fear, they haven't stopped giving it!

2012-01-01T18:51:00.001-08:00

ok, so I am a little bit late of doing my list of things I am thankful for on my birthday...believe me, the week of Christmas was a week unlike any other, but I will post more about that later. Now on to the list of 25 things I am thankful for this year. If you are curious about what the postings have been in the two years previous, I actually posted them on my birthdays; December 29 of 2009 and 2010.

I am thankful for...(in no particular order)

1. A relationship with a consistent God who is always there and loves me unconditionally no matter how many times I fail; although there have been dry times in my walk this past year, He still always shows up and never ceases to amaze me.
2. Over a year of marriage with my husband; we have learned, grown and laughed together. We have grown frustrated at times, but we have adjusted to life with both of us in school and still working. I love him very much.
3. My parents; it is so true that you don't realize how much your parents did for you as a kid until you grow up and leave the house. But I adore my parents and the time we are able to spend together.
4. Another volleyball season; it is so fun to be able to help out with something I love. Not to mention I also have the privilege to hang out with some of the most amazing other women and high school girls there are.
5. My in-laws; after hearing people's horror stories this year, I really took a step back and realized how blessed I am to have in-laws who I enjoy spending time with and who geniunely care about me as a person and my relationship with their son.
6. My new niece, Kaelyn Leanne; she is just precious. I love getting pictures and videos of her from my sister. I hate the distance that separates us, but there is nothing better than rocking her to sleep.
7. My fabulous sister; I feel like this year was a year of growth in my relationship with my sister. She truly has become one of my best friends this year, and I cherish the time we have had together, the conversations we share, and the understanding we have.
8. My church; I love going on Sunday mornings hearing the Word of God preached, praising the Lord. One of my most favorite things is seeing the little kids dance during worship. It truly is one of the sweetest things I have ever seen.
9. The fact that I have completed two semesters of grad school; being back in school isn't all it's cracked up to be, but I only have one year of classes left before my internship and I am thankful for that too.
10. DVR; this probably sounds lame, but the reality of it is, being in school and working full time I have had to develop a self-care plan that allows me to take time for myself. DVR has allowed me to watch mindless TV shows that help me get my mind off of the often horribly negative stories I hear daily.
11. My family in India; even though I did not see them this year, I think of the daily and miss them immensely. I even just got a Facebook request from one of the girls I was closest with at the orphanage my first year there. What a sweet surprise.
12. My job; although my job frustrates me to no avail, I know I am privileged to have a job and to be investing in the people's lives I work with in the way that I am. I would be foolish to not be thankful for the opportunities it gives me to share God's love with people every day.
13. My friends; I am relearning what it means to need people. We were created for community, and I am thankful for the supports I have.
14. Seeing the sunrises and sunsets; the colors still amaze me, and the beauty of them increases my gratefulness to the Lord for caring about the minute details of our lives.
15. My dad's stories from his trips overseas; maybe this is double dipping since I already said I was thankful for my parents, but I love listening to my dad tell stories. Now, first of all, he is a great storyteller, but the reality of it is, hearing about the ways God is moving in places most people would never want to travel to gives me goosebumps.
16. Time alone; I've always known I was an introvert, but this year, I have continued realizing I need that time if I am going to effectively pour into others.
17. Words with Friends; again, another shallow thing, but yet another mindless activity that I am able to do to keep me sane.
18. Memories; I love being able to remember little things about my life, from church camp to time spent with my beloved Grandma. They bring me joy.
19. Being organized; I love the feeling of satisfaction I get when I know everything has its place and when I feel prepared for things.
20. The dreams I have for my future; although I know God is in ultimate control, I love knowing that the possibilities are endless.
21. The fact that I can still play the piano; talk about stress relieving. I love sitting down and being able to play...
22. Laughter; words truly cannot express how much I love laughing. I love laughing with people, I love making people laugh, I love not being ashamed to laugh loudly, and I love even laughing by myself at silly things that happen.
23. Days with no plans; this seems to happen less and less the older I get. Although being busy looks different at all stages of life, I love days where I have no plans and no obligations.
24. The story God has written and is continuing to write with my life; I have learned that even my life can make a big difference in the world, and I just want to be obedient. I am thankful for the opportunity He has given me to walk in His ways according to His word.
Last but not least....
25. I am thankful for Eliana Joy; mine and Dan's daughter due in under 4 months. I am thankful that God has chosen us to be her parents, and I am excited to see the journey that He takes us on as we learn our new roles of becoming parents. I am thankful for each and every move she makes already and the kicks that make my belly jump. I am thankful that she is fearfully and wonderfully made and that God already knows her and has prepared a way for her. I am thankful for the humbling experience it is to be pregnant, and I am thankful that He so long ago heard my prayers of becoming a mother.

I am so blessed...so, so blessed. And so unworthy. But I am HIS and that is what makes this life worth living.

2011-12-19T16:48:00.000-08:00

I realized on my way home from work this week that I am going to have to learn what to do with free time for the next 3.5 weeks or so. Since I finished classes yesterday, I feel like I have all the time in the world to get things done. This is probably good considering I have time to get my house more in order for the upcoming arrival of Baby Girl. But if I'm being honest, I got home at about 6:50 tonight and feel like bedtime will never come. Don't get me wrong, I love bedtime, but seriously, I feel like I have so much more time on my hands. Anyway, I digress.

Before I move on to my parenting advice from clients today, I feel like I have yet to mention how much I love watching baby girl kick. Yes, it's great to feel her, but seeing my stomach move when she kicks me makes me laugh every time. I'm sure when she kicks me in my ribs in the future I won't be laughing, but for now, I will continue enjoying it.

Ok, parenting advice from the day:

1. Watch your cat or it could suffocate your baby by laying on its face because it wants to lick the milk off your baby's lips.

2. Give your child two pieces of food, one for each hand or else they will throw a fit.

Now, the reality of it is, this parenting advice, obviously, isn't the worst I have been given, but seriously, sometimes I wonder whether or not my clients realize that I work with parents and children for a LIVING. Yes, that is correct, I get paid to attempt to teach clients parenting skills. For one, I am not going to let my cat (if we end up keeping her) to jump on my baby's face. I don't let my cat jump on my face, let alone my baby's face. Actually, Dan and I lock her up at night, so I think I'm good to go on that. I will also be sure to wipe off my baby's mouth after feeding her, because apparently clients do not feel as though cleaning their children is of the utmost importance. Two, I'm not sure that giving my child a piece of food for each hand is going to stop all fits, but maybe I should suggest that the next time my client's child is throwing a fit. "Give them a piece of food for each hand and they will stop rolling around on the floor like a fish out of water and act like their age."

3. Do not leave your child unattended when they are at the crawling age on your bed or they might crawl off and land on their face if you turn your back for a minute.

Ok, so my client didn't really give me this advice, but I took their story from the weekend and made it into a piece of advice because I felt as though it was necessary. (Don't worry, baby is ok!)

The disclaimer I put on this parenting advice is that I am well aware I do not have everything figured out when it comes to parenting and I don't want to come across like I do; because, let's be honest, even though I have spent lots of time with kids, it's always different when you have your own. So while I have a lot to learn, it's still funny to me that my clients (key word; clients [remember i am teaching them parenting skills] ) are so apt to give me advice. And, I have to find joy in the little things within my job, and this just so happens to be one of the areas.

Feel free to blame my sense of humor on my father.

2011-12-18T16:28:00.001-08:00

This has been a whirlwind of a weekend. Homework, rehearsal dinner, homework, homework, gift wrapping, wedding, homework, church, friends, laundry, and more homework. Add in some sleep in there and that pretty much sums up the weekend. But it is over, and I am sure this week is bound to go quickly as it is the week before Christmas. (Fingers crossed...)

The downfall of Christmas this year is that due to wanting to have a paid maternity leave I only have one vacation day to take...I am clinging to the fact that because Christmas and New Years are on Sundays that I get two three day weekends in a row regardless of my vacation day. Throw in MLK day, and that makes three three day weekends out of four. Not too shabby, I suppose. And let's face it, three months off work after the arrival of Baby Girl will be WELL worth going to work when I have despite saying nearly every Sunday, "I reallllllly don't want to go to work tomorrow". (It has only been said one time today; however, I have thought it several times.)

Moving on, this weekend as I was doing my homework the TV Radio was on, and I heard a song by Sixpence None the Richer entitled "The Last Christmas Without You". I have heard it several times, but I guess I didn't really ever listen to the lyrics too closely. It basically talks about the last Christmas a family has before the birth of their child; how fitting for the stage of life Dan and I are in right now. Here are the lyrics:

I feel your heart beating
Inside my own skin
And I think of Mary
In Bethlehem

That night in a stable
Our saviour was born
Yes, we have so much
To be thankful for

On the last Christmas
The last Christmas
The last Christmas
Without you

They're choosing the colours
Preparing your room
For one day; Midsummer
The advent of you

Together we wait for
A heavenly gift
Is winter a wonder?
Enchanted that this is

The last Christmas
The last Christmas
The last Christmas
Without you

See the stars shining for above
Hear the singing
Praise to the Giver of Life and Love
Maker of Beautiful things..

I feel you heart beating
Inside my own skin
And I think of Mary
In Bethlehem

When darkness was shattered
The dawn of God's grace
And the journey'd begun
To the first Easter day

On the this Christmas
The last Christmas
The last Christmas
The very last Christmas
The last Christmas (x 3)
Without you

Wow...Wow...Wow. Not only am I wow'ing because I can hardly believe my dream of becoming a mom is coming true, but I am also wow'ing because this is truly mine and Dan's last Christmas. Not only am I wow'ing because I can feel my little miracle kicking inside of me, but I am also wow'ing that God has entrusted me to carry her. But ultimately I am wow'ing because I truly am reminded of Mary and the humbleness that she portrayed as she gave birth to the Savior of the WORLD. As a young teenager she felt the same kicks that I am feeling, and for all I know she could have had morning sickness as well. But to know that my Lord and my God started out just like my baby girl is starting out is simply amazing to me. Really, it leaves me speechless.

I have so much to learn, and I have so many areas to grow in as I journey into motherhood, but I can already tell you that as difficult it may be at times, I know God has chosen me for this. And because I can say that with confidence, I can also say with confidence that He will give me the strength I need to become the mom he is calling me to become. Just like He gave Mary the strength to be the mother that He called her to become. And for that, I say, alleluia.

2011-12-15T17:48:00.000-08:00

Not going to lie, I've been writing part of this post in my head for about 10 days now. However, it's my last week of classes this week which has pretty much meant non-stop homework for quite some time now. Only 3 more days to go! There's a lot of work to be done, but I will make it. And then I will thoroughly enjoy my almost month break from classes; perhaps I will even be able to remind myself in that time that I enjoy reading for pleasure since I have had no time for that lately.

Also, remember when I asked a few posts ago for any of you who would to be praying for a situation that I knew God was big enough to move in? Well, He completely answered that prayer unexpectedly. He is SO good. Now I am just praying for the next step with this opportunity. And because I know He is big enough to continue answering prayers, I would ask that you would lift up the orphanage in India that is so near and dear to my heart.

Baby Girl is continuing to grow! On a positive note, she is not making me as sick anymore. And soon after Christmas I think I will be able to announce her name. She kicks a lot, and it's neat that I am starting to learn her patterns of when she is awake during the day so far. You can even see my stomach move when she moves now too!

As promised, though, I have a couple more client stories regarding parenthood/pregnancy.

1. This week I had a client ask if I was wearing maternity clothes yet. Not that it is any of her business, but I told her that I was not. She then replied, "Well, you might as well enjoy wearing your regular clothes now because you are never going to fit in them again." I didn't have the guts to tell her that I might actually be active after having my baby because I haven't smoked cigarettes for the past 10 years so I am pretty capable of still exercising considering I can still breathe.

2. Last week another one of my clients was complaining about how horrible the Department of Child Services is and how they have no business getting involved in anyone's life. As I let her continue venting, because there was no point in trying to say anything, she then proceeded to say to me, "You know, I actually had a doctor tell me I did my daughter a favor when I smoked marijuana while I was pregnant with her because it helped develop her brain!" I probably had a really confused look on my face, but I still didn't say anything. Honestly, I just thought to myself that all the marijuana she has smoked over her lifetime killed too many of her brain cells to even realize what she was saying. Once again, though, I decided to not take her advice.

2011-12-04T18:02:00.000-08:00

It's a GIRL!!

Yes, that is right; a dream come true. We are due to have our little girl around April 23rd, and I am halfway through my pregnancy. Not too much has changed, though, yet. I'm just now starting to show and am not yet into maternity clothes, which I am not complaining about at all. I'm beyond excited to meet her, and once we have told all family what name we have picked out, I will post it.

I will say, she is quite the active little thing as her favorite pastime seems to be kicking mommy. Dan felt it for the first time before Thanksgiving and his response was, "That's weird; that is so weird. There is a BABY in there." I actually felt her move for the first time on November 16th at one of my client's houses. Three swift kicks right to the bladder; apparently she didn't like how I was sitting. (My bad, baby!) But regardless, it has to be one of the coolest feelings ever, and it such a privilege to know there is a little miracle living and growing inside of me.

The day of the ultrasound was quite possibly one of the longest days of my l.i.f.e. I had to work all day because the ultrasound was not until 4:45, and it just happened to be on the day of the first snowstorm Indiana saw this winter. The technician was running late and so was my mom, both just by a few minutes, so the lady did all sorts of measurements before she actually told us what we were having. I thought my heart was going to beat out of my chest while I was waiting; I also was convinced I was going to pee my pants because my bladder was so full. But once she finally told us, I was able to enjoy the rest of the ultrasound. Dan and I truly did not have a preference either way, but we both had a feeling all along that this one was going to be a girl.

Anyway, while I am sure there are many more updates that I have to share, I've been sticking to a pretty strict schedule as far as sleeping goes for me. So I need to head that way, but something that I decided would be fun to do throughout my pregnancy is to keep track of all the fabulous parenting advice I get from my clients; most of whom I am teaching parenting skills. Ironic? Perhaps, but funny none the less. I should preface this by saying only two of my 12 clients know that I am pregnant currently, so I am sure, in the months to come, I will have plenty to add.

1. One client says to me, "Whatever you do, DO NOT get an epidural." When I asked her why she thought that, her response was, "People who get epidurals have CRAZY kids, there is just something wrong with them. I didn't have epidurals for any of my kids." I didn't bother to tell her that my mom had an epidural with me, nor did I reminder her that her daughter was my client.

2. The same client said to me before I went to find out what I was having, "Well you know, all babies start out as females and then some turn into males." I thought about explaining to her that a baby's sex is actually determined at fertilization, but that you just cannot tell what you are having until the baby is farther along in development; however, I didn't want to get in an argument so I just dropped it.

Gotta find joy in the little things in my job...until next time!

2011-11-10T17:28:00.000-08:00

Life seems so unfair sometimes; to my clients, to members of my family, to my friends, to people in my community, and to people around the world. And I really dislike that I cannot fix things entirely for all those people. It is in situations like these that I must trust my God is big enough to handle it all...and trusting is not an easy task for me. Maybe one day it will be, but tonight it is not.

There are so many questions I have that will always remain unanswered, and I must believe, trust, and hold fast to they are all a part of God's bigger plan that I cannot see yet.

In other news: Baby Dyson is still making Momma pretty sick. Praise the Lord for Zofran. No crazy cravings or anything along those lines; actually it's a miracle in itself that I can make myself eat anything with the way I've been feeling. Hopefully one day soon, it will be done, but if not, at least I know in the end it will be worth it. Ultrasound is scheduled for November 29th...only 19 days until we know if the little miracle inside of me is a boy or girl. So excited. :)

That's all I've got for tonight. Until next time...

2011-10-28T17:44:00.000-07:00

Tonight, Dan and I ventured out of the house for dinner; this was a feat for me considering most Friday nights you can find me laying on the couch, covered up, and not wanting to move. However, I did not want to wait for him to cook dinner, and I decided I could stomach some breaksticks and pizza...healthy choice for a pregnant girl. (yeah, right...) Don't worry, I used a napkin to soak up the extra grease off the top of my pizza and have had limited heartburn and acid reflux thanks to taking two Tums immediately after finishing. Regardless, as we were sitting there, this little boy walked in wearing his Spiderman costume; Dan and I immediately commented on how cute he was which then lead us to discussing whether or not we would allow our children to wear costumes or dress up outfits out in public. For those of you who care, we will be those parents that allow their children to express their creativity by wearing costumes, dress up outfits, mismatched socks, and unmatched outfits in general. I told Dan I might draw the line at not letting our children get too crazy with what they wear to church, but to Wal-Mart, out to dinner, and to grandparents' houses their imaginations can soar. As Dan said, "You are only a kid once!"

Anyway, a few weeks have passed since I last posted, unfortunately the morning sickness/all day sickness has not subsided. Everyone continues telling me that it will get better and I will not be so sick, but I'm beginning to wonder if that day will ever arrive. It's been 10.5 weeks since I started being sick, and trust me, it's only intensified. I started on Unisom (yes, the sleeping medicine; it used to be marketed as an anti-nausea medicine, my medically minded husband asked the pharmacist), it worked for about a week. I added B6 to the Unisom, that worked for about another week, and I finally got a prescription written today for Zofran. My fingers are crossed that it provides some sort of relief.

Otherwise, all seems to be going well in the pregnancy; minus the fact the doctors are questioning whether I am as far along as what they originally thought I was. The doctor I met today told me that he thought I was two weeks behind; (this would mean I am only 13 weeks instead of 15) the more I thought about it, the more I realized that would mean that when I took my pregnancy test I would have only been pregnant for a day or two. This is nearly impossible considering the test would have shown up negative if that were the case. Of course I did not argue, but that does mean that I had to push back the ultrasound where we will find out what we are having to December 6th; that's only like 5.5 weeks away(ish) but, it was originally scheduled for November 22nd. So unfortunately, Baby Dyson's wardrobe will not benefit from any Black Friday shopping. Sad day. But on a happier note, Baby's heartbeat was in the 150s today!

In other news, my third MSW class finished, volleyball is over for Northfield, work is blah, my fourth MSW class started, i get to sleep in tomorrow for the first time in over a month or perhaps two, another one of my closest friends is pregnant, I miss India, one of my absolute best friends from college is coming to stay next Friday, and I love my small group girls.

Volleyball ended on a rather bittersweet note for us this year; we lost in the sectional championship to our county rivals whom we already beat once earlier in the season. The reality is, though, regardless of how it ended, our girls still had a tremendous season, and it's a privilege to coach girls who have good sportsmanship, positive morals, and good character. Next year will be just as exciting, and it will be here before I know it.

Work isn't even really worth writing about right now; it's so hard for me when things are not fair for my clients and I cannot make them fair. It renders me speechless really, and to make matters worse, our beloved secretary left this week. I'm hoping and praying that after a long weekend over Thanksgiving, my attitude will be different.

Speaking of praying, I have recently started praying for God to show up in a big way for a friend of mine. Because our God is a God who knows what this specific request is, for those of you who read this, would you take a minute and ask for God to show up as well? Maybe one day I will be able to share more details, but for now, I am trusting that He hears my prayers and has a perfect plan.

Anyway, that's all for now, it's only 9:30 and I'm already contemplating going to bed...I might as well take advantage of this while I can, before I know it, I will be very sleep deprived caring for an infant.

2011-10-12T17:09:00.000-07:00

Alright, alright; let's be honest, I've been an epic failure at keeping this blog updated. For those of you who care, I apologize. If I am being honest, part of it has been intentional and yet the other part has simply been because I have been so busy, sometimes dreadfully so. Regardless, down to business!

I started this blog the summer of my sophomore year of college, if I do the math correctly, that means I started it 4 1/2 years ago. That just seems CRAZY to me. I started this blog with the intention of not only journaling my life, but also to use it as a tool to grow in my relationship with Christ. And, I feel like He has taken me so many different places in these past 4 1/2 years...literally and emotionally.

Four and a half years ago, I had just lost my grandpa, was living at home for the summer, working on my dad's farm, and longing to be back at school living in community. Four and a half years ago, I was single, had never held down a full time job, and had only been to India one time. And now here I am; holding down a full time job, been married for over a year, have traveled to India three times since starting my blog, am in Graduate school, and have grown in ways I never fathomed. I can truly look back over my life and say God has been SO faithful.

And I plan to continue this blog as I start on a new journey...a journey that I have longed for, hoped for, anxiously awaited, and am so excited about. Being a mom. Being a mom has been my lifelong dream; I've always loved babies, I've always been drawn to young kids, and I was always "that" kid who was obsessed with playing house. While I know there are going to be many challenges that come along the way, I am looking forward to seeing how God reveals his faithfulness in this area of my life as well.

So, the whole reason that updating my blog has been so delayed is because the news did not become public until last week. But, I am back now, and I will continue recording the journey that I am on as God shapes me into the woman he has called me to be.

Anyway, besides being pregnant, life has continued flying by. I am almost done with my third MSW class, work continues being crazy, and volleyball has been simply fabulous. It has been such a privilege to help coach this group of girls this year; they have demonstrated true heart, have persevered through difficulties, and have been a joy to be around. I am excited to see how they finish out the season.

Work, eh...well, it's work. There's always a lot that is going on it seems, and right now it's just frustrating, but this too shall pass. And MSW, this class has been super informative, and I continue loving the online setting.

Being pregnant on top of work, volleyball, and school has made life infinitely more difficult. I've been sick for 8 weeks now; it started out that I was only sick in the evenings for about the first two weeks, and for about the last six weeks, I've been sick all day, e.v.e.r.y. day. I've been exhausted, and often find myself in bed by 10:00. I have to shower at night because in the mornings I usually can't stand long enough to shower without getting sick, and if I don't eat at least every three hours, there is a good possibility that if there is a couch, I will be laying on it. I'm still alive, though, and still very thankful to even have the opportunity to go through this. The end result will be so worth it. I'd be lying, though, if I didn't say that I am very ready for the second trimester; c'mon one more week!!

Also, I feel as though it is important to mention that the OB doctor I chose is from none other than INDIA. I've only actually met her one time, but I love her accent and how much it reminds me of my family halfway around the world. I am so excited for the staff and children at the orphanage to find out that I am expecting, and I am hoping and praying that sooner, rather than later, my family halfway around the world will be able to meet our little bundle of joy.

Anyway, I promise updates more regularly; if for nothing else, for me to document and remember my pregnancy because I have no doubt that it will fly by. And also because in 4 1/2 years from now, I will want to look back on this time in my life and to see how specifically God is showing up.

I am so blessed.

And did I mention how great of a husband I have? Because I really do have a great one...really, I do. He is the best, and he, too, is so excited for this new journey.

2011-08-27T09:24:00.000-07:00

today i am thankful.

1. i am thankful for the fact that i've already finished cleaning my house, and it's only 12:30 on saturday afternoon.
2. i am thankful that last week i was able to spend time with my sister and my sweet niece. it was good for my heart.
3. i am thankful, still, that it is volleyball season. i love the girls, i love the friendships i have developed with the coaches, and i love that it is a distraction from work.
4. i am thankful for friends who know me well enough to know when something is off, friends who understand the frustrations that come along with my job, and for friends who know when i just need someone to tell me they understand and that whatever i am going through will be ok.
5. i am thankful for an understanding, incredibly patient husband.
6. i am thankful for two weeks off of classes to relax and to not have to do homework.
7. i am thankful for my time spent in india over the years. i desperately miss it, but the memories live on.
8. i am thankful for the opportunities my job gives me to interact with people who are overlooked in society.
9. i am thankful for my family and my husband's family, and for the supports they are to us.
10. i am thankful for God's faithfulness and His infinite wisdom as He guides me through life's journey and shows me my next step.

2011-08-13T14:59:00.000-07:00

for the past two weeks my weekend goals have been; paint my toenails and blog. i was an epic failure until today. my toenails are freshly painted, and even though i should be finishing up my homework assignment, i am blogging instead.

i feel like life lately has been chaotic. work has not slowed down for about six weeks now. yes, that's right, six weeks. and this week i worked overtime for the first time in months. unfortunately, the full moon is not to blame for the whole time. i'm not sure what is really...but my days are always busy. being busy helps the hours go by more quickly at work, but that's about all it helps. one of my very dear friends asked me this week if i ever think about quitting my job; i told her at least 5 times a day. (ha.) i don't mean that, though, but i'm just ready for things to slow down. i continue to love what i do and love the opportunities i have to invest in some of the most overlooked people in society; i think that i will feel better after i have an opportunity to catch up on all my paperwork in the office. in all realily that doesn't seem to be in the plans for this week, but i will keep on and carry on.

outside of work i'm LOVING that it is volleyball season and all that it entails; it definitely is something that has helped keep me sane even though it adds to the craziness of my schedule. regardless, i love being able to go in the gym and play with the girls, have conversations with the girls, spend time with the coaches, help teach the girls what they can do different to improve their game, and so much more. i don't think the girls realize how important they are to me, but i'm beyond thankful that i have the opportunity to be part of their lives.

my MSW program is continuing on in the midst of work and volleyball as well. i have about a week and a half left until i am done with my first semester. at this point in time, i would definitely be willing to tell anyone that i am ready for a break. i'm loving that i am learning new things that i can apply to my work now, but i can already tell you that i am looking forward to two years from now when i have my degree.

so in the midst of all of this, God has continued being faithful as per usual. i've seen Him give me strength to make it through a seemingly never-ending week of work, i've seen Him show up in my friends' lives, i've seen Him be in the midst of some of the relationships i have with girls my age and girls younger than me, i've seen Him use those same people in my life, i've seen Him teach me to remember that He is in control at all times over all circumstances, and i've seen Him rekindle my passion for global missions.

i wish more than anything i had the flexibility and ability to go see my children in india; quite frankly my heart aches to hold them in my arms again, laugh with them, tickle them, take their pictures, and love them well. i've been reminded, though, that my God, our God is big enough to work without me being there; and i've learned to trust that He knows what He is doing by having me complete my MSW now prior to searching for ways to serve internationally. it's hard a lot of times, and it makes me want to cry a lot of times to have to wait, but i know God has big things in store for me right now too. and i must be obedient in the here and the now.

so for now, i will continue trusting that God has me right where He wants me, and He is perfectly ordaining my steps with every intricate detail of my life.

2011-07-30T13:07:00.000-07:00

July 31, 2010

it's anniversary weekend. where did the time go?! it's so hard for me to believe that i married the man i had been praying for basically my entire life a year ago. the year has FLOWN by and i wouldn't trade a second of it for anything. we've learned about one another and grown closer to each other and each other's families more than i ever thought possible. i am so incredibly blessed. and i can honestly say i am more in love now than i was last year...i only hope that we continue to fall more and more in love each day.

one thing i especially love about my fabulous husband is his patience with me. my a&p final was on friday, and let's just say i was stressed beyond words. i was freaking out and cranky, and yet he often would just smile at me or attempt to offer a comforting word about how he knew i could do it. well, the good news is, i passed my final and the class, and he did not kill me in the midst of stressing out. he did tell me, though, that if i am ever that stressed again he is just going to go ahead and murder me to save us both the trouble. thankfully, though, he also told me he was kidding.

we're a bunch of jokesters around here.

now that a&p is done, i only have 3.5 weeks of my MSW class until i have a 2 week break from ALL classes. and for that, i am thankful. it isn't that i am not enjoying my classes, because i definitely am, but i think a break will do me some good. it's hard to believe that i've almost completed my first semester. only 6 to go!

and Monday officially starts one of my favorite times of the year. volleyball season! most people think i am absolutely crazy dedicating my time somewhere else, but i don't care what most people think. helping with volleyball gives me opportunities to not only build relationships with high school girls but it also helps take my mind off all the craziness i experience at my job and allows me to hang out with some pretty fabulous adults too. as much as the girls are dreading three-a-days and the conditioning, i can hardly wait to get into the gym on Monday morning. probably because i do not do the work outs with them; yes, that's right, though, i took Monday off work to go help.

as far as the work place is concerned, not much has changed. since the full moon week, i have continued to have some pretty crappy weeks. but like i told one of my dear friends, things always get better, and that is something i am trusting in.

for now, though, i must go get ready for my date night with my handsome husband. i am grateful and thankful for the blessing God has placed in my life.

2011-07-15T20:39:00.000-07:00

i survived another week at work during a full moon. i had no idea that it was even a full moon until i was complaining to my husband about how busy and eventful my week had been...i believe the conversation went a little like this:

"the moon was SO huge this morning when i left; it was like shining a light in my back window and i didn't know what it was at first!" -daniel

"really? that's so cool; i wish i could have seen it." -me

"yeah, it was really pretty." -daniel

"wait...you mean to tell me that it's full moon?? NO WONDER MY WEEK HAS BEEN NUTS!" -me

and i believe he probably laughed and shook his head at me being dramatic and probably called me ridiculous, because that's just what we do.

but anyway, the real purpose of this post is not just to talk about my crazy week but to talk about how good of a God i serve.

truly, i do. and i am amazed at how He meets my needs even before i ask. you see, obviously, earlier this week i was frustrated and drained with work, and then today, one of my clients handed me a letter thanking me for helping her through this difficult time in her life and telling me how much my support has meant to her over these past five months. talk about humbling. my job is a pretty "thankless" job; clients very rarely say thank you and because there is often a lack of progress made by the people i work with it often seems like my efforts are in vain; so i was completely unprepared for this letter. but God knew i needed it.

and then, just tonight as i was laying on the couch doing homework feeling frustrated, my cell phone rings and it was one of my dear friends telling me that she was thinking of me and wanted to call and to let me know. she had no idea that i was frustrated with school work nor did she know that i had been feeling lonely tonight and my mind was full of worry, but God did.

and as i hung up with her, i felt like God was saying to me, "when are you going to trust Me with the big things? I meet your needs before you even realize they are needs, and yet you perpetually worry about what tomorrow, next week, next month, and next year have in store for you."

W. O. A. H.

i think that lesson is something that i always have known, but hearing it, feeling it, whatever you want to consider it really puts things into perspective. so this is my feeble attempt at holding myself more accountable at trusting. at having faith. and knowing that HE is in complete control.

forgive my short comings, my faults, and my selfishness. help me see You in every situation; allow me to know that worry does nothing to draw me closer to You. i desire You and Your plans for my life that You have given to me. help me honor You through the way i live my life. show me my next steps according to Your Will and help my unbelief.

2011-07-13T19:17:00.000-07:00

tonight, my heart is heavy. there are days where i come home from work exhausted not only from running from appointment to appointment but emotionally exhausted. and usually i can distract myself with homework since i have had so much of it to do lately, but tonight, i could barely concentrate as i studied the muscles of the human body. (seriously, i really do not think i need anatomy and physiology for my MSW, but i only have 3 weeks left; perseverance is key.)

regardless, today was one of those days where i could not get ahead. i had scheduled all four of my appointments back to back. 9:30, 11:00, 12:30, 2:00. Well, i knew it was going to be a hectic day when i left my first appointment at 11:15, arrived at my second appointment at 11:40, made it to my third appointment at 12:35, and made it to my last appointment at 2:15 where i stayed until 4:45. thankfully, the appointments i was drastically late to were gracious to me...

regardless, sometimes as i reflect on my time spent with clients, i have absolutely, positively no idea how the conversations happen as they do. how does one rationalize to a 5 year old that even though for the past 18 months he has seen his parents once a week that he is now going to have to wait 6 months until he seems them again? this is made infinitely harder when a 5 year old really does not have a good concept of time. and how does one even begin to unpack the statement that he said he felt like he didn't belong because he has lived in so many homes? keep in mind, he is 5. i say it again 5, not even started kindergarten yet, and these are the kind of statements he's asking and things he thinking. and how does one emphasize to a teenage girl who has lost her mom and has now been removed from her father's care that people really do care about her? that there is hope for her? that her situation is going to get better?

really? i stop and say, really? these are real people i am dealing with. real, live human beings who are fragile. life has been unfair to them. and even though i have been trained as a social worker, i have not been given a magic wand to wave all of these feelings, emotions, or problems away from the people that i come in contact with each and every day. and these are only two of the four people i met with today...

it doesn't make sense to me, and it breaks my heart. it breaks my heart that as i sit here and type this, i know there are so many more people who are not my clients that are having similar feelings, thoughts, and emotions that those i work with do who are not getting help, who are alone and afraid. even moreso than the ones i walk closely beside are. and i, again, say, really?

today was one of those days i questioned why i am pursuing my masters...why do i do this to myself day in and day out? and i know the answer, but sometimes i say, "why me, Lord? why have you placed me in this field to see the things that i see, to hear the things that i hear, to know the things that i know?" and i think He just has to smile at me, while He gently nudges me along, holding my hand and guiding me in the right direction.

life does not make sense. it is unfair. things are unjust. it is discouraging at times. and yet it makes me realize how much we need His Kingdom to come and His Will to be done. and if this is how He chooses to use me to make that happen, then i say, your servant is willing, Abba. use me, mold me, teach me, shape me, grow me, and allow me to be your hands and feet.

2011-06-18T15:46:00.000-07:00

meet my newest niece: Kaelyn Leanne Christian. Born June 15, 2011 at 3:44 a.m. weighing 7 pounds, 11 ounces and measuring 20 inches long. can we say hello, adorable?! i am completely and totally IN. LOVE.

my sister was such a trooper through labor; i told her she set a wonderful example for me. and i am so thankful that little Kaelyn was healthy; truly a miracle and an answer to prayer after the scare we had during Rachel's pregnancy. needless to say, mom, dad, and baby are doing wonderful. what a precious addition to the family. i can't wait until the next time i can snuggle her.

in other news...well, there isn't much other news. my life consists of work and homework. i told my husband that i have never been one to wish summer away, but i absolutely cannot wait until i am done with anatomy and physiology. i haven't quite figured out why i need a&p to get my MSW, but, i do, so i am persevering and moving forward. 2 weeks down, 6 to go. the other good news is that i only have 1 week to go until i am done with my first official MSW class.

work has been going ok in the most recent past; i finally realized that working so much overtime was becoming detrimental to my well-being. so i've rearranged my schedule, ended with some clients, and feel so much more at ease. once i get caught up on everything i need to do in the office, i am sure i will be bored and the mass chaos will begin again.

i am getting ready to end halfway with a family that i have been working with for a year and a half; unfortunately, it is not the "happiest" ending as the parents have signed their rights over on their children, but the future is promising for the three kiddos whom i have come to adore. the case should have never come to this, but it did. and i know that i did all that i could. the stories that i have from this case are some that i will probably never forget; some make me laugh, some make me cringe, and some make me mad but it is all a part of the job. the most important thing, though, that has come from this case is my friendship with the dcs caseworker. we have spent countless hours together working together on this case, but those countless hours have given us time to get to know one another. i vividly remember talking to her two days before i got married about the marriage advice she had to give me, talking to her about adjusting to life after marriage, laughing with her, and discussing with her my desire to have children. i do not know where i would be without her friendship, and i am beyond blessed to have her a part of my life. i will be quite sad when we finish supervising visits for this case together, but i know without a shadow of a doubt that our friendship will continue. i guess God had a blessing in disguise for me through this case.

anyway, i think that is all for now. as stressed out as i have been with school, God has still be faithful, and He has reminded me countless times of the small blessings her has given me as well as the large blessings he has given to me. i am abundantly blessed...and beyond thankful

2011-06-05T12:54:00.000-07:00

God sure does have a sense of humor and perfect timing. this morning our pastor talked about impacting our community, and it truly was just what i needed to hear.

in the line of work i do, i know i have probably alluded to the fact that it is draining, tiring, and frustrating. what i haven't talked as much about, though, is the loneliness that comes along with it. unfortunately, it's the truth. as i work with people in their homes and in the community, i get to know them on a deep level. a deeper level than some of them have every been known in their life because i take the time to care. however, because of confidentiality in my line of work, i cannot share much about the people with any of my friends or family. my husband tells me that often my clients are not "real" to him because he doesn't know their names or what they look like. and i can't blame him for saying that. it has to be hard for him to follow more stories when i say, "hey do you remember the one client i have that has 4 kids by 3 different guys?" well, a lot of my clients have 4 kids by 3 different guys...so of course he does not know who i am talking about. so the people i am investing in are a HUGE part of my life, but they are not as big of a part of anyone else's life.

secondly, another reality is that as i am working with my clients i am dealing with a great deal of trauma. i am working with kids who have been abused, parents who have abused their children, kids who often go hungry, parents who have a difficult time showing or receiving love, and families who are under a great deal of stress. it's heavy stuff...and heavy stuff that very few people can even comprehend. this also causes loneliness because once again, their trauma is very real to me but not real to those i have in my life outside of work.

but anyway, back to the sermon, what our pastor talked about today was what roles we can play in people's lives, not just who are living in darkness, but those who are serving those living in the darkness. and what he challenged people to do is to encourage. encourage those who are already serving in the community. wow. i'm not sure i have ever thought of that...

but i can tell you right now that the level of loneliness i feel would be greatly decreased if people in the church would encourage me in what i was doing. now, i am not saying this to get all kinds of encouragement or feedback from people because they feel bad they haven't done it in the past or they feel like this is a desperate cry for encouragement, because it is not. but what i do want you to think about it who else in your life is serving in the community that could use a little encouragement? and what kind of difference do you think could be made if you would take the time to encourage them on a consistent basis?

the sermon challenged me to think about how i can handle myself in my work place because i know many of my coworkers struggle with the same feelings of loneliness that i do, but i cannot touch the client's lives that they are touching. but i can encourage them to not give up, and that could have more of an impact than i may ever realize. so perhaps this will encourage someone to step out of their comfort zone and encourage someone else.

but anyway, i will get off of my soapbox about that.

what i do want to talk about is another opportunity that God has given me. i made mention of something along those lines about a month ago, but it had not become official. let's back track a bit.

since i graduated college i had been praying for an opportunity to lead a small group of girls. now, this prayer had come and gone in spurts as i had plugged myself in various avenues to invest in young girls' lives, but it had always been something i desired to do. so let's fast forward to this past volleyball season; i've talked some about a volleyball girl that i got to know fairly well, bayli, who reminds me quite a bit of myself at that age. (sometimes so much so i feel bad for her...) but anyway, after volleyball season our relationship continued and i've been blessed to get to know her on a deeper level.

throughout several of our conversations, bay has talked about her small group of girls from church. to make a long story short, bay and her fellow group members' leader is moving. it has been heart wrenching for the girls, but through a series of events, i ended up talking with their leader and have decided that i will continue leading the group as she and her family transition to their new job out of state. i am not taking over with the intention of replacing their previous leader because that just isn't possible; she has journeyed with these four girls through this last year and has seen them through some pretty difficult times. she has helped mold them and shape them into amazing Christian women after God's heart and set examples for them as she has loved them selflessly. and quite honestly, she is amazing. if i had only met her sooner, i would have loved to gotten to know her heart more so than i have been able to.

but anyway, with this small group comes four amazing young girls; bayli, bekah, claire, and paige. four girls that i am anxious to journey alongside of; four girls that i am so looking forward to getting to know their hearts; four girls that i am more excited than words can express to encourage in their faith; and four girls who i know will forever change my life as well.

my heart breaks for them as they have to go through this transition, but i feel like God has placed them in my life for a specific reason. and i don't know what that reason is quite yet, but i am sure, God will reveal that to me in His perfect timing as well.

2011-06-01T16:00:00.000-07:00

it's been a crazy ride this last week or so. i feel like between balancing work and school there just hasn't been much time to update. but that is ok.

anyway, this weekend dan and i had the privilege of going down and celebrating our brother-in-law. he just recently graduated from medical school and has landed a job at a pediatric hospital near his home. we are so excited for their family. but going down and celebrating meant niece and nephew time and family time as well, which was fabulous. i am so blessed to have married into a family where i love my in-laws.

during our time down there, though, dan and i talked with his mom for a little bit about grad school for me and about me freaking out because i got a 26/30 on an assignment. (my poor husband has never been with me when i have been in school...) we talked about me wanting to be "perfect" in school and his mom simply said, "to be perfect means you have to give up every other area of your life and that's just not realistic or fun." those were some wise words right there. now, obviously, it's going to take me reminding myself that several times before i actually believe it, but i do not want to become so consumed with grad school that i neglect other important areas of my life. in the long run it is not going to matter if i graduate with a 4.0 or a 3.0; life will go on, and grades are not eternal. but oh what a difficult lesson this is for me to learn...

anyway, i digress.

work. oh work. work has not slowed down even in the least bit. i think i worked nearly six hours of overtime two weeks in a row. now, to some that might not seem like much, but with the work that i do i was completely beat. and, obviously, there are some weeks that are like that, but it was just a lot with work and school and family and friends. but this week, even in the short week at work, has not been the easiest. i'm preparing to end with one of my best clients i have ever had, and i am watching two of the worst clients i have ever had make one of these most difficult decisions of their lives. i am slowly watching yet another spiral quickly downhill as her time is running out to get her child back, and i am witnessing another family fall to pieces. and keep in mind this is less than half of my caseload. how do these things happen? it's so frustrating, so disheartening, so ridiculous, so heartbreaking, so sad...yet i know i must keep on. i cannot give up, i will not give up. i have hope, and because of my relationship with Christ, that can never be taken from me.

the other happenings of this week consist of me being quite sad in knowing that for the past three years this has been the week that i have flown to india to spend either the summer or a couple week with the people i have fallen in love with. i cannot tell any of you how sad i am about the fact that i am not going to india this week. (some of you may understand...) but i long to hold my children in my arms...i long to see the mountains, hear the windmills, bargain at the shops, listen to them chatter in a language unknown to me, be called sister, see the lizards on the wall, and so much more. i worry that nanthini, sathiya, soundaria, vani, rajukamari, abirami, sejola, sheron, vijila, jeyabala, rathika, shalini and so many others are going to feel like their american sister has forgotten about them. now, i know that is not truth, because i know God is holding them closer to him than i ever could to me. but i hate not being able to see them, touch them, and love them well in person. i trust that one day i will go back, but the unknown of that is scary. perhaps it will be sooner than i think...at least that will be my prayer.

but in the midst of the unknown, i know my God is faithful and that He will show up. i wouldn't be who i am today without Him, and i am thankful He has never and will never give up on me. may i bring glory to His name in even the littlest things i do.

2011-05-21T14:12:00.000-07:00

1. sleep in: check (now that i am adult, apparently 8:45 is sleeping in)
2. stalk facebook: check (nothing too interesting)
3. watch video for class: check (interesting video)
4. venture outside to see the flowers my husband planted: check (he is so good to me)
5. stalk facebook again: (still nothing interesting)
6. write responses for class: check (i am not a concise writer)
7. read other peoples responses for class and response: check (boring)
8. watch dvr'd shows, law & order svu (suspenseful) and 16 and pregnant (slightly dramatic and trashy): check
9. ponder how i am going to write my paper for class: check (no progress made, though...)
10. clean my house: check (swept, dusted, disinfected, organized, and laundry room mopped)
11. continue to ponder how i am going to write my paper for class: check (still no progress)
12. watch the cat try to attack the dog through the screen: check (cat 1. dog 0.)
13. ask my husband to make bread: check (and he's doing it; seriously, he's so good to me)
14. blog: check (in progress)

i love my saturdays.

and i love my saturdays even more after a crazy week. and let me tell you, it was full moon so it was a crazy week. not so much the first part of the week, but the last part of the week. namely friday. and i hate having crazy fridays. i even thought on thursday that friday was going to be a GREAT day because i had a visit cancel and that meant i only had 4 visits instead of 5. well, unfortunately, one thing lead to another and 4 visits turned back into 5 visits and getting off at 5:30 turned out to mean getting off at 6:45. needless to say, i went to bed early last night.

cockroaches, emergency meetings, ineffective communication, anxiety attacks, suspensions from school, are just among a few of the crazy things that made up my friday. that is why i am thankful for saturday.

but, before my last visit last night i prayed that it would not be in vain and that my purpose would be seen for not just canceling it. and God totally showed up. of course. my client wanted to get ice cream and i did not argue because it was 5:15 and i hadn't eaten since 11. so we went.

as soon as we got in my car our conversation goes as follows:
client: "so my teacher said the world is going to end tomorrow."
me: "yes, i have heard that, but i am not convinced it is going to happen."
c: "well, why not? it's in the Bible. in Revelation or something."
m: "yes, it is in Revelation and the Bible that the world is going to in and Jesus is going to come back. but, it is also in the Bible that no one, not even Jesus, knows the day or time when He will return to the earth. and not only that, but every tribe, tongue, and nation has not yet heard the Good News of Christ."
c: "what? what does that mean?"
m: "it means that not everyone in the world has heard about God or Jesus, and they do not know they have an opportunity to receive eternal life. there are people who live in different parts of the world that do not have access to technology to know these things, people who speak an unknown language, and other situations where they simply do not know they can have a personal relationship with Christ."
c: "oh. so what does it mean when Jesus comes back, when the rapture happens?"
m: "well, some of it is unknown, but what i believe is that Jesus is going to come back and take His believers with Him to heaven where they will live with Him."
c: "what is heaven even like?"
m: "i think what heaven is like is unknown to us; the Bible is somewhat descriptive by telling us that the colors are more brilliant and beautiful and that there are streets of gold, but beyond that, i do not have a good answer. i like to think of it at far greater than anything i can imagine here on the earth."
c: "what does that mean?"
m: "well, it is kind of like i described to a 5 year old one time when he asked me this question; i told him to imagine his favorite place and his favorite thing to do. and he asked me if Jesus would play basketball with him. i told him, i thought, of course, Jesus would play basketball with him."
c: "aww. that's so cute. you really think it will be like that?"
m: "yes, i do. it will be greater than anything we can imagine, but you have to remember what we talked about last week. and that is you do not go to Heaven unless you have a personal relationship with God. you cannot get into Heaven by just being good."
c: "yeah, i remember. and i know."

with that, we arrived at our destination to eat ice cream. totally did not expect that conversation to happen, but i completely trust that God had that conversation planned prior to me meeting with her and that is why i did not just cancel our appointment for the evening. it is because of that conversation that i am completely ok with working until 6:45 rather than 5:30. and it is because of conversations just like that, that i love what i do.

it, of course, is not always easy, but worth it when i can share the Message of Christ like that. i am so thankful to be chosen for the work that i do. and even though i may never see the impact i make during my time on earth, i will continue trusting that i am making an impact for the Kingdom each and every day.

2011-05-17T15:57:00.000-07:00

these past two mornings on my way to work my heart has been heavy. not because i'm dreading going to work, but because of the injustices that are continuing to reveal themselves to me.

i've been thinking about my clients, my client's kids, friends who have been struggling, and other things going on in the news both locally and globally.

it is so frustrating that i can't "fix" things. obviously i'm not suppose to, but i so want to. so i had a little talk with God about that this morning. of course, it didn't go as i necessarily wanted, but it went as needed. (thanks, God).

me: "God....why? why are these things happening? how are these things happening? i'm so angry and i hurt for these people"
God: "it breaks My heart too..."
me: "but why are they continuing?"
God: "because the world you live in is broken and sinful."
me: "i hate it..."
God: "i hate it too; i hate seeing My children hurt. i hate seeing My children in pain."
me: "i know You do, but it just doesn't make sense."
God: "it isn't suppose to make sense...You are suppose to trust."
me: "trust how?"
God: "trust that I will somehow use all of these messes of a situation for My Kingdom and My Glory. it may not be immediate, but I know what I am doing. I can see 20 years from now and 100 years from now. you cannot."
me: "i know...i know. but i hurt for these people, Lord."
God: "I know you do, and I have designed you in that way. I always know what I am doing."
me: "i know You do...thank You for the reminder. i do trust You, but i need You to help me to trust you more."
God: "I can do that, and I will do that."
me: "thank You; please go with me through my day."
God: "I am always with you. always."

all of that to say; my heart still hurts. but if my heart still hurts like this, i can only imagine how His heart hurts. life is quite unfair, but i remain thankful that i serve the Ultimate Judge. and i pray His Kingdom would come to this earth.

2011-05-14T17:57:00.000-07:00

it's official. i survived my few days back at work after vacation. i'm even willing to go as far to say that i succeeded in maintaining a positive attitude during those days too. God is good. it is also worth noting that my homework for the week has been completed as well. (assignments are given every wednesday and must be completed by the following wednesday.) God is so good.

i won't bore you with the details of my class currently, but i will say that i have, to some degree, missed being in school. of course, doing schooling online is completely new to me. but my thoughts are being challenged, and i am actually finding the reading interesting. it feels good to be learning in this manner again.

moving on...i had an interesting conversation with one of my clients this week. as we were sitting and talking she began to in a way question me about heaven and hell. she told me she believed in God but she didn't believe in heaven and hell. however, as she continued talking she said that if there was a heaven and hell she would go to heaven because she was "good". i told her i had to disagree with her statement. she looked at me puzzled and simply asked if i believed in heaven and hell. i answered with one word, "absolutely." of course, she didn't just stop there...she asked where i would go since i so firmly believed. i told her that i would be going to heaven. as our conversation ensued, i simply told her what i believed--you don't go to heaven without asking Christ into your life and having a personal relationship with him. you don't go to heaven just because you are "good", and you don't go to hell just because you are "bad". you ask God to forgive your sins, and He does.

and that's when she said, so you're a God freak.

hm. not what i was expecting from this person. at first, i wasn't sure how to respond. i wasn't sure if i was going to be angry or if i was going to laugh. i chose not to be angry and i didn't laugh. i simply looked back at her, straight faced and told her that some people probably considered me a God freak because i believed differently than them. and i was ok with that. i told her she could consider me a God freak if she wanted.

she didn't know how to respond. and then i told her that i didn't consider her a freak for not thinking like i do or making choices that i would never make in my life. i told her honestly that i did not agree with them, but that i was not in charge of her life. and then i looked her in the eyes and told her, though, that no matter what, i would still care for her just the same.

it's conversations like that that keep me going. the work that i do is not about me; it never has been. it never will be. but no matter where i find myself, my hope and prayer is that i will always point people back to the One i know who has called me His own.

2011-05-09T20:40:00.000-07:00

vacation will officially be over in approximately 15 hours. i'm savoring the last few hours that i can...

while it will be nice to be back in my house, i kind of have a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach knowing that i will be going back to work. not because i hate work, because most days, i don't hate it; but i think the sick feeling is simply because i know i am going to have to balance work and school. it's been so great this week to take my time and do my school work, but let's face it, when i go back to work i'm not going to have time every night to work as diligently. but i suppose i will learn, because it is just going to be a new normal. i can do it; i know i can do it. and it will totally be worth it. but forgive me in advance if there are several posts in the months to come processing through how to balance life.

anyway, before i close this, i just need to take a minute and say how blessed i am. i married one of the most amazing men on the planet, and simply the most amazing man for me. i know without a doubt he would do anything for me, and i would do the same for him. but over the course of these last few days, what really stood out to me was his willingness to be intentional with my parents. he was comfortable, and he was himself. i think he has always been this way with my parents, but being with my parents for 5 full days really opened my eyes to how blessed i am to have a husband who understands how important my parents are to me and has made them important to him. and not only that, but i also realized that if we were to go on vacation with his parents, i would feel the same way about them. not many people can say that, and i wouldn't have it any other way.

i am a lucky girl.

regardless, i could go on and on about the specific things i realized i was thankful for over the course of these past few days. but i shall save that for another day and another post.

2011-05-08T14:43:00.001-07:00

i love sunshine, laying out, and even being a little sunkissed. (i like to refer to being burnt as sunkissed. it makes it sound a little more pleasant that way.) really, though, i've loved this vacation. not because we've done anything extravagant. actually, it's been the complete opposite of that; but i've loved it because i've been able to rest and be refreshed.

i'm not the kind of girl that likes to feel defeated in anything, and normally, i don't let myself admit defeat or failure, but on this vacation i've come to grips with the reality that i failed miserably when it came to taking care of myself. you would think since i work in the mental health field, that i would know the importance of taking care of my own mental health, but apparently, i mistakenly thought i was above that. just call me crazy. hopefully, though, i learned my lesson.

in hindsight, i over ran myself. i lived by my schedule which ultimately became too tightly packed as i feared disappointing someone, feared something not getting done as it should be done, feared letting someone down, feared...well, you get the picture. and the worst part, i'm not a fearful young woman. and by fearful i mean, i'm not afraid of snakes, spiders, lizards, bugs, dirt, and the like. i can handle all of those things quite well; sometimes even better than my husband. but throw in the possibility of letting someone down or the possibility of someone thinking less of me because i don't meet their expectations--quite frankly, i'm scared to death. i think it would be easier to be scared of snakes or spiders though, but in my case, that's just not reality.

but the truth is, i cannot meet everyone's expectations all the time. i cannot save people; i cannot be in 2, 3, or 5 places at once; i cannot survive on only 6 hours of sleep a night for an extended period of time. i am human. (and for my own sake, i need to repeat that once more) i am human. (ok, maybe once more) i am not superwoman; simply put, i am human.

i am a young woman who has chosen a profession that by nature is busy, hectic, and chaotic. and boy does God sure have a sense of humor, because i'm not a big fact of hecticness (is that even a word?) nor am i a big fan of chaos. i like order. i like to have control. i like things to be neat, and i thrive on a schedule. believe me, i get made fun of for being OCD plenty, but i think the large piece of the puzzle i missed is that Satan took what i think i thrive in and used it to almost completely and almost destroy me.

and it's so lame that he can do that. i'll say it again, LAME. LAME. LAME.

but, what is beautiful is redemption...and this vacation has helped open my eyes to the need for me to be redeemed. to be reminded of the simple, yet so often forgot truths, i am not made to handle life on my own. i cannot survive by my own strength, and i am not suppose to have all the answers. His power is made perfect in my weaknesses, but i have to be willing to let Him work. sometimes i think i squelch the work He wants to do in and through me because i think i have things figured out so well that i don't even think twice about how much i need Him daily, hourly, or even how much i need Him every minute.

and to think that i almost didn't come on vacation; like i said just call me crazy.

but why, you ask, did i almost not come on vacation? or maybe you don't ask, but i'm going to tell you anyway. because i didn't think it would make a difference. i didn't think i really needed it, i didn't think that i was so beat down or tired. pretty much, i was thinking straight because i didn't want it to be a reality. it was a hard pill for me to swallow, because again, that meant i had to admit defeat.

anyway, now i face the reality that i have one full day left to bask in the sun, to not think about work, to not worry about what will need done when i get home, to not fret about what i need to change to be a better wife, daughter, or friend--and i love it. going home, i will jump back into my crazy, busy life.

but i love my crazy, busy life. and it was when i lost sight of the fact that i love everything i do (including my job) that things felt like they were falling apart for me.

and it was when i got so caught up in my fear of disappointing people or letting people down that i couldn't take it anymore. i'm not sure that i will ever "cure" myself of this, but i think after this vacation i realize how detrimental it can be to my well being letting other people define the way they think my life should look. and being aware is the first step to making a change.

so, no matter what things get added to my plate or taken off my plate, i will do my best to not live within the expectations i feel are set for me by others. but instead, i will strive to live within the expectations my Heavenly Father has of me; and i believe that simply is for me to let Him love me well.

2011-05-04T19:17:00.000-07:00

vacation has ARRIVED. and i truly cannot explain how thankful i am for that.

never again should i go 9 months without a vacation; well at least not working in the job i do now. it's not good for my well being, or my husband's, or my family's, or my friend's, or my co-worker's or my client's. it simply just cannot happen again.

on a positive note, for the next 5 days i will be relaxing, being refreshed, and resting. away from home, away from work. glorious. simply glorious.

my MSW classes started today and i will be needing to do homework while on vacation, but i think being on vacation will help me transition into balancing classes and work as i get back into the swing of being in school.

in other news, there is potential that God is opening an exciting door for me that i'm praying about. if i continue to feel His leading i will be updating more in detail about that, but for now, i must finish packing. rough, i know.

2011-04-29T16:25:00.000-07:00

today is one of those days that my insides are bursting with anger at the injustices i am surrounded by everyday. legitimately. i tried to let it go on my way home from work, but it just wasn't happening today. over the past two years i've had to learn how to let things go or i wouldn't be able to sleep at night.

i guess it was just one of those weeks that i realized how fragile people are. how broken some people are. how unfair some peoples lives are or have been. how unrealistic some people's expectations are. how lazy some people are. how disadvantaged some people are. and the list could go on and on.

and i hate that i cannot do anything about it. other than be there now. of course, of course i recognize that being there now is doing SOMETHING but i can't change the past for any of these people i work with. and it breaks my heart that i can't. it breaks my heart that when i asked a young girl if she could say anything to someone who has hurt her very badly, her response was, "why did they have to ruin my life?" that there was so much truth to that.

it makes me angry when i talk with some parents about their children they just expect them to turn out well behaved, and they refuse to take any responsibility for the fact that they need to provide consistency, love, support, and boundaries. and then when their children start showing negative behaviors it is always someone else's fault or they need to be medicated, and when it is all said and done they refuse to put forth the effort to give positive or negative consequences and change the environment they have created for their children.

sometimes i just have to say to my friends who work in the same field, "ARE YOU KIDDING ME?" just because i can't take the ridiciulousness any longer. seriously, ARE YOU KIDDING ME!

unfortunately, though, i'm not kidding and the situations i deal with daily are not jokes. far from jokes actually.

and on nights tonight where i feel angry, frustrated, disheartened, annoyed, and dumbfounded i think about the story in the Bible where Jesus was angry that the people had turned His temple, His house of prayer into a den of thieves. His anger was righteous, and He over turned tables. and the situation He was dealing with was definitely no joke, but i wonder to myself, did He ever think, "ARE YOU KIDDING ME?"

i suppose that will be one of the questions i ask Him when i meet Him face to face. but i can't help but feel like my anger is righteous, so i guess until then i will just have to pray He helps me handle it in that manner...and that He gives me the strength to endure.

2011-04-27T18:34:00.000-07:00

t-minus 7 days until v-a-c-a-t-i-o-n. halleujah. seriously, i don't know when i was this excited to go on vacation. but I. CANNOT. WAIT.

i realized last night that for the past two weeks i haven't been home before 9:00 p.m. now, in my college days, that was probably a pretty normal time for me to get back to my room but now-a-days it is very abnormal for it to happen for it that length of time. and i couldn't handle it anymore. so i did something i don't normally do and made it so that i could be home after work. such a good decision and one that i probably need to make more often, but i suppose i will cross that bridge when i get there.

regardless, can i please just tell you how thankful i am for the people God places in our lives?? i know in my last post i talked about my husband and my sister, but i have so many other amazing people in my life. and last night, i had dinner with one of them. she may only be sixteen, but she is by far the wisest and most mature sixteen year old i have ever met in my life. she processes life as if she was my age and even though we are in completely different stages of life, she listens and speaks truth and challenges me in ways she can't even comprehend. and it is uncanny how many similarities we have. seriously, it's crazy. but beyond that, one thing i love about her is her hunger to learn more about the Lord and grow in her relationship with Him. such a blessing to be watching her grow. and even more of a privilege to watch her grow through some of the most difficult obstacles that have been placed in her life. but i walked away from dinner last night, not only thankful for the refreshment it was to have a conversation with her, but i walked away from dinner last night humbled that God allows me to be a part of people's lives and places them in my life at exactly the right time. i like to think God knew i needed her just as much as she may have needed me. He is so faithful.

on another note, my fabulous mom gave my husband and me an Easter basket this year. she is fabulous for more reasons than that she still gives me an Easter basket, but it had a CD in it called "Freedom" where the proceeds of it went to the International Justice Mission. i have been obsessed with it. specifically one song by Sara Groves titled "When the Saints". i'm pretty sure i listened to the song non-stop from the time i left marion until the time i pulled in my driveway on monday night. i went to bed with the song in my head last night and woke up this morning with it in my head. look it up, listen to it, it's amazing. pinky promise.

but anyway, this song, has reminded me of my passion for overseas work and my longing to be there. sometimes i feel like that's more needed that i realize. but, regardless, it excited me, and it excites me to think of the future. not in the way that i am rushing into it, but in the way that i am looking forward to how God can use my passion to expand His Kingdom in an even different way than He is now.

2011-04-24T19:13:00.000-07:00

life is busy. my husband likes to say i've been busy my whole life and i don't know how to NOT be busy. unfortunately, he's right. i hate when he's right. but he is 110% right about this. now, i probably won't tell him that to his face, but at least i've admitted it! and after this weekend, i feel like i'm just begging life to slow down.

but i'm trying to learn in the midst of the busy-ness that Jesus is still present. and on this resurrection sunday, it serves as a good reminder that HE IS ALIVE. what a privilege it is to serve a God who is alive and moving and One who chooses to live among His people. it is so different for me to think of the people i encountered in India who serve gods of the darkness. and it is so sad for me to think of the people i work with daily who do not know what a Mighty God there is who is just drawing them near to Him and loves them infinitely.

anyway, it's been awhile since i posted pictures, and in my desire for life to slow down, i decided that i need to slow myself down. so here i am, taking time to write about two of the most important people in my life. first....

my adoring husband. never in my life did i fathom falling so deeply in love with someone. these past 8 1/2 months have been so wonderful. of course, though, there have been frustrating times; times where i needed alone time and in adjusting to sharing a house with a man it was difficult to find. times where i hated having to utter a word in the morning but being married to a morning person forced me to; times where i have felt like a failure as a wife and times where our communication was not effective. but, the frustrating times have definitely been outweighed by the enjoyable times. times where we have laughed so hard we've cried over something ridiculous; times when we have both compromised and watched tv shows we normally would never imagine watching. times where we have talked and have shared our deepest dreams and desires; times where we have had to communicate effectively and have grown from it. times that we have worshipped the Lord together. times with our families and friends, times spent hosting people in our house, and times where we are just able to be together with no agenda. i love him, and i love that we are journeying through this life together with intentions of bringing the most glory to His Kingdom.

and second, my sister. this weekend we had her baby shower and it was such a blessing to be able to celebrate her and my soon-to-be niece. like all siblings, my sister and i didn't get along the greatest growing up. let's face it; the reality of it was, being the younger one i wanted nothing more to be exactly like my older sister. well, having someone trying to tag along at all times couldn't have been much fun. but, now that we're older and age doesn't seem to matter, i am so thankful that our fun memories out number the fighting memories. we might be polar opposites on so many levels, but my sister knows me better than most people and i wouldn't trade her for anything. i am so excited for her to begin her newest journey as a mother, and i am thankful she is going through it first so that she can teach me all the tricks of the trade that she learns. but, truthfully, i can't wait until we are walking through it together. i can't wait for our kids to be friends and for them to grow up knowing how much their moms love each other. and i am more thankful than words can express of how the Lord is moving and working in her life.

anyway, as i wrap this up, i am reminded of how blessed i am. and as i am thinking about going to work tomorrow, i am hopeful that i can take this thankful attitude with me through each day. chances are, i am going to need it. but i know He will give me the strength to endure.

2011-04-21T19:26:00.000-07:00

i've been meaning to post the past two days now and it's never happened. and after over a 13 hour day at work, i decided that i just needed a sentence of two to bring me back to reality and the important things in life.

i am so thankful i serve a God who answers prayers when we least expect them. prayers that seem to go unanswered for many years, and then BAM.

yes, He is just THAT good. i'm humbled, i'm rejoicing and i am so thankful.

2011-04-16T12:29:00.000-07:00

i feel like i was missing out on something for nearly 22 years. coffee. as i just made a cup for myself this afternoon i was reminded of when i started actually liking coffee; the summer of 2008, my first summer in india. the two girls i traveled with had gotten sick of chai tea and were dying for coffee. since i couldn't refuse the coffee that was given to me and our thattha typically stayed in our apartment with us as we drank our coffee or tea and ate our cookies and cashews, i had to choke it down. but eventually, i ended up liking it. mmmm, it's sweet goodness. well it's only sweet because of the creamer, but still, it's sweet goodness.

anyway, happenings of the week:

1. i got to hold a precious week and a half old baby who weighs less than 5 pounds at work this week; talk about being in HEAVEN. and lucky me, i get to go see her three times a week now! i love babies.

2. one of my favorite work friends said to me this week as we were headed to transport kids for a visit, "how are you? you don't seem stressed." i think that might have been one of the biggest compliments i received this week. and one of the most glorious parts of it; i didn't feel stressed this week.

3. i had a meeting wednesday night for the missions committee at our church and my last client that day called and cancelled his visit with his kids, so i was done earlier than expected. well, with gas being $3.99 a gallon, i decided i would just kill some time at the mall instead of driving all the way home and then back in to church. poor choice; i should have just spent the extra gas money instead of the money i spent at the mall. i did get some great deals though. love that.

4. i got to talk with one of my most beloved friends on the phone on my way home from work last night. i love her, and i love how refreshing our conversations are. even when they aren't about anything serious, just laughing with her brings me joy.

5. my books for grad school came in the mail today; i am excited about this new adventure. i might have to remind myself of that several times in the next two and a half years, though.

6. my sister's baby shower is next weekend, and i truly cannot wait to celebrate her and my sweet niece who will be here before we know it!

all in all, it was a great week, and i am blessed beyond all measure for His faithfulness in my life. i am looking forward to what He has in store for me next week, but before next week starts, i will continue finding joy in the simple things.

2011-04-12T19:29:00.000-07:00

one of my favorite things is hearing the sounds of a train going down the tracks on a still night blowing it's horn. something about that is refreshing to me. perhaps it is because i have been able to hear them like that nearly my entire life from my parent's house. another one of my favorite sounds is the second hand ticking on a clock. when i was a little girl, i remember spending MANY nights at my beloved grandma's house. and when i would curl up on the couch to go to sleep i fell asleep to the ticking of the second hand on the clock. i am thankful for the vivid memories i have.

but why i am writing this post is because i feel like to some degree i've been slightly "complainy" in my last few posts about work. the reality is they have been truthful, but i think it's worth noting when something good happens at work as well. today i was suppose to have an ending visit with a client who has been very successful with me, but i could never really tell if she enjoyed meeting with me. she was always very open and honest (hard to come by) and incredibly willing and eager to learn (even harder to come by). meeting with her was definitely a break in my day. if you've ever seen the movie Life as We Know It, and you remember the part where the social worker talks about grabbing a coffee on her way to meet with her clients and talks about meeting with them being like a mini vacation because they are good clients; well this is a similar situation for me.

regardless, when i talked with her about it potentially being the last visit i heard her say, "i don't really like that." i kind of brushed it off and reminded her of all the progress she has made and encouraged her to keep it up. and to make a long story short, we had another meeting where we were together tonight, and i found out that i would actually be continuing on the case for a period of time. to which she said, "oh good, i love working with elizabeth."

my heart was warmed. spirits lifted. and i thanked my God for the fact that He allows me to be a part of people's lives such as hers. what a privilege; i truly will never know the impact i have on this side of Heaven, and because i trust Him to guide and direct my steps and to give me strength to endure along the way, i am more than ok with that. but i will give Him the praise that is due for little reminders like i was given today.

2011-04-10T16:35:00.000-07:00

i love weekends; thoroughly love weekends. i especially love weekends when the weather is lovely. i usually am a fan of winter; well, not necessarily a big fan, but i usually don't mind it. but this year, i just need to say; i. was. SOOO. over. winter. dreary days, unsafe roads, freezing temperatures, wet boots--over it all.

and then this weekend happened. sunshine abounded, temperatures soared, and i was refreshed. simply marvelous. and i'm going to go ahead and choose to not acknowledge the fact right now that it's not going to be as warm this week and that rain is coming. but, now that i've had a taste of the goodness of summer again, i'm anxiously anticipating its arrival more than ever.

beyond the weather, though, this week continued to challenge me in ways i never could have imagined; i also think i was reminded of a couple important lessons.

the first being: i am eternally grateful for the parents i was given, and i am blessed to be so close with them to this day. my parents taught me a lot of things, instilled a lot of great morals in me, encouraged me to be whatever i wanted to be, but what my parents helped develop in me that stood out to me this week was my work ethic. from a very young age i can remember helping my dad in the grain set up, riding in the tractor with him, and going to help out in the veal barn. i remember sunday afternoons were the days that my sister and i were required to pick up our bedroom no matter how much we hated it, and as i look back helping out around the farm and having to do chores around the house truly taught me motivation and responsibility. now that i am 24 years old and have a full time job, those small lessons my parents took the time to teach me, have made the w.o.r.l.d of difference in the way i do my job now. and i am so thankful for that. working hard at my job is legitimately draining, but i know it's worth it.

and i know it's worth it because of the second lesson that i was reminded of this week. that being, i work for God and not for man. that truth can be so easily forgotten and probably has been forgotten by me for a number of weeks.

the reality is, i don't work by my own strength. the other reality is, He is the one who has given me the gifts to do what i do. people often say to me, "there is no way i could do what you do," or "it takes a special person to do your job," or "i just don't know how you do it." truth be told, i couldn't do it without Jesus walking with me side by side every day, i'm no more special than anyone else who He has created, and i don't know how i do what i do besides He works through my weaknesses.

so, despite the frustrating (extremely frustrating) week i had (again), God still was faithful in the lessons He taught me and the encouragement He gave me. i'm hopeful that this week won't be as frustrating, but i know even in the midst of the frustrating moments my God is still moving and helping to shape me into the woman He desires. so i'm here to say: whatever it takes, Lord, to make me fully Yours. thank You for Your faithfulness now and for the fact that i know You will be faithful in the years, months, days, hours, minutes, and seconds to come.

2011-04-06T17:48:00.000-07:00

today was one of those days at work where i was reminded of why i do what i do. april is prevent child abuse awareness month; for a social worker who works with families and children this month especially weighs heavily on my heart.

a lot of the time, the reality is, i don't see any progress made by any families that i work with. that is frustrating and draining. but, today there was a lunch held in Grant County that talked about the state of Grant County's children. the unfortunate truth is that indiana is ranked 8th in the nation when it comes to child abuse and the frequency of how often children are having to be removed from their parents care.

to me, that is sad. the privilege i have is that i work with some of these parents and children who are often just considered just another statistic. like i said, sometimes there is no progress made by parents when it comes to regaining custody of their children but i have to some how find hope in those situations. and i tend to think of that hope in the light of the children and the new futures they can be given by finding lasting families. there aren't always happy endings, very rarely are there happy endings actually, but i firmly believe that if i am able to better one person's life, my efforts are not in vain.

i need to be reminded of that every now and again.

i know that as stressed out as i often am with my job, as tired as i often am with my job, as annoyed as i often am with my job that one day i will look back and see how doing what i do has shaped me into a better person. and to be quite honest, i am sure that when i am no longer doing exactly what i am doing i will miss it.

so for now, i will relish in the hugs that i receive from the children, the few thank yous i hear from the parents, and the simple truth that sometimes all someone needs is someone to believe in them.

2011-04-02T07:05:00.000-07:00

wow, where did march go? i cannot believe that it is already april; however, i welcome april with open arms longing for warmer days and anxiously anticipating summer so that i can spend my weekends soaking up the sun in my parent's pool. but until then, i will enjoy each day i am given.

i mentioned in my last post that a new book had come in the mail for me; even though i am only two chapters into it, it definitely has forced me to start thinking even more about the way i am living my life. the book is called Having a Mary Spirit; Allowing God to Change Us from the Inside Out. it just so happens that it is the sequel to the book i read with my accountability partner in college Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World. and i love it.

in a lot of ways i feel like i can relate to the author, Joann Weaver, on quite a few levels. desiring to be perfect, being goal driven, longing to serve others, forgetting about taking care of oneself, and wanting an intimate relationship with Christ are just some of the ways that i feel like i can relate to her in just the first few chapters. i found a couple sentences towards the end of the first chapter that explain what the entire book is about, "Having a Mary spirit is about our attitude toward what God wants to do in our lives. The spirit behind the response makes all the difference."

now, i don't know about you, but i'm pretty good at being ok with the reality that God has a plan for my life and that sometimes my plans don't line up with His. but, when those times happen, i must admit, my resposes and my attitude aren't always the best. but i long for a Mary spirit, and i long to be like Mary who was willing to sit at Jesus' feet as her sister Martha busily rushed around trying to accommodate Him. but both of those things require an often thought of ugly six letter word; C H A N G E. Joann sums it up well why it's worth changing, though, "I can't imagine anything more terrible than getting to the end of my life only to discover that God had so much more in mind for me--more freedom, more joy, more peace, more true effectiveness. And I had missed it all, simply because i refused to change."

so, while sometimes asking the Lord to change us can be scary, i will be completely vulnerable and say i am doing just that. i'm not going to miraculously have a Mary spirit or miraculously be more like Mary than Martha, so i know i have to change. is there potential for it to be painful? absolutely, but i know with all of my heart, changing will be help me in all areas of my life and most importantly it will allow me to have more intimacy with my Heavenly Father.

2011-03-30T19:06:00.000-07:00

a new book came in the mail for me today. i can't wait to dig into it and start reading, and to see what God has to teach me through it.

God continues to be faithful in my life despite my unfaithfulness. and i am thankful because i would not be able to make it through my days without Him.

2011-03-26T08:14:00.000-07:00

ah...it's saturday. the sun is shining, my laundry is started, everything is picked up besides the living room, and my husband is sleeping after his night shift clinical. bliss. i love saturdays.

i probably never fully appreciated saturdays until after i got married. i didn't have a house to take care of, i only had my own laundry to do, and honestly, i didn't even care how messy my bedroom was. trust me, my parents were very thankful that my bedroom was at the back of the house :)

i did, however, appreciate saturdays bcause i didn't have to go to work, and that still is true. i love, adore, cherish, appreciate my days off work. especially after a week like i just had...

this week; oh this week. i was humbled, but not before being frustrated beyond belief. you see, working in the social work field it can be easy to become numb to some incredibly difficult situations. and i have done that in a lot of ways, but what i haven't done is forgotten that the clients i work with are still people. living, breathing human beings who are someone's daughter, son, mother, father, sister, brother, aunt, uncle, or cousin.

does that mean i think my clients have made the best choices in their lives? not usually. does that mean i think my clients are all stable enough for their children to be given back to them? not always.

but what it does mean is that my clients still have saddness, pain, joy, happiness--and that also means they have rights. and when those rights are forgotten about by other people, i get heated. when my clients are not treated fairly, i become protective.

i think what can often be forgotten is that i am capable of making all of the decisions my clients have made. now obviously, i haven't, but i could. just because i was raised by amazing parents does not make me any better than people whose parents didn't pay much attention to them. just because i have a college education does not mean i'm smarter than someone who dropped out of high school. just because i am married to a wonderful man does not mean i don't understand others' desire to be loved and cared for. just because i have a support system does not mean i forget about those who are lonely. and just because i am a social worker does not make me better than those i work with.

i don't want to pretend like i have it all figured out. because i don't. but i do want justice for those who are often looked in society, and i believe that i am to fight for that. for now and always.

Mark 2:16-17, "But the teachers of the religious law who were Pharisees saw him eating with tax collectors and other sinners, they asked the disciples, 'Why does he eat with such scum?' When Jesus heard this, he told them, 'Healthy people do not need a doctor--sick people do. I have come to call not those who think they are righteous, but those who know they are sinners.'"

2011-03-20T19:17:00.000-07:00

on most sunday night's my husband will hear the phrase, "i don't want to go to work tomorrow..." typically it's said with some bit of sarcasm because my weekend has flown by and that makes me sad. but also because i know that when my alarm goes off on monday morning there will be no looking back until i am home on friday evening. on this particular sunday night, i didn't have a chance to tell him that i don't want to go to work tomorrow because he had to go to bed insanely early due to his schedule. he always says he doesn't like to start the week off tired. smart man i married, i should follow suit, but alas i am here, blogging, of all things.

so why am i blogging? well because, i REALLY don't want to go to work tomorrow. like, sick feeling in my stomach don't want to go to work tomorrow. maybe it's because i didn't work on friday and i know that means i will have several emails awaiting my reply, or maybe it's because i know my voicemail light on my phone will be blinking and there will have been some crisis that i wasn't able to respond to because i, for once, didn't check my voicemail when taking a day off work. (don't be too proud, though, i still made a work phone call.)

so as i've wrestled with this thought of not wanting to go to work and feeling of dread in knowing my alarm is going to go off and that i am going wait until the absolute last minute to get out of bed which will force me to eat my breakfast and to drink my cup of coffee on the way to work, i took a minute and asked myself a simple question; why?

now i don't really have much of an answer, but i have a couple hunches both of which i think have some validity. the first being that i have been incredibly stressed out with work (hence my two most recent posts) and with how busy my husband and i have been i just want to BE STILL. the second being the sermon at church today was about being the salt and light of the world.

now some may ask why that would have .a n y t h i n g. to do with not wanting to go to work tomorrow, but i believe that even before my week starts Satan is already trying to discourage me from being the salt and light my clients deserve to see and need to see. so this is my feeble attempt to list some reasons why i am thankful for the life i am living, even though it may be busy, to help give myself an attitude adjustment.

1. i love people and i love people's stories. being with my clients, my friends, my family, my volleyball girls truly does bring me joy. sure, it's draining at times, but i think everything has its time and place to be draining. i have been given the opportunity to love others well and beyond that, doors are opened for me DAILY to be the salt and light that Jesus has called us as Christians to be.
2. for everything there is a season. what better time is there in life than now to be this busy? two years from now if my husband and i have kids there is no way i can be involved in all the things i am involved in. there is no way if i had kids i would be able to invest as much time and energy in my workplace. there is no way i would be able to say "yes" to all the things i say yes to, so i am grateful that this is the season in my life for this.
3. He is my constant. when things get hairy during my day; i am so thankful i have Him to hear my deepest heart's cries and my most ridiculous frustrations.
4. my motivation truly is to bring glory to His Kingdom. my job, my life, my everything is not about me. it's about laying down myself at His feet daily; by the hour, by the minute and even by the second. i don't always do this well; in fact, i stink at it a lot of the time because i am a slightly OCD, control freak but i am seeking to do this more intentionally.
5. little conversations that keep me going. on friday i had a conversation with a 5 year old about the cross on my keychain one of my sweet friends gave me. this 5 year old asked me about the cross and told me that Jesus died on it. i talked with him about why Jesus died on the cross and told him it was so that we could go to heaven if Jesus was living in our hearts. and he immediately piped up and asked me what heaven was like. i contemplated for a minute about how i was going to answer such a broad question to a 5 year old, but i told him to imagine the BEST thing he could ever imagine in his life. he told me that it was to have a big house and to be able to play basketball. and i told him the heaven would be that and more. and with all the innocence of a 5 year old he said to me, 'does that mean Jesus will play basketball with me?' and smiling like a fool i answered him, 'yeah, buddy, i think that it absolutely means that Jesus will play basketball with you.'
6. seeing the Kingdom burst forth. last sunday our pastor talked about the beatitudes and about how being blessed is when God is bursting forth from your life. he continued on with it a bit today about where we see the Kingdom bursting forth in our own lives and in people's lives around us. i see the Kingdom burst forth daily; be it in a conversation that i have with a 5 year old about heaven, in talking with an 8 year old about the Jesus music that i play in my car, in seeing a mother of three grasp the concept of budgeting so she can afford to feed her family, in seeing a woman just two years younger than myself smile and laugh for the first time in weeks as she struggles with depression, in a conversation with my sweet fifteen year old friend who gave me the cross keychain that points me back to what's really important, and the list could go on and on...i see the Kingdom burst forth daily, even hourly and that is a privilege. a privilege that an inadequate 20 something year old never fathomed God would bless her with.
7. being inadequate and God using me anyway. i probably will never understand this, but i am so thankful that HIS power is made perfect in my weakness; that He has designed me intricately and perfectly as a part of the Body of Christ to make an eternal difference but that i am not created to do it all by myself.
8. that as i've typed this list has gotten easier and easier to continue and to add on to and to remind myself of the truly important things in life and what i am really thankful for.

so while i may still be dreading my alarm going off in the morning, simply because i am not a morning person, i am hopeful and confident that i will go into my work week with restored confidence and a new peace as i remember why i am thankful for what i do even when the going gets rough.

thank you God...for bursting forth in so many areas around me. may i be the salt and light of the earth you have called us to be, not just this week but for now and always.

2011-03-17T18:03:00.000-07:00

even though i've had a blog for three years or so, i've never been all that dedicated to using it. but recently, i've come across several blogs that i love reading. and i think that i love reading them because i love knowing people's stories. love it. now, i am well aware my blog will never be as popular as the people's i have found, but i love the fact that i can look back over all my blog entries and see how the Lord has moved in my life. and for that i am thankful.

i am also thankful that i have tomorrow off work and that my husband and i are going to finally get to spend some quality time together. time off work and time with my husband are both desperately needed.

now granted, i will only be taking 2 hours of vacation time because i somehow managed to work 38 hours in a 4 days, but i've survived. and i can't wait to go to bed tonight and not have to set an alarm. really, it's the little things in life that i get so excited about anymore.

but beyond that, i feel like God has really been challenging me lately. in college, i read a book with my beloved accountability partner and eventual roommate called Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World. as we sat in the coffee shop on campus discussing this book, i remember so desperately wanting to be like Mary but knowing that my life did not reflect that. my life reflected Martha. and my life now is reflecting Martha.

i'm wrestling with this truth. i've become accustomed to being busy. it's not an excuse but it's become my lifestyle. i was busy in high school, i was busy in college, i'm busy as an adult. i don't know how to not be busy. i'm queen of making my schedule piece together for work; i've been able to fit helping with volleyball in, i've been trying to balance my new role as a wife, maintaining a house, keeping in contact with family and friends, and trying to fit in taking care of myself. i'm used to it.

so how do i not be busy? i haven't figured that out yet, but i want to be like Mary. i want to sit at the feet of my Savior and not worry about the craziness going on around me. i want Him to teach me and i want to hear His voice. so i need to be more intentional, and i need to be willing to say no.

i trust that He knows what He is doing with my inadequacies, and i am thankful that He is still faithful.

2011-03-10T16:36:00.000-08:00

it's been such a long while since i've updated; i feel as though the cursor blinking at me on this screen is doing so as if to mock me. but anyway, a lot has been going on, but i'm not sure if this update will bring justice to the last five weeks of my life.

life has been crazy to say the least in these last five weeks. there have definitely been good times and there have definitely been frustrating times. i have been reminded more than ever before how much i crave control and how much i don't do well admitting when i need help. and really, for those of you who have been reading my blog for the past few months or years or who know me at all should not be surprised by that statement.

let me first start off by saying that i am so blessed with the life that i live, and that i by no means am intending to paint a sob story about the last five weeks of my life. all i am intending to do is share at least partially what i have been processing through and learning from. as well as the joys i have experienced along the way.

so, with that said, allow me to begin: God has continued humbling me in my workplace each day. i think that over the last five weeks i have been busier with work than i have been since i started working full time. while it is great to be busy and to not be sitting in the office all day, i have found more than ever my heart breaking for those with whom i work. not only has work been trying because of the number of clients i have been carrying, but it has also been trying because of the situations i have found myself in. i feel like i have this great privilege of working with some of the most forgotten adults and children in our american society, but their stories are sad. depressing. disheartening. and seemingly hopeless. i have found myself sitting in the court room thinking about how parents can get to the point of losing their rights to their children, and how the children never asked to be put into the situation they have been put in. i have found myself wanting to cry with clients who have been through more in their 7-16 short years on earth than i have been through or could imagine going through in my 24 years. i have found myself angry with the ignorance of people and angry because of people's laziness. i have found myself frustrated beyond words because of others being irrational, and i have found myself annoyed at parents who find it ok to let their babies cry.

but i have been humbled each and every day as God challenges me to love them anyway. and honestly, i suck at it a lot of days. but, because of His faithfulness He gives me the strength to get out of every bed each morning and try again. there have been a lot of days where i have been so exhausted that i don't want to get out of bed and where i have hit the snooze button a few too many times. there have been several days where i long for one of my clients to no show and there have been times where i feel like crying because my clients who consistently show up for their appointments are making absolutely no progress.

but i am reminded that, i am not the Ultimate Judge. i am not the One who it going to decide these people's fate. and, to be quite honest, i don't completely know the condition of their hearts. and the most i can actually do, is show them by the way i live my life that there is Someone i am living for. Someone bigger than myself, and Someone who is able to guide and direct my steps. so, i am continually reminded that i cannot play God. i cannot make people's decisions for them, i cannot make them do something they are unwilling to do, and i cannot save them from the choices they have made. so despite my inadequacies, frustrations, and failures i am willing to continue being His vessel in this manner as long as He tells me to.

moving on, my life has also been kept interesting as i have also applied to grad school for my Maters in Social Work. after much praying, searching, and investigating, i found a completely online program through the University of New England that seemed to be the perfect fit for me and where dan and i are at in life. i would not have to give up my saturdays for the next two years, and i would have more flexibility to continue working as well with this program. so i filled out the informational portion online, wrote my personal mission statement, got my transcripts, got my references to write letters, and had it all sent it. and, legitimately, i found out about 4 days before my application was due to UNE that IUPUI, right here in indiana, is going to be starting an online MSW program in 2012. talk about horrible timing for a slightly OCD control freak.

i think that when i texted dan that day he was probably dreading what the next few weeks would look like for him as i frantically tried to get my questions answered about what this new program might look like, how much money i could save, if advanced standing was going to be offered in 2012, if it would be worth not graduating until 2015 as compared to 2013, and probably 239285020 other questions, and in all honesty, i can't say i blame him. i don't know how anyone could stand to live with me when i am going through one of those freak out times. (kudos to my parents for doing it for 23.5 years and for daniel doing it willingly since we've been married!)

and legitimately, i did freak out. there were several times i was on the verge of tears because i hate not knowing what's coming next and i hate not having a clear answer as to what the right decision is and what is the wrong decision. and let us not forget how stressed out i have been with work. but God ever so gently nudged me back to him, quietly and patiently asking me when i was going to just trust him. and when i was going to just surrender the situation to him and start praying instead of freaking out trying to control things.

i don't have any problem admitting it now, but i was embarrassed by my foolishness and i'm pretty sure that is why it was so hard to give the situation to him. i know in my heart of hearts that if i pray and talk to Jesus about what is going on in my life, my life is so much easier. time and time again i hold too tightly to what is going on and i am blinded somehow to the freedom there is in laying situations at His feet.

so the next few days were spent making sure i was intentionally seeking His face and His desire for me. and, even as i sit here and write this about three weeks later, i don't have a clear answer as to what i am "suppose" to do. but, i can tell you that i was accepted to UNE on monday and that even though i don't know for 100% what i am going to do, i much more at peace, much more rational, and probably much less annoying to my husband, family, and friends.

so that's work and grad school for me. but there's more. (and this is why i should never go 5 weeks without blogging.) in the midst of everything i have had going on, dan has been crazy busy with his paramedic schooling. his classes on wednesdays started back up mid-january, but his 12 hour clinical shifts have also started during the week. he's also still working part-time as an EMT. and part time pretty much means he's working every day that he is not in class or doing a clinical shift. i have no shame in admitting that our schedules are nuts, and crazy schedules make it difficult for us to see each other or spend quality time together. not the picture that i had going into marriage. it has also been discovered that because dan and i don't like to spend money and because our crazy schedules don't allow for us to see our friends, we have failed epically at continuing to date since we have been married. now again, i'm not painting a sob story, because we are learning and we are improving, but for anyone who is not yet married and who is reading my blog, make dating a priority even after you get married. it's necessary and if you make it a habit right away, it will not be easily lost when life gets unexpectedly crazy. but again, Our God has been faithful in providing us with just enough quality time and fun moments together to help us survive. and He has taught us so much about loving one another well when we're tired, drained, and or emotional that i probably wouldn't trade anything that we've been through for a less busy life.

other things that have changed recently that i don't have the stamina to write a long paragraph about each of them consist of: volleyball starting back up twice a week for me (which has been simply w.o.n.d.e.r.f.u.l.), me being asked to join the missions committee at our church, me recognizing that i can be compassionate to a fault, us trying to discern God's will for us when it comes to going overseas this summer or this year in general, and i am sure several other things that i cannot think of at the moment.

but one of the most beautiful things i have continued to be amazed at over the last five weeks and the last thing i want to blog about tonight is the power of relationships. as life has changed drastically for me since i got married, the Lord has been so faithful at placing the exact people in my life just when i need them. be it my friend who is ten years older than me that listens with such patience and genuineness, my friend who i have known for over a decade that i have somewhat recently just reconnected with that understands my heart and desire to make everyone happy, my friends from college who have seen me grow and change in so many ways, or my friend who is nearly eight years younger than me that speaks just about as much truth into my life as anyone, i am blessed. and i would not be who i am today without them and their support. and my hope and prayer is that i can be the kind of friend to them that they are to me.

i am a work in progress, and i am thankful the my God is not done with me yet.
until next time, may i continue striving to live wholly devoted to Him, seeking His face in all i say, do, and think.

2011-02-02T17:44:00.000-08:00

well, today was my first official snow day as an adult; however, since i work for a mental health agency apparently we're all medical personnel so that means that even though it was a level 1 snow emergency i should have still driven to work and taken my id with me in case i got pulled over to prevent getting a ticket. instead, i opted to take vacation time so that i didn't risk my life. not so much of a snow day, but a day off work nonetheless. and i think it was needed.

actually, i know it was needed. i think the reality of it is i don't realize how stressed out, burnt out, or emotionally drained from work i am until i have time to rest. and even when i have time to rest, i have trouble resting. but i feel like that's the story of my life.

with that said, i guess it's no secret that work hasn't been the easiest in the past two weeks. i feel like it's been a constant state of digging myself out of holes with clients that i have no business being in because i really haven't done anything wrong. it's been frustrating, upsetting, and humbling. frustrating because i hate people being upset with me no matter who they are, upsetting because i know the things i've been accused of are not my character, and humbling because God has had to remind me again that it is not my responsibility to save people.

i've had to recognize and remember that i need to make every effort to do my job well enough that if i were to get fired from a case from a client that i would have no regrets. i have had to remind myself that there is always hope even in the midst of the most hopeless situations. and i have had to remember to focus on the positives rather than the negatives. and i have had to trust more than ever that He knows what He is doing and the work that He is having me do is not in vain.

but i digress for now and will continue hoping and praying for a miracle. and i am sure, i will continue learning in the process as well.

2011-01-25T20:02:00.000-08:00

tonight is one of those nights that i have to cling to the truth more than ever that one day HE will set all things right.

Lord, You are in control. You have heard my desperate cries and i know you will reveal your sovereignty somewhere, somehow. strengthen all of us who deal with the brokenness Satan's evil schemes have caused in the lives of so many who are desperate for you. remind me to choose joy. may i see You more clearly.

2011-01-18T19:10:00.000-08:00

sometimes i just need to reflect on something that has happened during my day to remind me that i really do love my job. and today's reflection just happens to be a little humorous that happened at my client's today:

"mooooooooooooooom, i need toilet paper, i took a dump."
as the mom rolls her eyes, confused as to why her daughter decided to use the upstairs bathroom. she yells for her daughter to hold on and proceeds to go get her the toilet paper she needs and walks it up the stairs to her. to which i hear:
"hey mom, tell liz i just took a dump."

sometimes i hear things i could have gone without hearing for the day. today's happened to be funny, but there are other days when the things i hear are sad, disheartening, disgusting, frustrating, and a whole slew of other things. but i am thankful to be blessed with a burden for others. what a privilege it is to be chosen in the way that i am.

2011-01-17T06:20:00.000-08:00

sometimes, i am amazed at how much control i try to hold over my life. but maybe what amazes me isn't that i try to hold control, but maybe it's that i continue trying to hold control time after time after time when i know Who is in control of my life. and what really gets me is that i don't often recognize what i am doing until i have to be broken from it yet again.

i think that i have always been a planner. i love being able to fit seeing everyone i want into a weeks time span, i love my actual planner where my hours are planned out in front of me, and i love having a schedule for my own life as to where things need to occur. and planning in itself isn't a bad thing, but when i forget to incorporate the One who actually holds me in His hands, it becomes a battle for me to relinquish control to Him. just this morning, before i got out of bed, i was laying there trying to plan how i could work out the next, oh say, 2 years of my life so that i could do everything i wanted to do in that amount of time. and now, about 45 minutes later, i am trying not to laugh at my foolishness.

and i don't say that because i have figured out how to completely hand control over to Him, because i haven't, but i have once again recognized that i am being foolish. and i have once again recognized that i am not fully living for today but the days to come, and that is not something i want.

so, as i go about my day today, i am going to try my hardest to live for today, and to not be so concerned about 2 years from now. i am going to try my hardest to be obedient to what the Lord has called me to even if i can't see the end result and trust that He truly is in full control over even the tiniest details of my life.

2011-01-03T18:42:00.000-08:00

sometimes i just have to stop and praise the Lord for His faithfulness. these past couple weeks have by no means been a walk in the park as far as work is concerned. but as i was leaving my last client's house today, her mom was shutting the door behind me, and she said, "thanks liz, for all you've done."

my heart melted. it's the little comments like that keep me going.

and then, if that wasn't good enough, was i pulled away from their house, i was directly facing a half of a rainbow. Praise the Lord for meeting us where we are at.

2010-12-29T18:20:00.000-08:00

each and every day, i am thankful for the blessings the Lord has placed in my life. however, on my birthday, i am always that much more thankful. i am thankful for the year that has past and for the year that is ahead of me and all the joys it has to offer me. so, as tradition would have it, here's a list of 24 things i am thankful for today on my 24th birthday.

1. a relationship with my Heavenly Father that is intimate and continually growing.
2. my husband and the journey we've been on and are on together.
3. my family; for their support, the laughter we share, and the foundation they gave me.
4. my friends; my best friend, my long time friends, my new friends, my work friends, my camp friends, all of my friends :)
5. india and my precious children halfway around the world who have taught me the importance of loving boldly.
6. my job; for the opportunities it gives me to be Jesus' hands and feet to those who otherwise have the potential to fall through the cracks in society.
7. little kids and babies; for their innocence and the joy they possess that reminds me to be thankful for the little things.
8. a relaxing night/weekend; because they are few and far between.
9. coffee; for the way it warms me up in the winter and the routine it provides me with in the mornings.
10. having my house clean, laundry done, and everything organized; because it makes me feel like i've accomplished something when it's all said and done.
11. volleyball this year; for the relationships i developed and the privilege it was to in a way be a part of a team again.
12. laughter; for the refreshment it brings and for being able to make others laugh.
13. starry clear nights; for the creativity it shows of my Creator.
14. hand written letters; writing them and receiving them; being able to make someones day in a simple yet significant way.
15. reading; for the escape it provides and the wisdom it brings.
16. sunrises/sunsets; the reminders they provide on new beginnings.
17. hugs; the way they have the ability to comfort in ways that others are unaware.
18. deep conversations; the fact that they make me feel alive afterwards.
19. being able to keep in contact with friends and family easily; phone calls, texting, facebook, emails, etc.
20. dreaming big for the future; thinking of all the possibilities of the ways in which God could use a broken vessel like me.
21. hearing others' stories; the way they remind me of the Body of Christ.
22. time alone; the relaxation and rejuvenation that occurs afterwards.
23. investing in others; being able to see other people recognize their strengths and abilities and talents just because they've hade someone believe in them.
24. memories; the fact that they remind me of the past, that i know they are always constant even in a state of change, and the ability they have to always make me laugh.

i am so thankful.
i am so blessed.
i am so looking forward to my 24th year and all that is in store.

2010-12-04T08:38:00.000-08:00

one of my favorite thing about lazy saturdays is coffee in the afternoons instead of the mornings. another one of my favorite things of today is that i can look out my big picture windows and see the snow falling.

i feel like the past few weeks have been a blur. i've thought about sitting down to update this quite a few times, but i'm pretty sure i just went to bed early instead. so here i am today; thankful for the stillness and still excited from the happenings of my week.

for those of you who haven't heard, i took on a new role at my job. i'm still doing everything i was doing, so really, it's just an added responsibility that i had training on for two days this week. long story short, Grant County, where i work, is bringing a framework for all youth services providers (educators, caseworkers, youth pastors, etc.) to use called the 40 Developmental Assets. These assets are 40 things that kids need to be successful; they are separated into two catergories, which are internal and external. and then they are broken down into eight smaller categories as well. anyway, this framework will provide a common language among service providers throughout the county who are serving kids with hopes to bring more assets into their lives so that they can be as successful as possible. pretty exciting if you ask me.

regardless, as i sat through the training, i was forced to look at my own life and to think about who has had an impact on or who has helped develop assets in my life. i was humbled as i sat there and thought about the way my parents encouraged me, as well as my grandma; i was grateful to think about all of the positive coaches i had in my life who took the time to invest in my life; i was amazed at the memories i have from people from church and church camp; and the list could go on and on.

and then i had to take a look at myself in another light. about whether or not i am doing all i can to invest in the people who are in my life. and i took it step farther to look at it from a Christian perspective...and i asked myself, am i doing what the Lord has called me to and am i helping to develop assets in people's lives i am a part of?

in some situations i felt like i could answer with a confident yes, but in other situations that came to my mind, i felt as though i could be working a little harder. and as i go about my days now, i am trying my hardest to take the time to notice those i often would overlook or to take the time to send that extra text message just to let someone know i was thinking about them.

another one of the coolest things about this training was that it emphasized that EVERYONE can make a difference in other people's lives. and it is so true. we never know how much of difference a smile, a card, a hug, a high five, or taking someone out for dinner can make. and it's humbling to think that we have the ability to make a difference without even knowing it.

my favorite quote from the whole two day training was this, "every child needs to be loved irrationally by one person--but better yet, they deserve it from more than one."

and it's so true; they do.

and i have a thousand times over this week thanked the Lord for giving me a heart as big as he has. while sometimes having a heart like mine comes with much heartache; i wouldn't trade it for anything. and i am so grateful for what He has entrusted me with and so blessed to be able to simply be His Hands and Feet.

as i sat in training, the thought kept occurring to me; i love my job. i love what i am doing outside of work. i love making a difference no matter how small or whether or not the results are able to be seen immediately. and as i sat in training it was definitely affirmed that i am passionate about people.

pretty much, the best way i can sum all of this up is by a Shane Claiborne quote i found several years ago, "...I want to be a lover of God and a lover of people."

life is such an amazing journey, and i'm choosing to find joy along the way. My Jesus is ever so faithful, even in the most difficult of times, and i am trusting him to carry me along the way when i don't have the strength to love others as well as i would like.

but for now, i leave you with the truth, reality and fact, that YOU too can make more a difference in the people's lives you are already in than you may ever know. don't underestimate how far even the smallest gesture can go.

praise God for working in our weaknesses to bring Him glory.

2010-11-15T18:12:00.000-08:00

it seems strange that i am finally able to update this from my own house. being on the waiting list for the internet for 3+ months really put a damper on my blogging. but, let's be serious, who knows if i'll be any more consistent now than i was for the past few months. regardless.

tonight, i find myself r e l a x e d. and so thankful for that feeling. even though there is laundry that needs folded and a destroyed cotton ball on my floor that i let my cat play with that needs picked up, i'm ok with letting the laundry remain unfolded until tomorrow and the cotton ball to be there for at least 15 more minutes.

it's hard to believe that it's already the middle of November, that i've been married for three and a half months, that i've been at my job for over a year, that i've been back from india for five months, and that my life is still so uncertain even though it seems so stable.

i feel like no one ever tells you that after you graduate college, get a job, and get married that your life really isn't perfect. now, i really have no complaints, but the harsh reality is that the age range from the time you graduate college until who knows when is just absolutely unknown. sure, you can plan for your weeks and weekends, but looking five years down the road, who really knows what that looks like...so all those five year plans that i have made and remade in the past year really don't have much meaning other than that they are my big dreams that i refuse to quit chasing until God shows me otherwise.

but in the midst of all the uncertainty, i've realized how good i had it in elementary, high school, and college. my days were planned and the years to come after that were pretty well planned out for me as well. all i had to worry about was what i was going to wear the next day, and even then i really didn't have to worry about that. while i disliked my high school years for various reasons, i am so tempted to volunteer to go back to that.

but, i can't. so instead of wishing, and hoping, and dreaming of things that can't really happen; i instead shall wish, hope, and dream for the future, even if the journey to whatever the future holds is rough.

ok, i digress. where to now...?

oh yes, my whole purpose in this blog...i want to tell all of you (whoever all of you are) about a conversation i had with someone last week. i've changed her name, but let me give a little background on this story.

before this conversation happened, i was with this person the day she was taken to the hospital. she is a rather young mother, whom i have never talked with about me being a Christian. (simply because i can't; not because i choose to, but because my job tells me i can't...) regardless. as i sat in her living room the following week, this is the conversation that ensued:

Sue: "You know, there is no reason that I am here today..."
Me: "What do you mean, Sue?"
Sue: "Well, I shouldn't be here, there is no reason that I lived."
Me: "Of course there is a reason that you lived..."
Pause in conversation...
Sue: "Do you believe in guardian angels?"
Me: "Well, I believe in angels, why?"
Sue: "Because I had to have a guardian angel or something watching over me last week, because there is no reason I should be here."
Me: "Well, I can understand what you're saying, but the way you're talking about a guardian angel is how I view God. And that God protects me, and I believe that God was protecting you last week."
Sue: "Yeah...because there is no reason I should still be here."
Me: "Yes, there is a reason you are still here. You have three beautiful children you have to take care of."
Sue: "Yeah, I am here to take care of my children."
Me: "Yes, you are. No one can ever take your place of doing that."
Sue: "Yeah, well, I knew I could talk to you about this because I know you believe in God and because you are a Christian."
Me: "Yes, I do believe in God, and I am a Christian."
Pause in conversation and ten minute diversion to another topic...
Sue: "Did you pray for me that day?"
Me: "Yes, I did. I prayed for you my whole way home from work that day, and I pray for you and your family often."
Sue: "Well, I knew you did because you are a Christian."
Me: "Mmmhmm."
Sue: "Well thanks."

And the conversation was dropped.

but i walked out of that house in awe of the way God has used me in her life without me even knowing it. and i walked out of that house in awe that the Lord has chosen a broken vessel like me to impact His Kingdom in ways that i am not even aware of.

did i lead that women to Christ in her living room that day? no, i did not. but do i believe i was obedient to what the Lord was asking me to do that day? yes, i do. and did it make me realize that prayer truly does change things? yes, it absolutely did.

and God deserves all the glory for that.

in other news, i'm longing to get back to my children in india. however, that is not new news. there is not one single day that goes by that i don't think of them or long to hold them in my arms. and before i sat down to write tonight, as i was painting my fingernails, i was just watching their pictures scroll by on my screensaver. their smiles brought tears to my eyes. even their joy caught for a brief second in a picture is enough to overwhelm my heart and cause me to rejoice that i have been so blessed to have spent time with them. i love that they have taught me so much about loving boldly and unconditionally.

more and more i am realizing how God uses those younger than us to teach us lessons. i think of the lessons my children in india have taught me, how much my client's have taught me, how much some of my volleyball girls have taught me, and i consider it a privilege to know each and every young person that Lord has brought into my life. i can only hope and pray that the He has used me and will continue using me in all of their lives; whether or not i see the impact here on this earth, i want to be obedient to whatever He has called me to.

oh life...there is never a dull moment, and i am so thankful that i am living for a Purpose. i'm sure i could continue on and on about the ways i've seen God show up in my life...but i'll save it for another day. afterall, i have the internet now, so i can update more often, and that cotton that is all over my floor really needs picked up at this moment. but as i go to bed tonight, i am going to go to bed thanking God for his faithfulness. and i hope and pray that wherever you are whenever you read this you will pause and thank Him for his faithfulness as well.

2010-10-08T08:16:00.000-07:00

well, it just has seemed to be one of those weeks where nothing goes how i want it to or expect it to. how frustrating...but, i am thankful for the ways God has shown up in the midst of disappointment and frustration.

this week at work, i've literally only seen like four clients, which is very abnormal. i'm going to go ahead and blame it on the full moon, though. i've spent ample hours in the office, and while i have been able to get my paperwork done and everything along those lines, it's also provided me with ample time to think and process life. now how well i am going to do with putting that into words, i'm not entirely sure, but i figured i might as well try at this point.

in my last post, i mentioned how much life has changed (and if i didn't, i meant to). and i'm realizing that life is continually changing. i heard this week that one of the only constant things in life is change (besides God of course). and how true that statement is and it resounded with me so much. over the past year and a half my life has been a whirlwind of changes, i won't mention them all, but i have constantly felt like once my feet get planted back on firm ground another change comes around and knocks the firm ground right from under me. and while i have learned and grown and changes in many good ways from all of them, that doesn't mean it's been easy. and i am so much grieving the past and the way things used to be even though i'm happy with the majority of things in my life right now. confusing? tell me about it...

but, as i've been realizing all of this, God has still been teaching me great things. but i have also been humbled at my foolishness of not trusting Him like i should. i have been humbled by my foolishness of trying to handle everything on my own, and i have been humbled at how i think i know so much but really know so little. and it has been in my humbled state that God has been able to comfort me, bring me peace, speak truth into my life, and remind me that even if i feel lonely, i'm never alone. and it has also been in this humbled state that God has broken me of my pride of playing "god" in the lives of others, and forcing me to recognize that i can minister to others, but i can't rescue them and that i have to let go of the "savior mentality". talk about being broken...

but beauty comes from brokenness, right?

and the beauty is starting to surface in my life. at least that's what it feels like to me...you see, for the past two weeks in Bible study we've been studying Ephesians 3:20-21 (it's a part of the Faithful, Abundant and True Bible Study...) and it says "Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to Him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever, Amen." and it has been through these verses that i have come to some profound (or at least i think they are profound) conclusions.

you see, as i've been trying to control pretty much every aspect of my life i have forgotten that God can do immeasurably more than i could ask or imagine. how selfish of me. but here's what's stuck with me besides that...immeasurably more, what does that mean? immeasurably more means that God goes way beyond my way beyond. so whatever i ask for, God has the power to go way beyone anything i could expect or imagine. and it's my job to trust that He has the power to do that, but it's His job to decide whether or not He's going to do that. and just because i don't understand what that means right now, doesn't mean i'm never going to, but even if i don't ever find out what it means, it doesn't mean that He's not using it for Kingdom purposes. and it is that simple fact that i have to be ok with...and i'm learning to be ok with it, i'm not going to be perfect at it all the time, but i am learning, and i trust that God will continue moving in my life.

but anyway, i have also been recognizing that God uses unexpected people to bring joy to my life. maybe not unexpected, but people who don't realize they are doing what they are doing. take for instance last night, i was talking with one of the volleyball girls who has been a delight for me to get to know, and i mentioned India to her and she told me she had always wanted to do something like that. so of course, i told her she could come with me sometime, and we talked a little longer about it, and a little bit more in detail as the night went on, but what an encouragement she was to me at the age of 15 telling me that she wants to go help people in need and that she loves being involved in church. it excites me to think about how God is going to use her, and how thankful i am that God has brought her into my life.

anyway, enough of my ramblings.

Bless God today, my friends, Bless God.

2010-09-20T06:28:00.000-07:00

well, it's been awhile, and a lot has changed. and, i'd say for the most part all of it is good. while change has never been something that has come easily for me, i have learned to adjust and i have tried my hardest to find joy in even the seemingly most frustrating times.

but in the midst of all of the frustrating things or hard changes, God's faithfulness has been revealed to me on so many different occassions. and for that i am grateful.

anyway. it's crazy to think about the fact that i have been at my job for a year. and...let me just tell you i have learned so much about God's grace and loving those who are often over looked. as i've built relationships with these kids and their parents with whom i work, i have come to a deeper understand of the importance of relationships and love. on some days, it comes very naturally for me to invest in my clients and for me to provide them with the support they need. but on other days, i truly have to depend on God's strength to allow me to get through the day so that i don't yell, "WHAT ARE YOU THINKING?!" at someone. regardless, the opportunities i have had to get to know people and hear their stories truly is humbling. sometimes it's frustrating that i am unable to share my faith with the people i work with like i would want to, but when i think about the reality that the people i am building relationships with are people who are often over looked by the church, i just have to pray and trust that God is using me to be His hands and feet to somehow, someway plant a seed in their hearts...

it's also crazy for me to think about the fact that i am married. yes, married. it's still very weird for me to introduce Daniel to someone as "my husband". or to hear him introduce me by saying, "this is my wife." weird. but, it's been so good to journey together through these last six weeks. sure, there are little things that drive both of us nuts. for example, the fact that i squeeze my toothpaste from the middle while he squeezes his from the end (we have separate tubes now), or that sometimes we forget to ask the other questions and end up telling the other what to do or what should be done (that never goes over well), or how about that i would rather watch TLC and he would rather watch the world news (guess we should have taken my grandma's advice and gotten more than one tv...), and the list could continue. but, in the midst of all of those things, it's been such a joy to laugh together and to seek the Lord's will for our lives together.

it was interesting, one night before we went to bed, we did one of our devotions together, and it talked about love. (fitting for marriage, i know, right?) but in the midst of it, the devotion asked us how we could love more like love is described in 1 Corinthians 13. i don't know about anyone else, but i'm not always patient, nor am i always kind. i sometime gets jealous, and sometimes i'm proud. a lot of the time i am rude (sarcasm gets the best of me...) and i can be pretty selfish. and i may not appear to be angry very often, but, i tend to keep that masked on the inside, so it probably happens more frequently than people realize. it can be hard for me to keep no record of wrongs, because i have such a vivid memory...and i guarantee the list could continue. but, all of that is to say, that i, without Christ, cannot love as we, as the Body of Christ, are called to love. now, this can be looked at one of two ways; disheartening or encouraging. and in this particular case i tend to lean to looking at the glass half full...i am encouraged knowing that through Christ i am able to love as He wants me to love. and it is key for me in my marriage to not depend on Daniel to teach me what the meaning of love is, but to know, understand, and grasp the fact that if i want to love Daniel, the people i work with, or Christ in the way i am called to, i must continue growing in my individual relationship with my Redeember. and what a privilege it has been to do that.

piggy backing off of that, i have realized over the course of the last few weeks how much i truly love building relationships with people. i feel like relationships are so fundamental to leading people to the Lord and fundamental in helping people grow closer to Him. while i spend the majority of my days building relationships with people, i felt like/feel like God is calling me to more outside of my workplace. i haven't quite figured out what all it entails yet, but i will say that i am excited for whatever it means.

and i guess that brings me to another change that has taken place in my life. a good change that has truly brought me so much joy. right after i got back from my honeymoon, i started helping with volleyball at my old high school. (yes, i swore when i graduated that i would never set foot back in that school, but since i coached 8th grade last year, i figured i had already broken that statement, so there was no harm in going back again.) unfortunately with my work schedule i was unable to commit to coaching my own team, and even more than that, unfortunately i am only able to go about 2-3 times a week, but on the days when i do get to go, it has been so much fun to start building relationships with these girls and to continue the relationships i had with my girls from last year. when i look at the girls on the team, it excites me to see their potential; not just on the volleyball court, but in regards to life in general. they have no idea what awaits them in the years ahead, and it truly is so fun to see them learn and grow. there's so much i could write about each one of the girls and even the coaches; about what they have taught me so far and how much i want to hear their stories about what makes into the beautiful women they are, but maybe i'll save that for another day, and in the mean time, i'll continue praying for each of them to recognize their abilities, talents, and gifts that they have been given.

in other news, which isn't new news, but still worth noting is how much my heart longs to be with my children in India. there truly isn't a day that goes by that i don't think about what they are doing, or how they are doing, or when i am going to get to hold them in my arms again. of course, i continue dreaming big about what the future may hold, regarding my role in the mission field, but i truly have no idea what it will look like. i know, though, that i must be obedient in the here and the now...and as difficult as that may be at times, i will continue trusting blindly that the Lord knows far better than i do about what my future holds or what He is calling me to next.

and as i wrap this jumbled mess up, i guess i want to simply remind anyone reading this that God is weaving your story perfectly to impact the lives of the people around you. i never imagined being where i am today, but i am so thankful for the story God has given me to share with everyone i come in contact with. i am overwhelmed with the blessing of being His chosen and His beloved...and may that be what i continue finding joy in for the rest of my life.

2010-06-23T18:30:00.000-07:00

i spent part of my night tonight at one of my dearest friend's houses holding her precious new baby. as i held the little guy in my arms, it was hard for me to believe that he's already here but beyond that, that she's old enough to have a kid. it seems like just yesterday i was standing up with her at her wedding, but i guess that was almost two years ago. but what an opportunity to celebrate joy. and how thankful i am to have journeyed through life with her this far and to be able to share in this with her and her husband as well.

and in the midst of all of that, as i was holding him and talking with her and her husband, i became overwhelmed with God's blessings. not just for new life, but for how good the God i serve is.

the God i serve has brought so many people into my life who have been consistent, supportive, and loving over the years. the God i serve just opened the door for me to go to India and spend time loving on my children there. the God i serve has given me a job (while sometimes stressful) i love. the God i serve has given me a more amazing family than i could ask for. the God i serve has brought an amazing man into my life with whom i will spend the rest of my life with. the God i serve demonstrates his power in the storms going on outside right now. the God i serve transcends distance barriers. the God i serve answers prayers. the God i serve still performs miracles. the God i serve reveals himself through scripture and through children's smiles and laughs. the God i serve brings me encouragement in the most unexpected ways. the God i serve has given me the Holy Spirit to walk with me through my days. the God i serve is intimate. the God i serve is sovereign. the God i serve is loving. the God i serve is unchanging.

i am so thankful.

and i am so blessed.

and i am so humbled.

that the God i serve in the midst of all of his goodness chooses to love a wretch like me.

2010-06-19T10:31:00.000-07:00

well, i've been an epic failure at keeping my blog updated. anyway, down to business.

since my last post, i feel like a lot of changes have continued to occur. such is the theme of life right now, i suppose. currently, i'm at the six week mark until i get married, and i just returned from india on Thursday. going to India meant taking my first vacation from my full time job, and while it was needed, two weeks was a long time to be gone and i have a feeling i'll be playing catch up for quite awhile there.

and in the midst of all the changes, i have been learning a lot about myself and a lot about this stage of life i find myself in. i feel like i've probably mentioned it before, but this stage of life is so uncertain. there are so many unknowns, and for those of you who know me well, know that i hate unknowns. but God has been faithful, and God has been continuing to show up in the times where i am feeling the most frantic. and for that i am forever grateful.

regardless, my time in india this year, proved once again to be nothing short of amazing. it's truly an undescribable feeling in regards to how much i felt at home when i stepped off of the airplane in the Delhi airport. the stares of the Indians we passed as we talked down the streets of Delhi really didn't even seem to bother me as much as they have in the past, bargaining with the shop keepers came naturally (i even talked my way into three free bracelets from a shop for us girls in the south. ha.), and it didn't even take any practice to be comfortable eating with my fingers again.

but the most amazing, undescribable feeling didn't come when i was staring at the taj mahal for the first time in my life, but when i was reunited with my beautiful, beloved children. feeling their fingers on my face, hands intertwined with mine, arms wrapped around my waist, and hearing them all exclaim "elizabeth sister!!" overwhelmed my heart with joy. and seeing my precious little nanthini peek her head around the corner and offer me a sheepish smile is a memory that will be forever etched in my mind and on my heart.

all my children have grown or changed in some way over the course of the last year, but that's expected. and when i told them i was getting married, the excitement was expressed all over their faces, and they asked if we could have a celebration in India. i told them of course, but i didn't have the heart to tell them i don't know when it will be. they asked for me to come back in august, but i told them i was just praying for the Lord to allow me to come back soon. they said they would join me in praying.

my week at the orphanage passed much too quickly, though. and it's hard to believe that literally just three days ago, i was able to hold them on my lap and wrap them in my arms, give them love pinches on their cheeks and laugh with the older girls about the nicknames they gave us american girls.

while i was there, God definitely showed up...as he always does. take for example, when i found out right before bed on saturday night that i would be preaching on sunday morning. God showed up and gave me the words, i believe, he wanted me to share with the children at the orphanage. or take for example when the two little girls were being dropped off at the orphanage by their mother...seeing this was one of the most heartbreaking situations of my life. the littlest one screamed and cried for her mother as the staff member carried her down to the hostel and the mother walked away. the children were from a very poor family and they had no father. the mother was unable to take care of them. as i spent some time observing this little girl, she was very scared and shy at first, but by the end of my time there, i was carrying her in my arms along with her older sister and nanthini and she was smiling. it is my hope and prayer she will continue to thrive in the Christian environment there and that God will become very real to her and her sister as they come from a Hindu family. and not only that, but this little girl was one of the smallest, most malnourished little girls i've ever seen in my life. her legs were not even as big around as my arms and her ribs protruded from her chest. but, how thankful i am for the fact that she will not only be fed physically at the children's home, but also spiritually.

and one of my most favorite moments during my time in India came from a conversation with little Sejola. rebecca and i were sitting in the room of her hostel with her and one other girl and she was telling us about the pictures of jesus in the room. there were two pictures of jesus in the room but Sejola continued to insist there were three Jesus' in the room. she then proceeded to point to the pictures and then to her heart. and i asked her, "Sejola, is the third Jesus in your heart?" and with the biggest smile on her face, Sejola shook her head yes and said "Ama" which is tamil for yes. oh what Joy filled my heart then too.

being back in the states has not been an easy transition this time around...it never is though. i miss my children, i miss the staff, i miss terry, jeeva, and little gerilynn, and i miss Helen. and this time, my best friend is still there for the next four weeks. so i miss her too.

but i am trying my hardest to find peace and joy in being back in the states as i am preparing for one of the biggest changes in my life. and I know that just as God has been faithful in all the little things before in my life that he will continue to be faithful in my life for all of always. and as i am continuing to find peace and joy in this, it is my prayer that God would show me what it looks like to let him have complete control over my life. and to trust that he knows far more of what i need then what i do. it's not an easy journey, but i know, in the end...it will be well worth it, and i will be more of the woman God is calling me to be.

2010-04-15T19:31:00.000-07:00

as i sat in church on Sunday during the sharing time, i kept thinking to myself, if i were to stand up and share something, what would i even say? not because i feel like i have nothing to offer, but partially because there has been so much going on, i'm not sure how people in the church would respond.

would i start off by talking about my little client who talks about how Jesus makes her bad dreams go away? would i keep talking about her and saying, this little girl spent the first six years of her life in a home that was anything but Christian, but because of the foster parent's she's been living with for almost a year now, she knows who Jesus is. and would i stop there? or would i keep talking about her and how she told her parents she was going to pray before she ate her dinner or the next visit where she told them that when she came back to live with them she wanted to go to church?

would i start off by sharing about the foster parents who house this little girl who have not only poured their lives into this little girl but the many other kids who have been placed into their care? and would i say what the foster mom told me when i told her that this little girl prayed before she ate her dinner, when she said, "atleast we're making a difference in the most important part of her life." or would i say that because of my interactions with this foster mom, i want to be one, too.

would i start off by sharing about the indian family i met at a gas station in marion? would i tell them that this family is of the Sikh religion? would i tell them that when they found out i was going to india this summer gave me their family's contact information in case i had any problems while i was in their home country? and then would i be bold enough to say--would you be willing to do the same?

i cannot adequately explain how active the Holy Spirit has been in my life over the course of this year. and i cannot explain how thankful i am for that either. it's so interesting how much differently i feel like i view things, from praying for the seemingly simple things in life, to the convictions i've felt when i learned in my perspective class about how half of a penny out of every dollar is how much funds mission work in completely unreached areas.

all i can really say in the midst of all of this is that i am thankful the Lord has grabbed my heart. and i am continually thankful for the journey that he's continually taking me on despite being a weak vessel.

and with all of that said...i'm going to end this post with a song that completely sums up my heart that makes me smile every time i hear it by Leeland:

"You lived among the least of these, the weary and the weak.

And it would be a tragedy for me to turn away.

All my needs you have supplied. When I was dead, you gave me life.

So how could I not give it away so freely?

I'll follow you into the homes of the broken, follow you into the world.

Meet the needs of the poor and the needy, God, follow you into the world.

Use my hands, use my feet to make your Kingdom come.

To the corners of the earth, until your work is done.

Faith without works is dead, on the cross your blood was shed;

So how could we not give it away so freely?

I'll follow you into the homes of the broken, follow you into the world.

Meet the needs of the poor and the needy, God, follow you into the world.

And I'll give all myself, I'll give all myself, I'll give all myself to you.

I'll follow you into the homes of the broken, follow you into the world.

Meet the needs fo the poor and the needy, God, follow you into the world..."

2010-03-26T20:50:00.000-07:00

over the past few months, i've really tried to work on looking for ways the Holy Spirit is moving when i am at work. you see, the reality of it is, i can't talk about my faith with my clients unless they bring it up, and even then, i can't push it on them. however, i firmly believe that the work that i am doing is my "mission field" for the time being. so it's been quite the challenge to see how those two things can tie together.

regardless, my prayer has been that the Lord would give me opportunities to witness to my client's, and if i'm not going to be able to use words, i pray that the Lord would allow me to be a light in the darkness to my client's. and it's quite interesting to see the ways he has answered my prayers...

one of my client's noticed my purse sitting on the floor of my car and complimented me on it, and i told her thanks and that my dad got it for me from Thailand. our conversation continued and she asked what my dad did, and i was able to tell her that essentially my dad was a missionary. she then proceeded to tell me about how she might start going to a church and that the pastor had come to meet her at her house when she was visiting with her children so he was going to come back. i told her that it might be a good change for her and that she would hopefully find a support system there for her and her children when she gets them back.

and another one of my client's was talking to me about going to church and that they were learning about the end times at her church. i asked her what they were teaching on the end times and she proceeded to talk to me about how the earthquakes and stuff happening around the world are signs that the end times are coming. i asked her what else they had taught her would happen before Jesus came back and she told me some other things, but my heart broke because she didn't understand that before Jesus can come back every tribe, tongue, and nation has to hear the Gospel. it was during this conversation that i took the opportunity to pray that the Lord would give her a deeper sense of understanding of how long, wide, and deep his love is for her and all the people who haven't even heard of him.

and yet one of my favorite opportunities the Lord has given me when i think about how the Lord has answered this prayer is with my precious seven year old. as i was driving this little girl back to her foster home after a visit, i had the radio on and she exclaimed from the backseat that she knew that song from church. i asked her if she enjoyed church and she told me that she did, and that she enjoyed singing songs. a few visits later, this same little girl and i were talking about how she had gotten her tantrums and accidents that she had been having to stop and she told me that she "prayed to Jesus." And when i asked her what she said to Jesus, she replied with complete, childlike faith, "I just asked him to make them stop, and he did!!" and then today, when i saw her, she told me that she didn't have to pray to Jesus anymore because he had made her bad dreams stop, but then went on to say that she knew if she didn't pray she was going to go to the "bad place, down there." and in the simplest terms i could put it, i told her that she could talk to Jesus anytime she wanted even if she wasn't having bad dreams. she could talk to Jesus if she wanted even when she was having good dreams. and i could see her smile in my rearview mirror. and then, i asked her if she knew what she needed to do so that she didn't go to the "bad place", and she told me that she needed to be good. and i simply looked at her and smiled, and said, "you know sweetheart, it makes Jesus very happy when you listen to people who you know you're suppose to and you have good behavior, but that isn't how you get to heaven. you get to heaven by asking Jesus to live in your heart." it was then that her eyes lit up, and she said, "well that's where He already lives!!"

what a privilege it is to be in the line of work i am in. what a privilege it is to become so involved in people's lives even when it's frustrating. and what a privilege it is to be entrusted with so much.

there are opportunities all around us to witness and speak truth into people's lives.

if you would have asked me if i would have thought God would answer my prayer in the way that he has, i guarantee you i would have told you no. but not only has he given me the opportunities mentioned above, he's given me opportunities to share with many of my client's that i'm saving myself for marriage, that i will not move in with my fiance before we get married, that i don't drink, that i don't smoke, and that i enjoy my life to the full. and you wouldn't believe how many of them don't believe me and often will argue with me that i'm lying to them. but all i can do is trust that eventually they will come to the realization that i would never lie to them about that.

i'm so thankful i serve such a faithful God who chooses to use me time and time again despite my inadequacies. and while i have no idea the impact i'm having on the majority of my client's, i'm beyond thankful i can entrust them back to the Lord's care and know that they are safe in his hands.

2010-03-22T12:45:00.000-07:00

isn't it simply wonderful how the Lord breaks us of our selfishness to show us that his plans are far bigger and better than what we can imagine?

ashamedly i must admit that God broke me of my selfishness last week over an area that i never, not even in my wildest imagination, pictured myself being selfish in.

you see, God had opened the door for me to go back to india for a period of time time summer, but suffice it to say, i was trying to work off of my own agenda, and ended up coming up with just about every excuse in the book to not go. and then God reminded me of my prayer: "God, if this is not what you want for me to do this summer, please just shut the door." and as i look back on it, i can see that it was me who was trying to shut the door because i know how heart breaking it's going to be to only be at the orphanage for a few days rather than a month or six weeks. but the thought of holding Nanthini in my arms as she jabbers to me in tamil, and hearing sweet Sathitya's laugh, and seeing Abirami's, Jeyabala's, Perimila's, Soundarya's, Rathika's, Saranya's, Sasi Kala's smiles reminded me of why my heart is where it is.

so with all of that to say...i'm looking forward to this unexpected, yet perfect detour. and what a blessing to know that there is no better place than in the Will and Hand of the one i call Abba.

2010-02-21T09:58:00.000-08:00

one year ago today, my life was altered. the man who has impacted my life the most, other than my dad, went home to be with the Lord. and it's still interesting to me that he had that much of an impact on my life when i only spent six weeks with him.

Johnson truly taught me so much about sacrifice and what leaving a legacy can look like. this man was in line to become a Bishop in India. a Bishop in India is a rather large deal...but he gave this up to start the orphanage where i have spent the last two summers. he started off the orphanage on a dirt floor under a thatched roof with just a few kids who were in need. he shared multiple times that snakes fell from ceiling and all kinds of heart wrenching stories that involved kids that came to live with him and his wife as this newly founded children's home.

but Johnson shared more than his stories with me. Johnson shared his heart. Johnson shared his heart with me by the stories he shared, the jokes he cracked, the way he protected me from the lizards and other various insects, through his example of studying the Word every morning, through him singing different hymns, the way he loved the children at the orphanage, through his willingness to laugh with me, and by the way he loved me.

it still absolutely breaks my heart to know that Johnson, my beloved Thattha, is no longer here on the earth. it breaks my heart to know that he won't be at my wedding, and it breaks my heart that he isn't there with the children every day.

but i continue to be thankful for the impact Johnson had on my life and so many others throughout the course of his lifetime. Johnson allowed the Lord to take him as an ordinary man and mold him into an extraordinary man who lived a life of sacrifice, obedience, faithfulness, patience, gentleness, and love.

what an example.

what a privilege to have known him.

what a blessing it will be to be able to tell my children stories about him someday.

what an honor to have been impacted by him.

and what a joyful reunification it will be when we are walking on the streets of gold together, laughing at his jokes as his belly jiggles, sipping on indian coffee while eating biscuits, and worshipping our Lord and Savior.

and i say that, because i, too, have faith that he and i will meet again.

2010-02-13T12:13:00.000-08:00

as i sit in my living room this afternoon, i am thankful for the reality that my laundry is in the washing machine, my room is semi clean, and i have a moment to breathe. it's the simple things that i'm continuing to learn to appreciate.

life over the past month and a half has flown by. i can hardly believe that february is half over. and i feel like some big things have happened.

on january 8th, daniel asked for my hand in marriage. and it really couldn't have been more perfect. although he made me tromp through the snow and my feet got really wet and cold, being by the lake with snow starting to fall and him asking me to marry him couldn't have been more perfect. and he even arranged for my best friend to be waiting for me at my house when we returned.

and now the wedding date has been set, july 31, and plans have begun to fall in place. amidst the wedding planning though, i've also started taking a class called perspectives on the world christian movement on tuesday nights, carrying a full caseload with my job, continuing to learn how to balance friends, family, and my now fiance, and feel like i'm in the process of learning so much.

this class that i am taking on tuesday nights i've been hearing about since i was in high school since it's the class that completely transformed my dad's thinking and what opened the door for him to become involved in mission work. the past four classes have continued to develop my passion for mission work and have really challenged my thinking about why missions exist.

beyond missions existing because it's a mandate that has come from Christ, we've talked in class about how missions exists because worship doesn't. and if you think about it, it's so true. mission work exists because the ultimate goal is for every tribe, tongue, and nation to hear the gospel so that they can worship the one true God.

in our culture i think it's so easy to get away from the fact of worshipping Christ and remembering that everything we do should bring God glory. because that's what life is all about; glorifying Christ.

and as i've had to face these truths i've really struggled with how i am doing that in my work place and with my clients. i go to people's houses, i listen to their stories, i teach them skills they can use to equip them to live better lives (or so i hope), and i play a rather active role in their lives for a period of time. and that so much resembles Jesus's ministry when he was living. He went to people, he mentored people, he taught people, and he played a rather active role in people's lives physically when he was living.

but i've struggled with how i can show Christ better to my clients. i've struggled with how my life looks different than other non-christians around me. i've struggled with trying to figure out if people can see a difference in me and if they can't, what i need to do different. i've struggled with knowing that i haven't verbally shared the Gospel with someone in quite some time even though i guarantee i see people on a daily basis who aren't Christians. and i'm still trying to process through how to handle all of that.

my best friend and i are reading through a book right now by Francis Chan. it's called Forgotten God. and it's been a book that has completely transformed my thinking, and if i'm allowed to speak for her, i would say hers too. but this book is all about the Holy Spirit and about how as Christians we tend to forget of how active of a part He plays in our lives.

so as we've been reading through this book we've engaged in many conversations about how we want our lives to exemplify we have the Holy Spirit living within us and how we're on a journey to understand more of what that looks like. and how this intentionality of discovering Him doesn't happen over night, but that the journey will be well worth it.

and that's the journey i'm on right now. because, i think that if i can come to an understanding of what it looks like to be more sensitive to the Holy Spirit, i will bring God more glory with hopes of playing just a little part of expanding His Kingdom if He chooses to use me in that manner.

2009-12-29T07:42:00.000-08:00

23 years; 23 things that bring me joy:

(in no particular order...)

1. my children in India

2. sunrises & sunsets.

3. morning drives to work.

4. more than 7 hours of sleep.

5. my relationship with the Lord.

6. my job and the opportunities it gives me to love others well.

7. my best friend.

8. finding joy in reading and other simple things.

9. being organized.

10. laughter.

11. children.

12. my years at All Ages II.

13. my family.

14. real, honest, and vulnerable conversations.

15. learning and growing.

16. speaking truth and truth spoken.

17. seeing transformations taking place in people's lives.

18. daniel.

19. my years in college.

20. being able to share my heart for the lost, lonely, broken, unsaved, and hurting with others.

21. smiles.

22. having a superior memory.

23. life and all that is to come with it.

2009-12-24T08:53:00.001-08:00

as i sit in my living room on this Christmas Eve morning, basking in not having to go to work, sipping on a cup of coffee, and watching the pictures of my beautiful children in India scroll by on my computer screen, i've come to the conclusion that there really are no words to describe the array of emotions whirling around in my mind and heart.

reflecting on this past year there have been so many blessings, challenges, joys, and trials that have occurred in my life, and as i think back on all of them during this Christmas season i am overwhelmed with how sovereign, gracious, perfect, patient, loving, powerful, and holy my God is--the same God who started his life born in a stable, sleeping in a manger.

(perhaps this post is coming about a week early, and should have been a post for the new year...but no matter...)

these last twelve months have literally flown by. last year at this time, i was on Christmas break from school and knew i had a few more weeks of freedom after Christmas to just relax. i hadn't even started my internship, the place where i am now employed full time. while i knew graduation was imminent, it seemed far off in the distance; but it came quicker than anticipated. i had no idea what i was going to do with my life, where i was going to find a job, where i was going to be living, and i hated the unknown. but before i knew it, i was sitting on an airplane, flying halfway around the world to the country where a large part of my heart continues to remain. my time there proved to be life-changing once again, but it wasn't long enough. i can still feel the sting of the tears that formed in my eyes when i had to say "see you later" to the children and staff at the orphanage, because saying good-bye just wasn't an option. my sister's wedding soon followed my arrival back in the states, as did my best friend returning to my Alma matter. and soon after that, i began coaching my team of 8th grade girls in volleyball which allowed me to spend quality time with my beautiful cousin who is amazing at the sport that was so dear to my heart during my junior high and high school years. (and i don't just say that because she's my cousin either). and during volleyball season, i took on a full time position at the place i had my internship working with families and children; my dream job out of college. and the past three months is full of a myriad of activities that still consists of balancing time between working full time, spending time with friends and family, sleeping, and trying to learn how to take care of myself.

it seems like all the changes that took place over the last twelve months are almost too much to have happened in one year, but i have a feeling that it's only the beginning of being an adult. and even though a lot of the changes that took place were hard, i can't even begin to describe how much i have learned.

and as much as all of the changes just mentioned were mainly good, this year, like i said, didn't come without trials or challenges. after christmas and up until february 21st, i went through the process of knowing i was going to lose a man very near and dear to my heart. and as everyone who reads my blog is aware, my thattha passed away on february 21st. i miss him dearly still to this day, and am reminded at this Christmas season how much of an impact he has had on my life. and while graduation was the ending of a chapter in my life that had to be finished, leaving the place i had come to call home over the past four years also didn't come without tears. and there are so many other things that i have to had to learn from and work through--such as heart wrenching client stories, experiencing empathy on a different level, dealing with other people's jealousy, and the list could continue.

but i am thankful for the way the Lord protected me, loved me well, and held me tight when the tears wouldn't stop. and i am thankful He trusts me to handle the things he hands to me more than i trust myself.

what a blessing it has been to walk through this year with Him hand in hand, and to let him perfectly ordain my steps. and i am sure...that next year at this time, there will be just as many changes that have occurred in my life, and for that, i am grateful.

but, until then, be blessed and bless God. remember to keep Christ in Christmas, and to seek how you can fully make this Christmas a full worship experience.

2009-12-14T07:44:00.000-08:00

it's always a good indication when i sigh heavily before clicking the "new entry" button for a new post that i'm overdue for a posting.

regardless. these past few weeks have continued to be filled with work, friends, family, boyfriend, and sleep where i can fit it in. i just managed to start my Christmas shopping on saturday and feel like my next three weekends are already overflowing with things that i am suppose to be at and with things i need to do, but somehow, it will all get done. it always does. not going to lie though, sometimes i wish i was about seven again around this Christmas season so that i could just bask in the Christmas traditions and the spirit of Christmas without the stress. i think i've just decided to make my goal this week to not stress out about anything in regards to Christmas--no stress about gifts, no stress about making time for all the get togethers, and no stress about money. and, i'm going to figure out how i can worship more fully during this too. (and this i part of the reason i blog, to process through things to come up with goals like that!)

also, over the past few weeks, i'd be lying if i said my heart didn't long for India. i think that around Christmastime every year will probably be harder than other times of the year, because i think everyone can relate to wanting to be with their families at Christmas and since the children, staff, and helen are considered my family, i want to be with them. i can't imagine a more perfect Christmas than to share that day with them; to be able to laugh with the children all day, to sing songs, to eat with them, and to know at the end of the day i've given them all they really want for Christmas...love. And that they, too, have given me all i really want for Christmas...love.

my heart has been leaping at the thought of going back to India this summer, even if it's just for a week to ten days. who knows if it's a possibility or if anything will come to fruition, but in the worst way, i want it to. i even am longing to feel sticky and sweaty after playing with the children on a hot day, to see the lizards on the wall, to eat with my fingers, to wear skirts, and so many other things. my passion for the hurt and lost and lonely overseas was rekindled over the last few weeks when i realized that i essentially had been supressing it since i know that now that is not where i am suppose to be. it seemed easier for the last few months to not think about how much my heart longs to be overseas...but as i've allowed myself to admit to other people how much i want to be overseas my joy has been restored. and as i've allowed myself to dream what it can look like in a few years, i can't wait for the Lord to reveal it to me. perhaps it might consist of living in huts in a village...who knows what God has in store. but it makes me smile to think about.

in the mean time, though, i'm going to continue striving to love on the hurt, lost, and lonely i come across each and every day in my job...and trust that this is just part of God's plan in my life story of expanding His Kingdom.

2009-11-19T06:27:00.000-08:00

every morning as i drive to work, i pass a church on the left hand side of the road right past an elementary school. i've read the faded sign a few times and from what i can recall it says "homeland mission". the reason this sticks out in my mind so vividly is not because the sign is faded or because the church is beautiful, in fact, the only side i see as i'm driving in is the backside, but what causes this to stick out to me is the line of people that are outside the doors every morning. i, obviously, haven't gotten a good look at any of their faces to know if they frequent there often, but i've noticed the numbers vary as well as the ages of the people. and as i drive past these people every morning, i think to myself, "what are these people's stories? why are they where they are?" and as i keep driving past, i often will utter a simple sentence or two prayer, "Lord, would you meet these people where they are at? be their comfort in whatever their situation may be." in all reality, i probably will never hear these people's stories...i will probably never hear why they are where they are, but i am thankful for the opportunity i've been given to pray for them as i drive past every morning, and i will continue to be thankful for it in all the days to come.

regardless, life continues flying by. i can hardly believe that thanksgiving is next week, and that means that christmas is right around the corner. it's also hard for me to believe that i've been working for almost two months now; i suppose that's a good thing, though, knowing that it's gone by so quickly and i still enjoy coming to work every day, even though i always wish i could sleep just a little bit more.

and as life continues flying by, change seems to continue to be the common theme. maybe not change so much, maybe adapting would be a better word to describe where i'm at in life?

i remember when i was in college and living by my day planner...it seemed that every hour of every day was scheduled, between classes, meetings, dinner, lunch, and coffee dates with friends, and everything else that fell in between. and, if i'm being completely honest, even though i was queen of making everything fit into a day, i had to learn what it meant to slow down and not make myself so busy. and that wasn't something i learned on my own, by any means, but something that many people would come to me and say, "you are doing too much, you can't do this, slow down, take care of yourself." sometimes i would laugh, other times i would get mad because i knew they were right, but no matter, i learned by the time i graduated what it looked like to be able to have things scheduled but still be able to be spontaneous.

and now that i am working full time, i kind of feel like i'm a freshman or sophomore in college again having to relearn what it looks like to balance time. And not only do i feel like i am having to relearn how to balance time but i feel like i'm having to relearn what it means to be spontaneous. i've said multiple times to my closest friends, "i feel stretched too thin..."

and it's not anyone's fault that i feel stretched too thin, it's a matter of the fact that i don't feel like there is enough time in one day to do all the things i want to do nor is there enough time in one day to do all the things i want to do. while my schedule with work is fairly flexible, the reality that i'm still working on average 8-9 hours a day remains. so, 8-9 hours at work, 1 hour commute (30 minutes each way), 1 hour to get ready in the morning, that alone right there takes up 10-11 hours. and then the next biggest part of my day would be sleeping which usually amounts to 7 hours. so 17-18 hours of my day is accounted for basically no matter what. and that leaves 6-7 hours a day...which may kind of seem like a lot, but i've come to learn very quickly that it isn't. 6-7 hours does not give me enough time for me to see all the friends i want to see, have the quality time i want to have with my parents, stay caught up with friends who don't live around here, spend time with the Lord, or really put the kind of effort i'm used to exerting on anything else. and i hate it.

you know the analogy about the jar and putting the rocks in first, and then the ping pong balls, and then the pebbles, and then the sand everything will fit in? well, i'm not entirely sure i believe that analogy as much anymore. at this point, i feel like the most important things have been put in my jar, and then the next most important things have come in after, and so on, but i feel like the sand still won't fit and it's over flowing. and i hate that feeling.

i hate the feeling that i have that i can't put more effort into my friendships and that people aren't getting the time they need or deserve, and i hate that i haven't been able to figure out how to fix it. i'm sure in time i'll figure it out or in time it will work itself out and it won't be as big of a deal as it is now, but it's just such an adjustment in the present moment.

and as i'm trying to figure all of THAT out, i feel like i'm also trying to figure out what it looks like to make sure God doesn't just get my leftovers, because that's so easy to do. it's so easy to crawl into bed at night and read my Bible because i feel obligated and to read it so i can check off my daily reading. but, that's not what reading my Bible is supposed to be about. reading my Bible is supposed to be about letting the Lord communicate with me through it and learning what it means to become more like my Savior. and how in the world is that supposed to happen when my goal is to just "get it done" so i can set my Bible back on my nightstand, turn off my light, send a few last minute text messages, and fall asleep? well it doesn't happen, i will be the first to attest to that...

needless to say, my eyes have been opened a lot in this past week of changes that need to be made, and it's not necessarily the easiest thing to do. worth it in the end? i believe so, absolutely. but for the time being, there are some bumps in the road that are making it difficult to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

life continues to amaze me, and i am so thankful for the journey i'm on and have been on. there's never a dull moment, but even if there was, i don't think i would be content with it. so for now, i'll continue to choose to find joy in the times that don't seem to be the most joyful, and i'll continue to try to discover what all the Lord is teaching me in the midst of the craziness occuring around me.

what a privilege it is to be His chosen and His beloved, even though He knows all of my imperfections, insecurities, and inadequacies...

2009-10-14T10:04:00.001-07:00

change seems to be the theme of my life right now. it's not necessarily a bad thing, because i know that in and of itself change is inevitable, but change isn't always easy. at least i'm not the biggest fan of it.

let's see...besides not going back to school this august, there have been a plethora of other changes taking place. i started coaching 8th grade volleyball...i started working full time...i started going to bed earlier...i started drinking coffee every morning...i started to enjoy the drive from wabash to marion in the mornings...i even started appreciating seeing part of the sunrise...i started appreciating spontaneous outtings moreso than ever...i started understanding what it really means to live for the weekends...and did i mention i even started dating someone? (and he's pretty great :) ha.)

but some things haven't changed...most of the things being things i miss; i miss my indian family...i miss mornings in mcconn...i miss random late night chats with friends who just live down the hall...i miss lunch, coffee, and dinner dates...i miss covenant with my fellow RAs...i miss the community at iwu...i miss sleepovers...i miss chapel...i miss being in close proxemity each and every day to my best friend and the list could continue.

but i'm learning to love living in the real world. i truly am blessed beyond all measure. my full time job is actually at the place i had my internship second semester of my senior year at iwu; i came into the job familiar with the program and actually familiar with many of the clients. i work with an amazing group of people, and i rarely leave the office without having a story to share. some days are harder than others depending on the encounters of the day, but i've learned that there always seems to be some hope hidden somewhere in seemingly hopeless situations. and i'm sure that there are going to be many, many more lessons to learn like that in the days ahead.

regardless, now that the brief update on my life is complete, i've had a thought stirring around in my head for quite sometime now. and i'm not entirely sure where it came from or where i saw this at, but i definitely don't take credit for it. so here i go...

you know how when people sign cards, emails, or letters, "God Bless"? I've always thought that was a nice way to sign something when the person didn't know what else to say...maybe it was too formal to write "love" or maybe they wanted to prove the point that they were actually Christians, but awhile ago, i saw someone sign something "Bless God".

interesting concept, really.

as i sat there and pondered on it for awhile, i was though to myself, "hm, it's just like us being selfish humans to ask for God to bless us." and i don't necessarily think that it's always a bad thing, because i think God does want to bless us, but i think that sometimes we forget the importance of blessing God. going about our day, i think, we are often looking for the little blessings God brings acrossed our paths. like a beautiful sunrise, the leaves changing colors, a hug from a dear friend, etc. etc. but how often do we take the time to stop and think, "what can i do to bless God today? what can i do to be a blessing to others for God today; to show others his love and to be his hands and feet?"

so as i end this, i'm going to go ahead and end it with the words that have challenged my thinking more so than i ever could have imagined.

Bless God, today, my friends...Bless God.

2009-08-31T09:40:00.000-07:00

this morning started out like any other typical morning for me as of lately. i got up, read the news, checked my email, and checked facebook. eventually, i turned the tv on and flipped through the channels. i noticed that "adoption stories" was going to come on in about 15 minutes and read the information to decide whether or not i wanted to watch it. as my eyes read over the words, i saw that the couple was going to be adopting a child from guatemala and decided that i love hearing people's stories about international adoptions.

so the show started, and i was multitasking planning volleyball practice for today. but it wasn't long before i heard someone on the show say the boy this couple was preparing to adopt was from india. immediately, i was complete engrossed in the tv. as i watched this family's story unfold, i couldn't help but think back to my summer with my children at the orphanage. and then, this family's little boy in india got very sick; they dropped everything and went to india immediately.

that is about the time that i began to cry. because at this point, i was already comparing the orphanage they were adopting this little boy from to the orphanage i have been at for the past two summers, and then i began to think about when my kids at the orphanage get sick. when my kids at the orphanage get sick, there really is no way for me to know how they are doing. and as much as i hate to say it, i'm not at a place where i can drop everything and fly there to be with them. would i? absolutely, in a heartbeat. but i can't, and i hate it.

as the show ended, my tears dried up, and i wished in the worst way that i knew the couple who had been on the show so that i could rejoice with them for their new addition to their family. and i wished that i knew them so i could share with them my love for india and the children living there.

regardless, all that to say, i was reminded unexpectedly today of my love for india. and although my ankle bracelets from there haven't come off my ankles and still jingle every time i walk, it's not the same as being there. but i must continue on my journey through life.

speaking of journey through life...that's a whole other subject. i was having a conversation with a friend the other day, and i might have had this conversation with multiple friends by this point, but i kind of described to her how i was feeling with this book analogy: i feel like college was a huge section of my life, each year being a different chapter. and each chapter in itself filled with a huge number of memories and wonderful things. while there were different hard things about every year, those chapters of my life are by far my favorite of the story of my life thus far. i walked away from my college career as a completely different person. as someone who has learned to balance people's needs and her needs, someone who has chosen to find joy in the smallest of things, someone who appreciates heart to heart conversations moreso than most, someone who doesn't hesitate to speak up in regards to her opinion, and someone who has the best friends ever. there are so many other things that changed over those four years, but one of the most important things that happened was that i learned what an intimate relationship with Christ can be like.

and now that i'm not going back, i'm starting another section of my life. however, i don't have the chapter titles for this section of life yet. and quite honestly, i feel like my pages are not even being filled with anything. there are so many unknowns, and i hate the unknown. i'm trying to learn to appreciate it and to enjoy the journey that the Lord is taking me on, but remembering that day by day is difficult.

all of that said...i'm looking forward to the day when i feel like the chapters of this section of my life are being filled like the chapters of my college life were filled.

but for now, i suppose this "unknown" chapter of my life is being filled with stories that i will look back on in a few weeks, months, or even years and appreciate. and that's when i'll say, "oh yeah, that's what God was doing."

oh what a journey!

2009-08-22T10:56:00.000-07:00

i had coffee with a dear friend yesterday morning. we sat outside of starbucks eating our scones and drinking our cups of coffee, chatting with each other for awhile and then with two other people we knew, but when they left the table, she said to me, "tell me more about india."

i began sharing stories with her about how i grew closer to Helen this year than last, and how it helped in the healing process of losing Johnson, i told her how Helen took Rebecca and i to Johnson's grave and it was a year to the day that i had said good-bye to him at the airport when i stood at his grave, i shared with her our adventures on the train with the cockroaches, i told her how much i loved the children and how much harder it was to leave this year after getting closer with the staff and the children, i talked to her about how real the spiritual battle is there, and how we are so sheltered from it here, i talked to her about how Satan may manifest himself in evil spirits in India, but in here in the states it just looks different.

it was refreshing to tell stories about how the Lord worked, and it was refreshing to tell stories to someone who seemed to understand my heart.

but as i pulled away from starbucks, i began thinking of a conversation that we had with one of the men in India who founded an orphanage. we began asking him about hinduism and why people worship the different gods they worship...immediately, he pulled out his bible and opened it to Romans 1:21-23: "Yes, they knew God, but they wouldn't worship him as God or even give him thanks. And they began to think up foolish ideas of what God was like. As a result, their minds became dark and confused. Claiming to be wise, they instead because utter fools. And instead of worshiping the glorious, ever-living God, they worshiped idols made to look like mere people and birds and animals and reptiles."

now i can't tell you how many times i have read Romans...but i can tell you that i had never understood those verses as much as i do now after he shared them with us. these verses describe hinduism better than i can even after living in india for multiple weeks. the people who are hindus are lost...their minds are dark and confused. and they do, indeed, worship idols made to look like people, birds, animals, and reptiles.

i think the whole concept of people being lost in hinduism became more real to me when our team was praying over unreached villages in the mountains of mussoorie or when we drove past a hindu temple and i saw a small girl standing in front of it being instructed how to worship. and the concept of hinduism became real to me when i heard people's testimonies who had made sacrifices to their gods in order to protect their family but are now Christians.

but even though this all seems more real to me now, the questions continue to cloud my mind, "well, what do i do now? what do i do halfway around the world? what can i do and how can i make a difference?"

i'm sure i'll never have all the answers to this, but i know that the Lord has chosen to give me a heart that is burdened for people who are lost in hinduism and other religions for a reason. and although i may not be living among the in India, i do know that the foothold i saw Satan have on the people in India who are lost in hinduism is just as real as the foothold Satan has on people here in the states. so for now, i guess, all i can do is pray for the Lord to uncloud people's vision and to trust that He will guide my steps in making a difference in people's lives who are lost.

2009-08-18T08:19:00.000-07:00

it's hard to believe that i left India a month ago. i still hate the reality that i'm in the states and unable to hold my children whenever i want, but i know and am continually reminded that it's not my time to be there long term.

regardless, i met with the board of directors for the orphanage on sunday night. it was wonderful to be able to reconnect with them and share what Rebecca and i did while we were in India. but at the same time it was difficult being with people who understand how special of a place that is because it just made it all the harder for me. i was able to tell the board stories of our time with the staff, the children, with helen, with terry and jeeva, and the new baby, and so many other things. and right as i was finishing up sharing, i said to them, "on one of our last nights at the orphanage we met with the indian board, and they just kept thanking us over and over for what he had been doing and for giving our time to come. and then one of the men said to me, 'you come here and you give our children heaven for the time that you are here.'" i went on to say to the board, "and you know, that's exactly what the children, the staff, and everyone at the orphanage gave to us while we were there. heaven."

as painful as it is to not be able to be with them, i wouldn't trade my time there for anything. it's hard to explain to people that i have a family halfway around the world that doesn't speak the same language as me or look the same as me, but the reality of it is, they are my family. and they always will be my family. and for that i am forever grateful.

in other news, my sister got married on friday and i am just beginning my eighth grade volleyball season as a coach. i'm not going to lie, this is not at all where i pictured myself being. i always told myself no one could make me go back to my high school and there wasn't enough money in the world that could bribe me to go back, and here i am, willingly going in every day to coach. i guess when i said that no one could make me go back, i forgot that God's plans are always bigger. and in the mean time, i'm still waiting to find out what i'm going to be doing full time. God sure has been teaching me a lot about patience and trust, and those are two lessons that are never easy to have to learn and relearn over and over again. but as i have been trying to understand what He is trying to teach me with those two things, i am learning i often don't figure out the lessons fully until i'm on the other side of them.

it's kind of like Proverbs 20:24 says, "The Lord directs our steps so why try to understand everything along the way?" i think it's safe to say that that verse has been the theme verse for my life over the past few weeks. i don't understand a lot of what is going on, and i wish a lot of things were different...but i have also come to realize that it's a waste of my time and energy to try to understand EVERYTHING that is going on.

one day i'll understand things, it may not be until i get to heaven, but one day, i will understand. and in the mean time, i will continue trusting and being thankful that when i get too weary to walk along the path the Lord has laid out for me that He will be there to carry me.

2009-07-30T19:53:00.000-07:00

you know, it's interesting. this whole transition back to the states this year has been much different than last. last year, i flew straight to california for my cousin's wedding, and this year, i've been home. slightly under the weather and overly tired. and last year, once i got home from my cousin's wedding, i had about three weeks and then i headed back to iwu. and this year...well, there will be no returning to iwu.

i talked to my roommate last night on the phone (and although we don't live together anymore, i think i will probably always consider her my roommate), and we shared with each other how difficult it is not going back to school this fall. for her, she's not going back to the comforts of preseason and then the next three or so months of soccer season. and for me, i'm not going back to RA training and a year full of coffee dates and dinner dates with friends who are within walking distance.

i'm not quite sure how to describe how i feel about not going back to school except...overwhelmed. the reality of getting a big kid job can be avoided no longer, and i know soon i'm going to be working full time unable to sleep in as long as i want and unable to up and go to india for 7 weeks whenever i want as well. there's so much change happening, and once again, i've realized that no matter what you do in your life, nothing can really prepare you for this stage. at least, i haven't figured out what i could have done to prepare myself better.

but in thinking about all of this, i've realized that i am blessed. blessed beyond all measure. and actually, it brings tears to my eyes thinking about. you see, my prayer for when i went to college was that it would be all that i had hoped for it to be and more. and that prayer was answered in ways i can't even explain...those four years were the best four years of my life thus far. and as difficult it is for me to not go back, i wouldn't want it any other way...because i think that is just a beginning description of how amazing my time at iwu was.

and another one of my prayers was that the Lord would provide me with friends who would be friends for life. and i think that prayer has been answered beyond what i expected...is it difficult to think that my friends are not going to be at iwu this year? absolutely. and is it difficult knowing that i won't be at iwu with the ones who still have a year or so to finish up? yep...but do i know and trust that because our friendships are rooted and established in Christ that we will still stay in touch. absolutely.

there's so much change that is to come in the next few weeks and months, and i will be the first to tell you that i'm apprehensive. i mean really, who likes the unknown? but will i make it through? absolutely...and i say absolutely with confidence. because i know that i serve a God who has perfectly ordained my steps and who cares even about the smallest details in my life.

so as this transition back from the place where i left so much of my heart continues, it doesn't continue without tears...but in the midst of the tears, i am thankful. i am thankful i am a girl on a journey to draw closer to my Abba and that i don't have to go through any of this alone.

2009-07-28T08:10:00.001-07:00

well. i've been back from India for a week now...and it doesn't seem possible. not a day goes by that i don't wish i was back at the orphanage holding the little girls in my arms, laughing with them, and even being tickled by them. i miss watching them slide down the slide and swing on the two swings that they have, and i miss them even crawling up my arm to get their treasured fruit off the trees.

i'm not sure i have words to adequately describe all that happened while i was in india this year. i learned so much on so many different levels, and it was just as difficult for me to leave this year as it was last. eventually, and hopefully soon, i'll be able to put words to some of the many stories, but for now, we'll just leave it at the fact that i wish i had enough money to buy a plane ticket to go back...

2009-06-17T08:42:00.001-07:00

it's been a crazy ride, thus far. and i'm not expecting it to get any less crazy, either. the days have been long, but time is flying.

i really don't have much time at all to update this, but, i figured i should at least write something.

tomorrow the journey starts to the orphanage. quite a few mixed emotions are going into that...while i am so very excited to see the children, knowing that reality is going to hit that Johnson is gone is not going to be easy.

but, God has been faithful this far and He will continue being faithful in all of the days that lie ahead.

anyway, until i have time to put a full update here, know that i am thankful for all of you who read this. be blessed today...

2009-06-02T21:20:00.000-07:00

well, i would like to say that all my bags are packed and i'm ready to go, but. ha. i mean really, who would expect anything less of me when it comes to situations like this?! regardless. things conitnue coming together, and it's amazing.

it's still so surreal to me how quickly the time has gone. but i suppose reality can't be avoided as i sit on the plane tomorrow preparing to fly halfway around the world. there are so many things i'm scared of, so many things i'm excited for, so many things i'm ready to experience again, so many things i'm simply joyful about, so many things i'm not looking forward to, and so many other things in between.

you know, as much as i am not necessarily looking forward to teaching for various reasons, i have learned so much while preparing for them. i've typed 60+ pages of what we're going to be teaching all from scratch, and while at times it has been tedious, i've been forced to look at scripture more in depth.

who really knew that David didn't kill Goliath with the stone he slung at him from his sling? i mean that is what they teach in all the sunday school classes...but if you look closely at the scripture, it says that David killed Goliath with Goliath's own sword. David only knocked Goliath out with his stone. and how many people realize how intimate David's relationship with God was...and look at that through the Psalms? what about the parable about the Vine and it's branches?

there is so much buried in scripture just waiting for us to study and uncover to help us come to a better understand of how big of God we serve and how much He desires to have an intimate relationship with us.

anyway. i'll get off my soapbox for now. like i said, i probably should be packing, but...in the mean time, please know for those of you who read this, your prayers truly are coveted. and know in the mean time, that i'll be praying for all of you as well.

how beautiful are the feet of those who bring Good News, but let us not forget how beautiful the Body of Christ is as well.

Be blessed today, my friends, be blessed.

2009-05-31T21:45:00.000-07:00

time has flown by. seriously. i feel like i was at graduation and i blinked and now i leave for india in less than 72 hours. it's so unreal.

i finally started packing today, and by starting to pack, i mean i finally went to wal-mart and bought the things i needed to take with me and threw it in my bag. i'm sure i'll have to unpack and repack. oh the joys.

in the midst of everything though, the lessons for teaching have been coming together. five of them are done, two of them have been started, and the last one...well, i think we might just do an outline and call it quits. it's going to be review so that can't be too hard, right? well, at least that's what i'm going to keep telling myself.

the unfortunate news, for me, though, is, i went to visit my cousin out at the campground today to play with him a little before i leave the country for seven weeks, or as they described it to him, "go on a really long vacation". (not sure that what i'll be doing can be classified as a vacation, but if you are a two and a half year old, i think it would make more sense that way). anyway, my uncle came riding up on a horse and asked if i wanted to ride. of course i said yes, and jumped up in the horse's saddle. (literally, i had to jump, b/c the horse was so tall and my legs are so short...it just wasn't a good combination) anyway, my uncle claimed that we would go for a "short ride" and i said ok, and we were off. next thing i know, it's almost an hour later when we arrive back at the camp site. i didn't think much of it because i enjoyed riding through the woods and whatnot, but let me just tell you. bouncing in a saddle for an hour and now thinking about sitting in a plane for fourteen hours...oh dear. i might have to buy a pillow for that...

but in all seriousness. i am so excited to see what the Lord has in store on this trip. there has been some pretty intense opposition already, and while that's frustrating and discouraging in the moments, it's encouraging to know that it's the Evil One at work because he doesn't want this trip to happen. so i will continue to put on the full armor of God and stand firm in his truths and promises as i step out in faith in the middle of the battlefield.

speaking of God's truths, last sunday at church, two young girls sang a song that we used to sing at my church camp as i was growing up..."Thy Word" you know, the song that goes, "Thy Word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path."

i loved that song when i was little, partly because i had the chorus memorized and knew what i was singing for once, but as i listened to the lyrics of this song, i was amazed at how full of truth a simple song can be. i would have to say, though, that the first verse is the verse that stuck out to me the most...let me just put it in here for you. "When I feel afraid, think I've lost my way, still you're there right beside me. Nothing wil I fear as long as you are near, please be near me to the end..."

May the first sentence be the verse that I remind myself of each morning as I wake up. and may the second sentence be the sentence that becomes my prayer each day...

2009-05-21T10:06:00.000-07:00

well, the reality is that i leave in less than two weeks now. the reality of boarding a plane to fly halfway around the world again for seven weeks is quite overwhelming. i can't believe i'm doing it again, and although i've been to the country twice before, i have no idea what to expect.

the past few weeks have been rather busy with trying to catch up with everyone i want to see before i leave and with trying to get things in order for leaving...i feel like i have slowed down much since graduation, and the reality of it is, i haven't. i think i romanticized in my head how great it would be to be home for five weeks. not that home hasn't been great, because it has been. i've had countless encouraging conversations with my dad and mom and have laughed hysterically with them both almost on a daily basis. but back while i was at school, i had imagined myself pouring over scripture, praying alllll the time, and planning for this summer. and i have been doing those things, but there just doesn't seem to be enough time in the day to do it to the extent that i had wanted to.

regardless, as busy as these past few weeks have been, i would say it's pretty safe to say that Satan has done a good job of distracting me despite my valiant attempts to stand firm against it. it frustrates me to no avail when i think about how good Satan is at getting our eyes of Jesus, or maybe i shouldn't speak for everyone. let me try that again, it frustrates me to no avail when i think about how good Satan is at taking MY eyes off Jesus...perhaps you can relate, and if you can't, well, i'd love hearing how you avoid Satan's antics.

my purpose of this blog today, though, was not to complain about how busy i have been, but i guess, my purpose in this blog (if blogs can have a purpose) was to share a little about how Satan has been distracting and then the truth the Lord revealed to me last night.

so let me begin back a few days ago. i could tell that something wasn't quite right with the way i was feeling, but just chalked it up to nerves about my trip that was so fast approaching. i kind of pushed off the uneasy feelings for a couple of days, and then, it was almost as if the Lord said to me, "When are you going to take the time to tell me what's really on your heart?" i tried the excuse of telling him that i didn't have anything to say, but yet, He replied with, "Oh, but i think you do..." and then i tried the next excuse of i'm really tired tonight, how about in the morning? and He patiently replied to me saying, "You know just as well as I do that you are not consistent with doing devotions in the morning, so are you willing to push your tiredness aside and share your heart with me?"

i eventually realized i could never come up with an excuse good enough to not share what was on my heart with Him. the frustrating part was, though, that i had no idea where to begin...but i think that's normal, at least for me. so anyway, i began journaling and the words just kind of flooded the pages. as my hand moved across the page, i saw a common theme being written that i'm not sure i had ever experienced before.

fear.

when i came to this realization i tried to come up with times in my life that i have been fearful of things. as i layed in my bed, i couldn't really come up with anything. i'm not the kind of girl that is afraid of spiders or snakes or bugs really in general...i'm not afraid of the dark, i'm not afraid of public speaking, and i'm not afraid of the water. but as i flipped back through the pages that i had just written, i realized that i was fearful of every single thing i prayed about. i was fearful about going to india for seven weeks, i was fearful about being away from home for so long, i was fearful about missing out on the planning of my sister's wedding, i was fearful about what i am going to be doing when i get back from india, i was fearful about whether or not i would be able to find a job, i was fearful about being a burden, i was fearful about the speaking engagement that Rebecca and i will be participating in in India, i was fearful about how i am going to react to Johnson not being at the orphanage, and the list could go on and on.

talk about overwhelming and feelings of inadequacy. after i realized all of these things, i began to say to myself, "how in the WORLD did i get to this point? i've never been at a place like this before in my life." and then it hit me. Satan was working in a way that i wasn't expecting to distract me from what the Lord has in store for me.

i knew in my head that the Lord has every single one of those things under control that i was fearful of, but somehow Satan intercepted that message from getting to my heart. how annoying!

so as the days continued i tried to be more aware of the things in which i was fearful of...i began being more intentional of praying against the spirit of fear and asking the Lord to protect me from the Evil One's schemes. obviously, it was not a quick fix, and i would even venture to say that it still isn't all the way fixed and i'm not sure when it will reach that point or if it ever will. but i do know, in my head and in my heart, that being in the will of God is the safest place for me to be, and that's exactly where i have found myself.

but God wasn't done with me yet...

as i sat in the living room with my mom last night, she conveniently turned on her TiVo-ed episode of Joyce Meyer. she's done this a couple of other times when i've been sitting in the living room with her late at night, and every other time, i've allowed myself to be distracted by facebook or other various things, but from the moment mom turned the show on, it was almost as if the Lord was saying to me, "Tonight, this is for you..." i kind of brushed it off and went back to planning for India, but as i looked up, i saw the topic she was going to be speaking on...

Faith versus Fear

i rolled my eyes and said to the Lord, "Ok, God, i get it...go ahead and speak." (i'm very thankful that i serve a God who has a sense of humor, and that he loves me despite my sarcastic and all too honest attitude sometimes.)

now you would think i have learned by now that when i ask God to speak how dangerous it truly can be, and i mean dangerous in the best way possible. anyway. as Joyce started talking my mom paused the show literally 3 minutes in saying, "she just says so much stuff, i can't write it all down fast enough." i retorted back with, "well mom, why don't you type it out on your computer rather than had writing it." she pretty much ignored me and continued writing until she had what she wanted on her paper and then started the tv again. before i knew what happened, i had a word document opened on my computer typing as quickly as i could trying to write down the words of truth this lady on the tv was saying. sounds pretty ridiculous, i know, right?!

anyway. Joyce began talking about how there are very few people in this world that actually end up doing what God has for them to do in their life because of fear, but she was quick to remind her listeners that even though Satan has used fear to distract and discourage those who are trying to follow Jesus, God has given us faith which is far more powerful than fear. We just have to know how to execute it.

The simple truth is this; God knows what we are fearful of, but He has already given us the faith we need to overcome that fear. (See Romans 12:3)

So as i listened, i was thinking to myself, "ok, i get that faith trumps fear, but how in the world am i to execute that faith that i have already been given?" well, i was in luck because that was exactly what Joyce addressed next. She went on to say, "You release your faith through your thoughts, your words, your actions, and of course through prayer. You can't sit around and think fear thoughts and walk in faith. What we think about is very important; what we meditate on is very important"

It was the second sentence, though, that really caught my attention. "You can't sit around and think fear thoughts and walk in faith." seems simple, but i think it's easier said than done. i mean, when i think about how overcome with fear i was that night about everything going on in my life, i had no room for faith...so the fear just flooded my every thought. but once i finally decided that i wanted to walk in faith and started being intentional in praying i quickly recognized how much more powerful my faith that my God, my Father, and my Creator has given me is than any fear that Satan tries to distract me with.

anyway. Joyce went on to say some pretty profound things; at least they were profound to me because they were what i needed to hear. but she said, "Faith is simple; it is believing God, believing the word of God, and believing his truth more than what the world is telling you."

now, i'm not sure i would go as far to say that faith is simple, because i think having faith in such a complex, wonderful, powerful God sometimes can be difficult because we are human; however, i fully believe as Christians we have to recognize that when the world is discouraging us from following what God has called us to, we have to believe that his truth far exceeds anything that we could comprehend or understand. and we must take refuge in that.

1 John 4:4 says, "Greater is He that is in me, than he that is in the world." when one stops to look at what this verse is really saying, he or she is able to quickly realize that the first He the verse is referring to is God and the he the verse is referring to about being in the world is Satan. so read that again, "Greater is He that is in me, than he that is in the world." read it. memorize it. and rejoice in it.

not only has God given us the faith we need to overcome any fear that Satan brings into our lives, but God also tells us right there in 1 John 4:4 that HE is greater than the one who lives in the world. what comfort that brings...

anyway, i realize i'm writing a novel, but i'm not quite done yet...

One of the final things Joyce talked about in the short 20-25 minutes that she was on our tv last night was about the fact that "It's so much fun to pray for something, and it's so great when you get to the end of it, but it's the middle that sucks." now, maybe i liked her last night because she was willing to say sucks while she was preaching, but really, i think i liked her so much because she wasn't afraid to speak truth. but how true was her statement about the middle sucking?! i mean when you think about how there are times in your life when you prayed for the Lord to change you or ask him to cause you to grow; it's fun to pray that to see how God will answer and when you get to the end of it, it feels good, but as you're going through the changing or growing process i'll be the first to raise my hand and say, "this sucks! get me out!!" (i never really think i mean for the Lord to get me out, but sometimes i wish the process didn't have to be so painful.)

so the middle sucks. plain and simple. God never promised for any of it to be easy; He just promised to never leave us in the midst of it. and if i had to say, the middle is where i have found myself over the course of the last few weeks. and i'm not sure where the end is, but i do know that as much as i wish it didn't have to hurt so much to grow and mature, i wouldn't trade any of it.

i'm thankful i am able to look back on the course of the past few weeks and say, "wow, i've come a long way, and even though i have a long way to go, i'm thankful i am able to recognize how powerful faith is." i'm thankful that i was able to identify the fact that Satan was using fear to distract me, discourage me, isolate me, and cause me to doubt. i'm thankful that i will never be the same because of these lessons i've learned. i'm thankful that God has already given me the faith i need to overcome fear that comes into my life. and i'm thankful that He that is in me, is greater than he that is in the world.

and just remember, as Joyce put it last night, "No matter how overpowering fear feels to you, your faith is always bigger."

amen? amen!!

2009-05-08T18:41:00.001-07:00

about a week ago, i asked the Lord to help me understand my purpose of going back to India two summers in a row. as excited as i have been, that still doesn't change the fact that i don't go through periods of questioning what the Lord truly is thinking opening the door for me to return to a country i love so soon. it's not that i'm doubting that He is going to use me, i think it's more opposition from the Evil One trying to distract, but anyway, the journey the Lord has taken me on this week of helping me understand my purpose of going back to India has been one unlike any other.

on sunday, i started a sunday school class at my church. in the class we are studying the book of galatians; paul wrote this book after either his first or second missionary journey to the people of galatia because they, essentially, had fallen away from the truth. anyway, i know i'm not paul, but galatians 1:15 says, "But when he who had set me apart before I was born and who called me by his grace," now, i'm sure some of you reading that are thinking, 'well, where is the rest of that sentence?' well the sentence continues on into verses 16 and 17, but as i reread that verse, it was kind of the Lord's way of showing me that He had set me apart before i was born for this trip and He has called me by his grace even though i don't completely understand. now, again, i know i'm not paul, but if you were go to on to read verse 16 you would find out that paul talks about going to preach to the gentiles and that is (from my understanding) part of what the Lord had set him apart for and called him to. (and can we please just have for a moment, that the Lord had set paul, formerly known as saul, apart from birth, even though before the Lord renamed him he persecuted Christians worse than most anyone?...i'm thankful i serve that kind of a God.) now when i go to India this summer, i'm not going to be preaching to the gentiles, but i am going to be preaching to some of the people in India; sometimes that will be verbally, sometimes that will be through touch, sometimes that will be through a smile, or sometimes that will simply be through my silent prayers as i travel throughout the country; no matter, it's an honor and privilege to serve my God and my Father in this manner.

and after that on sunday, i wasn't expecting the Lord to really say anything else to me about my purpose in going, i don't think. but He sure has had other things in mind. on monday, i started reading a book entitled, Passion for the Heart of God, if you are at all interested in mission work or feel called in some way or another to be involved with missions, i would encourage you to read it. i'm only on page 32, and it has taught me more than words can express. this book examines missions from the perspective of the whole Bible rather than just the New Testatment or the Great Commission that is given in Matthew 28:18-20.

basically, what it boils down to, is that mission work can be traced back to Abraham, formerly known as Abram. Genesis 12:1-3 says, "Now the Lord said to Abram, "Go from your country and your kindred and your father’s house to the land that I will show you. And I will make of you a great nation, and I will bless you and make your name great, so that you will be a blessing. I will bless those who bless you, and him who dishonors you I will curse, and in you all the families of the earth shall be blessed."

Two things; here, the Lord is commanding Abraham to go just as He has to each of us. but the second thing isn't as obvious, and i didn't understand it until i was reading this book, and i can't word it as well as what the author has (i suppose that's why he got paid for writing this book?!) so i'm just going to go ahead and quote it. he says, "The word bless is the Hebrew word barak, which can be translated "bless" or "relationship." God says, 'I will bless you and through you all nations will be blessed.' Replace the world 'bless' with the other optional word, 'relationship.' 'I will be in relationship with you, and through you all nations will have this relationship extended to them...He desires to extend this 'barak', this blessing of right relationship, to the nations."

wow. this process of bringing the lost back to God started clear back with Abraham; Abraham, the man who was willing to sacrifice his beloved son Isaac, the man who had faith that the Lord would provide, and the man who is the Father of all nations. and now the Lord has chosen me, a twenty-two year old, female to have a part in this too? that basically leaves me speechless.

but as i kept reading the book, there are all sorts of verses the author brings up in only the first 32 pages that have helped me grasp things a little bit more in regards to how missions truly is a common theme throughout the whole Bible. (see, Ezekiel 36:22-24, Isaiah 45:22, Isaiah 61, Psalm 24:1, Psalm 46:10; Psalm 67:1, and Revelation 7:9-10.) and if that's only within the first 32 pages, i'm very much looking forward to what else is in store.

so one would think that the Lord probably was done there with the ways in which he was going to answer my prayer of showing me my purpose of going back to India, right? i, foolishly, did once again, too. but, He wasn't and probably isn't.

as i have been doing my nightly devotions, it never ceases to fail that some of the verses in one way, shape, or form deals with missions or have answered that prayer in some way. take for example John 15:16a, "You did not choose me, I chose you. I appointed you to go and produce lasting fruit." or how about Mark 16:15, "Go into all the world and preach the Good News to everyone." and John 3:30, "He must because greater and greater, and I must become less and less." and Psalm 105:4, "Search for the Lord and for his strength; continually seek him." and finally, John 4:34-38, "My nourishment comes from doing the will of God, who sent me and from finishing his worrk. You know the saying, 'Four months between planting and harvest.' But I say, wake up and look around. The fields are already ripe for harvest. The harvesters are paid good wages, and the fruit they harvest is people brought to eternal life. What joy awaits both the planter and the harvester alike. You know the saying, 'One plants and another harvests.' And it's true. I sent you to harvest where you didn't plant; others had already done the work, and now you will get to gather the harvest."

i guess i'm not entirely sure if any of this makes sense to anyone else who comes acrossed this post, but i do know, that i am thankful i serve a God who knows me well enough to continue providing me with answers to a prayer in unexpected ways. and i'm thankful that i serve a God who has had a heart for the lost for all of time. i'm thankful that He continues moving and working in ways that are so far beyond anything i can imagine that it gives me goosebumps. and i'm thankful that he has called each of us, as Christians, to go and preach his love to those who feel unloved, to feed the hungry, to encourage the broken-hearted, and so much more. i'm thankful that i can call him my Father and that he calls me his beloved daughter. what a wonderful journey this summer in India is going to be once again, as i step out in faith, trusting He is going to show up in so many ways and speak through me in ways i can't even fathom.

i am honored and i am humbled.

2009-05-01T20:29:00.000-07:00

i can officially say that i am leaving for india next month now...

mmm, mongoose, sweet nandini sleeping in my lap, and the beautiful coconut trees and mountains. it seems too good to be true to be going back.

what an amazing feeling...and it just proves to me once again how faithful of a God i serve.

2009-04-27T19:03:00.000-07:00

it's official; i'm an alumna of indiana wesleyan university. despite my valiant efforts to try to come up with reasons to not have to leave, i still walked across the stage on saturday morning to receive my diploma cover. they say my actual diploma will be arriving in the mail sometime this week.

regardless, leaving the place that i had come to call home over the course of the last four years was harder than i ever imagined it to be. i'm finally putting the pieces back together from all of it, but that doesn't mean the fact that i'm not going back in august isn't still heartbreaking for me. there are so many things i am going to miss--from fresh brew to chapel, from lunch and dinner dates to homework by the fireplace, from weekends spent at the front desk to business and covenant meetings, from adventures in odyssey to late night talks, and so much more.

i am indeed excited for what is to come, but it's the knowing how many changes are going to take place that i'm not looking forward to.

as i transition back to living at home, it's hard to think and imagine that in approximately 37 days i will boarding a plane to fly halfway around the world again. it's crazy for me to think back on how many doors the Lord has opened for me to spend another summer in India. it really seems too good to be true. i never imagined that when i began praying during my time there last summer that he would take me back there someday that it would be so soon. i think part of me just expected to have to wait three or more years like i did the last time. but once again, He showed me how much higher his ways are than my ways.

and even though returning to a place that i have been before provides me with some comfort, there are still many unknowns and many differences this time around. thinking about Johnson not being there this time brings tears to my eyes, and the fact that Dhivya is no longer at the orphanage makes me sad. but, in the midst of my questioning the Lord what he is doing, i hear a gentle, quiet voice saying to me, "Elizabeth, I have it all under control; just trust me."

and when i hear that, i can't help but smile. not necessarily because trusting is something i do well all of the time, but because i know that He is going to show up in ways i can't even understand right now. and i smile knowing that soon my fingers will stained yellow and smell like curry, but i smile even bigger knowing that i am and will continue to be right in the palm of God's victorious and powerful right hand.

2009-04-21T21:49:00.000-07:00

saying good-bye might be one of the hardest parts.
especially saying good-bye to the friends who have become family.

2009-04-20T20:58:00.000-07:00

graduation is in four days. and the word bittersweet continues to define my feelings towards it. the realness of it set in this weekend, and the tears began falling. i'm not sure when they will stop, either. but that's ok. i think i would rather be in the place that i am in not wanting to leave than anxiously anticipating getting out of here.

i think back over the past four years, and there have definitely been ups and downs, but never in my wildest dreams did i expect this time to go so quickly nor did i expect myself to enjoy myself as much as i have.

i think processing through having to leave is going to be a continual process; perhaps that is why i have a month (give or take a few days) at home prior to embarking on another journey to india. but in the mean time, i'm going to have to continue to trust that the Lord is going to bring peace to the uncertainty and joy to the sadness; because while this may not be fun at the present moment, good things are going to come, i just have to be patient, wait, and trust.

2009-04-08T20:35:00.000-07:00

i had a divine appointment with God today. quite unexpected as it happened at work while i was in the office.

you see, the sheer reality that graduation is in 16 days hit me this morning as i was walking to my car. perhaps it was a spill over from the end of the year check-out meeting i had last night during my ra business meeting, but no matter, this morning it hit me square in the face that my time here at iwu will soon be over.

so as i sat in a chair in the office, i opened up my book that i have been reading recently called Starving Jesus by Craig Cross and J.R. Mahon. i had stopped the previous day in the middle of a chapter, which i don't typically like doing, but i didn't have much of a choice at the time as i had to leave to go on a home visit. as my eyes moved over each paragraph, i knew it was one of those times that the Lord was saying to me, "my child, these words are for you today." part of me wanted to shrink back in my chair and tell the Lord, "no, i'm not ready to hear this or read this." however, He gently persisted and i kept reading. reading sentences and paragraphs such as those written below...

"...your walk with Chris has very little to do with your plans and design. It is solely about serving God and those around you."

"It's amazing how we push our agenda with him. We back God up against the walls of our lives. We tell him we need this or that. We give him deadlines. We are so used to living our lives instantly, right now, this second, immediately; we forget our lives are his. Not the other way around. Listening means we must be in a position to hear him."

"...listening to God means a lot of sacrifice at times."

"God's plan for you, me, and the reast of humankind is real. He desires us to be near him and close to those who also know him, and always with a mind for those who need to be close to him."

"A lot about listening to God doesn't make sense. Having faith in something you have never seen, never heard, never touched. It is all quite nuts, except for the fact that your life changes on a dime when you engage Christ. When you listen and exercise that faith, the ignorable calling bears itself out in the fulfillment of your desires. God will fulfill the desires of your heart--that's the freedom you have as a result of Christ on the cross. You lose your life so you can find it, but you must listen and act."

wow. anyone else see a theme there? perhaps it's just me, because i feel like that "theme/themes" been the theme/themes of this entire year.

listening. surrendering. his will, not mine. being a servant. faith. intimacy.

oh, i could spend days unpacking what each of those paragraphs or sentences really means or how they have spoken to me.

it all kind of reminds me of the parable that Jesus tells about the seeds and the soil. (bear with me, maybe i'll be able to make the correlation...) i think about different times in my life, and i think that at one point or another my life has reflected all the different kinds of soil talked about in Mark 4:14-20. ultimately, my goal is to live a life that reflects the good soil, a life that is producing a harvest in order to expand his Kingdom, but how can i not acknowledge the times where i have questions God's will, been frustrated with He is doing, or completely ignored what He was trying to say to me? i can't. sure, i would love to pretend that everything in my walk with Christ is always easy and always perfect, but i'm not one who thinks lying is the best or healthiest choice. does my stubbornness often prevent me from being obedient right away? you betcha. am i proud of that? no, not even a little. but, what i can say is that the Lord is patient with me, and He is teaching me to let go of my stubbornness because so much of it is caused by pride. i like to picture it as the Lord walking with me, showing me what weeds i have in my life that prevent me from being just like the good soil, and He bends down to help me pull those weeds out of my life no matter how deep their roots may run. it is probably one of the most painful journeys i've been on in awhile, but so much joy and peace has come from it and will continue to come from it, i wouldn't trade it for anything.

and through that journey, i have had to listen, surrender, serve, trust, understand that his ways are far above mine, and come to a more intimate level with Christ than ever before.

all of that to say, divine appointments with God are my favorite, even if they are unwanted in the beginning. and, once again, i am reminded of how thankful i am to serve a God who knows me better than i know myself.

2009-04-04T18:23:00.000-07:00

"The one who calls you is faithful, and he will do it."

1 Thessalonians 5:24

2009-04-03T13:54:00.000-07:00

bittersweet is the only word that can adequately describe life right now.

i'm torn between the excitement of what the next chapter of my life holds and the saddness that comes with leaving all that is familiar. the simple fact that graduation is three weeks from tomorrow is absolutely unreal. i really feel like i just moved into college in august for the first time...oh how time flies.

i think about how much i've grown and changed over the past four years, and i am amazed at how the Lord has worked in my life and changed my heart. when i came to college, i didn't even have a major, and now i am more passionate about what i am doing with my life than i ever thought possible. i never expected to fall in love with hurting people in the way that i have, and i never expected the Lord to break my heart for what breaks his in the way that he has. i never imagined that i would be comfortable sitting in homes that i have found myself in throughout the course of this year, and i never thought that different injustices would cause me to be angry enough to cry. and if i'm being completely honest, i never expected myself to be as emotional as i have become.

i think back to the way life used to be, and i'd be lying if i said i didn't wish it was still the same sometimes. life seemed so much simpler in high school and for sure in elementary school. i think about the carefree days of sitting in my bedroom playing and reading and the busy, activity filled days of high school. and now, i'm twenty-two, thinking about the reality of bills and a full-time job.

i can recall a conversation i had with my dad at one point in time in junior high or high school...we were on our way into town from our house probably to go grocery shopping or something, and dad talked to me about missions. i remember him saying to me, "i wouldn't be surprised if one of my daughters ended up on the mission field one day." and my response consisted of, "well, dad, i guarantee that it will be rachel because there is no way i will ever move that far away from home." i believe that he probably chuckled at me and told me not to underestimate God, and in my stubbornness i shrugged it off and probably mocked him in some way or another. and now, i look at the work the Lord has done in my heart and how he has completely changed my worldview and caused me to fall in love with people whom i've never even met and i can't help but think that my dad's statement is more true than i was willing to admit at that point in life.

isn't it funny how God works? isn't it funny how we think we can plan our lives according to our desires and wants, but then God simply smiles down on us and says, "Oh, my child, my dear child, you have no idea what i have planned for you..." i can't help but wonder how often people ignore that...and i can't help but wonder how often i have ignored that in my life.

i don't think we necessarily intentionally ignore the fact that God's plans always prevail, but i think sometimes it's hard not to get caught up in the day to day activities of humanness. what am i referring to, one may ask, though? well...the simple need to be in control. the need to control every aspect of our lives...where we're going to live, where we're going to work, who we're going to marry, who we're going to be friends with, what friendships are going to last for a lifetime, etc. i mean, everyone likes to be in control or feel like they are in control at least. but, i think i've realized, when we admit that we have no control that our lives actually begin to feel like they are on track.

regardless. i feel as though this post is scattered, but then again, that probably is a good representation of my thoughts over the course of the past week or so.

on another note, the reality that i am going to be travelling back to india this summer has finally set in. at least partially. the reality that it is basically in two months, though, hasn't completely clicked. my heart is overwhelmed at the thought of being reunited with my beloved children, but my heart also breaks at the thought of all of the changes and transitions that have happened at the home in the course of the past year.

the differences will be great, but i am continually trying to remind myself that different is beautiful. i'm excited to see the way the Lord intricately pieces together this trip just as he did last summer, and i'm even more excited to see what he has to teach me not only as i prepare to go but also while i am there, basking in his presence, surrounded by the mountains and coconut trees, with the warm breeze in my face.

in the mean time, though, i will continue praying for the Lord's guidance as one of the biggest chapters of my life comes to a close, and i will continue praying that the Lord would prepare me to love boldly and to trust blindly as i journey back to the country i fell in love with four years ago...

2009-03-29T21:12:00.000-07:00

"Therefore, change your hearts and stop being stubborn. For the Lord your God is the God of gods and the Lord of lords. He is the great God, the mighty and awesome God, who shows no partiality and cannot be bribed. He ensures that orphans and widows receive justice. He shows love to the foreigners living among you and gives them food and clothing. So you, too, must show love to foreigners, for you yourselves were once foreigners in the land of Egypt. You must fear the Lord your God and worship him and cling to him. Your oaths must be in his name alone. He alone is your God, the only one who is worthy of your praise, the one who has done these mighty miracles that you have seen with your own eyes."
Deuteronomy 10:16-21

i was awed by these verses tonight. simply awed. i read them. i stopped. i reread them. i stopped. i kept reading. and then i went back and read them again. then i shared them with my roommate, and i shared them with another dear friend of mine.

it's on nights like tonight that i am reminded the Lord does indeed answer my prayer of giving me a sense of wonder...

how thankful i am that my God is not a god of confusion but a god of order and a god of peace. One who is never late, but always perfect in his timing.

2009-03-22T12:39:00.000-07:00

it's been a month since thatta has passed away, but yet i'm still not sure it has completely hit me that he's gone. the pictures of his tombstone have come, the updates about the funeral have been read, and tears continue to be shed over the loss. i miss him, but i've never stopped missing him since i walked into the airport all those months ago after the six most amazing weeks of my life. so i guess i'm not entirely sure i realize now what is so different. i know in my head that he is gone, but i don't think it's reached my heart yet. and i'm not entirely sure that will happen until i arrive at the orphanage again.

plans have continued to fall into place for this summer, and as excited as i am for it, i think i'm realizing how different it is going to be. not only is thatta gone, but i received another email this week that one of the girls i connected with the most ended up taking a government job due to the loss of her father and the extreme financial need her mother was in. this is quite unheard of at the orphanage especially since this young girl was in college to become a nurse. she was one of the most respected girls in the orphanage and had such a sweet spirit. i just hope that i will be able to connect with her while i am there...

and as the days continue whizzing by, i continue to be amazed at what the Lord is teaching me and how he is moving in my life. i'm not sure i'll ever get used to the fact that the journey he has me on takes unexpected twists and turns, but in the end, i'm always grateful for them. i've realized more this week than normal that i must continue to trust, speak truth, love, be patient and surrender. and as difficult as those things may be at different times, i'm excited to see where they may lead me next.

2009-03-14T18:34:00.000-07:00

"Is this not the kind of fasting I want: Free those who are wrongly imprisoned, lighten the burden of those who work for you. Let the oppressed go free and remove the chains that bind people. Share your food with the hungry and give shelter to the homeless. Give clothes to those who need them, and do not hide from your relatives who need help...Feed the hungry, and help those in trouble. Then your light will shine out from the darkness and the darkness around you will be as bright as noon. The Lord will guide you continually giving you water when you are dry and restoring your strength. You will be like a well watered garden, like an ever-flowing spring."
Isaiah 58:6-7, 10-11

i was able to go to chapel this wednesday for only like the third time this whole semester, and the verses written above were the basis of the service along with 1 John 3 about not merely saying we love each other but showing the truth by our actions.

i was moved to tears. the hard truth of the service pointed out the fact that knowing God intimately affects how we care for the poor. as i sat and reflected about that more and more, i craved to know the Lord at a deeper level in order to love others more. it reminded me of my children halfway around the world, and it reminded me of the clients i see on a daily basis.

i have thought about the fact that although i have continued praying for the Lord to break my heart for what breaks his and he has continued to answer that in different ways, i am still only getting small glimpses of what that truly looks like. and as much as it may hurt on certain days, i wouldn't change it for anything.

as i flip through the pages of my journal, i notice that my entries may be few and far between, but yet i am so thankful for the journey that fills the pages. i am continually reminded that the Lord is directing my steps, that in the midst of confusion he is always present, that his ways are so much higher than mine, and that as many times as i fail and stumble he remains faithful.

i will never understand, but i will continue to be thankful.
and i will continue to be thankful for all of always.

may he continue using, shaping, molding, and changing me in whatever way he has ordained. may my life bring glory, honor, and praise to his name, and may he continue to give me the great privilege of being his hands and feet.

2009-03-05T08:42:00.000-08:00

spring break marks the halfway point of second semester. the halfway point of second semester this year means graduation is almost here. graduation means real life is just around the corner. and i haven't entirely figured out what real life means yet.

sitting in my living room this morning, i carelessly flipped through the channels trying to find something decent to watch. after jon & kate plus 8, i settled on gilmore girls. interestingly enough, it was all about rory moving into college. i remember watching that episode the summer before i moved into school. at one point in time rory says, "i just hope it will be everything i have been imagining it to be."

when i watched that episode before i moved into school, i remember thinking the exact same thing. and here i am almost four years later, and now i am able to say that college has been everything i imagined it to be and more. each year has brought its own trials and challenges, but each year has provided me with more memories and laughs than ever before.

it's so weird to think that the place i was so apprehensive about going to, i'm even more apprehensive about leaving. it truly has become a second home to me, and that i think that is only because of the people i have become friends with. not only did i find a second home, i found a second family.

what a blessing it has been to walk through life with the people i have met, and the Lord has been so faithful year after year providing me with people the exact people i needed to encourage me and love me well.

as the next seven weeks of my life fly by before graduation, i guarantee there will be tears shed, laughter that abounds, memories made that are irreplaceable, lessons learned, meaningful conversations had, and challenges faced and hopefully conquered.

as scary as the unknown is, i'm excited to see where the Lord will lead. and just as i had to trust blindly last year as everything with India unfolded, i am going to have to trust blindly again that the Lord will provide and direct my steps as i make may way through life trying to live a life that brings glory and honor to his name.

2009-02-28T14:43:00.000-08:00

"Thatta"

May 7, 1940-February 21, 2009

my thatta is gone. i received an email last friday informing me that he had passed...it's taken me quite some time to be able to put words to any of my thoughts and feelings, and i know that it's going to continue to take time to process through everything.

i've hated the distance that has been separating me from india and the orphanage more than normal this week. more than anything i've wanted to be with my family there who understand my thoughts, my feelings, and my pain. i've longed to sit on the steps in front of the girls' hostile holding the little ones in my arms and comforting the older ones. and i have wished so much that i could adequately convey to johnson's family how much of an impact he had on my life.

thinking about this summer and potentially going back to the orphanage is such a bittersweet thought. yes, i have confidence that johnson will be one of the first people that i see when i get to heaven, but it kills me to know that johnson won't be the first person i see when i open up the door to my apartment. it kills me to know that i will never have tea and biscuits with him again here on the earth, and it breaks my heart to know that i will not be able to laugh at his jokes.

i'm finally reaching the place where i am thankful for the vivid memories i do have with him, and i'm beyond thankful for the six life changing weeks i spent with him. i hate that i wasn't able to say good-bye, but i rejoice in the fact that he is walking on the streets of gold, singing continual songs of praise, and basking in the presence of our Lord who allowed our paths to cross. and i'd be willing to put money on it that he's having coffee and cashews and cracking jokes with moses, elijah, king david, john the baptist, job, and everyone else.

i'm sure there will be more thoughts to come, but i know until i get to heaven, the memories will continue to live on, and i will continue thanking the Lord for the beauty that comes along with the Body of Christ.

2009-02-06T18:58:00.000-08:00

as i find myself sitting in front of the computer tonight, my surroundings are completely different for the first time in a long time as i write on here. my empty smoothie cup is sitting on the table, my journal, bible, and books are tucked nicely away in my bag, music i have never heard before in my life is playing in the background, i hear the chatter of multiple conversations occurring around me, and while i'm sitting with perfect posture in a booth and not sitting in my big, comfy red chair on campus, i am more content now that i have been in quite some time.

as my last semester at iwu has continued to transpire, life has not slowed down nor has it gotten any easier. i find myself exhausted when i get back from practicum and feeling as though i am missing on on so many of my friends' lives. i hate that there aren't more hours in the day, and i hate the fact that i can't just survive on two hours of sleep. it just feels like there aren't enough hours in the day.

and i hate that too.

i've hated it all semester, but this week it all caught up with me. it's the first time in a long time i've had someone look at me and say, "you're not taking care of yourself." i tried to argue it and deny it, but there really was no way around it. i did just what i had promised myself i wasn't going to do again; i overcommitted myself, i tried to live up to others' expectations, i tried to take care of myself, i completely ignored the heartache i was feeling, and i most definitely did not trust blindly.

how thankful i am, though, for the Lord's goodness and grace. because although time and time again i fail He remains faithful, saying to me, "My precious daughter, I love you and I care for you. You have to let me, but I will always be here to hold you, to wipe away your tears, to listen when you need to vent, to walk with you hand in hand, and to remind you that you are worthy." it truly does give a new meaning to the part in amazing grace when it says, amazing grace...that saved a wretch like me. i sometimes am that wretch, but his amazing grace saves me every, single time.

regardless, the craziness of my week began on monday when i received a text message from stacey saying that johnson had taken another turn for the worse. my heart instantly broke, but i refused to let myself feel anything because i knew i had to get through the remainder of the day at practicum. i'm not even entirely sure i have words to describe the range of emotions i felt this week or how to tell anyone that even though i know the right thing to do is surrender the situation to the Lord, i don't want to let go of him yet. i don't want when he said, "i have faith we will meet again," to be when i see him in heaven, i want it to be this summer. i want him to be sitting at his desk and greeting me with "good morning, children," i want him to come over and have coffee with me every afternoon and eat biscuits and tell stories of how the Lord has spoken to him and used him to impact the lives of others, i want to walk down to the orphanage with him singing hymns, i want him to crack his jokes to me so that i can tell him how funny he is, i want him to rescue me from the lizards and abnormally large spiders, i want him to laugh at me when i can't say the tamil words exactly right, i want him to share a meal with me again, i want to be able to tell him how much his obedience has set an example for me, and i want to have more time with him being my thatta.

selfish? perhaps. but my honest thoughts and feelings? most definitely.

however. i relent myself to the fact that the Lord's ways, reasons, and timing are far above mine. so even though i have all of those thoughts and feelings and while i'm still praying for the Lord to miraculously heal him, i completely and entirely entrust him into the Lord's care and am just now reaching the point where i can say, "Your will be done, Father Your will be done."

i rejoice in the fact, though, that when Johnson gets to heaven, whether that be tomorrow, next week, next year or in ten years, i believe he is going to hear, "Well done, my good and faithful servant."

i was reminded of the song today, I Want to Leave a Legacy, by Nichole Nordman...in the song it says, "i want to leave a legacy, how will they remember me? did i choose to love? did i point to You enough to make a mark on things? i want to leave an offering a child of mercy and grace who blessed you name unapologetically, and leave that kind of legacy."

as i thought about the lyrics and i thought about what kind of legacy i want to leave, i thought about the legacy Johnson will leave behind when he passes. i thought about the impact he has made in so many children's lives and i smile when i think about the impact he made on three, crazy american girls whom he chose to love unconditionally. the legacy he will leave is far more than he ever imagined, and his humbleness in that brings me far more joy than words can explain.

so as i continue to wrestle with the reality of the fact that i might not get to see this man i love and admire so much again before the Lord calls him home, i smile to myself when i think about the mansion the Lord has prepared for him in heaven, and i smile to myself even bigger when i think about the Lord placing our homes side by side in heaven so that he will again one day be able to say, "good morning, children," and so that we can laugh together again in perfect paradise.

2009-02-01T12:02:00.000-08:00

today in church i was reminded of how the Lord can speak to all of us in such different ways through the same message.

part of me feels as though i should apologize that basically everytime i blog somehow, someway india is incorporated into it, but at the same time, i'm not sorry at all. i'm not sorry at all that the Lord moved in my life in such a huge way this past summer, and i am not sorry at all that i am continuing to be changed from it.

during the sermon today, my mind traveled back to india; more specifically to the sunday that i preached at sutheban's small church. i was reminded of how i talked about how we, as Christians, are all members of the same body, but each of us has different roles and make up different parts of it.

sometimes, i think it's hard for us, actually, i know it's hard for me, to not wish i was a different part of the body and to not compare myself to other believers. and right now, it's hard for me to know how my role in contributing to the different parts of the body is going to continue to play out as i'm just three short months away from embarking on a completely different chapter in my life.

i think of all the possibilities, and i think of the passions the Lord has given me. i think about my gifts, i think about my weaknesses, and i wonder how they are all going to line up.

and then i remember, i have no control. none. zip. zilch. nada. and as scary as that is for me on certain days, today i rejoice in it.

not only did i learn this summer that no one else can take my place in the Body of Christ, i also learned and came to the understanding of how true it is that His power is made perfect in my weaknesses. how freeing...

and for now, i will continue praying that other people will come to a similar understanding, and eventually, i know i will learn that the Lord answers my prayers...He just answers them in his time and not mine.

thank you, Father, for your sovereignty, and for the way you

speak to truth to each of your children. thank you that your timing

is far above ours and that you have created each of us uniquely

and perfectly for the paths you ordained for us even before

we were born. may we understand and recognize

that you love each of us indefinitely, and that the stories

you have given us all the the potential to turn a life around

and make a difference in your Kingdom.

2009-01-24T18:35:00.000-08:00

as the cursor blinks at me on my computer screen, it is almost as though it is mocking me for not knowing where to begin. it's saturday night, and i have found myself alone, again in my red chair, listening to some thumping noise coming from the room upstairs. the tv is on, multiple games of word twist have been played, another webcam has attempted to be installed, and yet the night is still young.

as i have walked, more like sprinted, through this semester it's hard for me to believe that it's almost february. actually, three months from tomorrow is graduation. my schedule has been unlike any ever before, and if i am being completely honest, i'm not sure i'll ever adjust to it. i miss lunch and coffee dates with friends, and i miss lazy weekday afternoons where stories and laughter flow in abundance. i miss having a consistent schedule and i miss how easy being intentional used to be for me.

as i am continuing to work through the things that i miss, i am beyond thankful for where i have been placed for my practicum. not only is the work environment more welcoming and encouraging than i could ever explain, the convenient location of it being less than 5 minutes from iwu has been more helpful than i imagined. not only does it mean that i don't have to wake up incredibly early to plan for an hour commute, but it also has allowed me to come back to school on random breaks during the day, and in those times the Lord has provided me with some divine appointments. divine appointments that will not easily be forgotten...

it continues to amaze me at how the Lord works. it amazes me that he knows what we need before we do, and it amazes me even more that he will give that to us without hesitation.

in the midst of trying to adjust to life in the real world while still living at school, my thoughts have not stop traveling halfway around the world to india. emails have come about once a week to update about johnson. he's still in the hospital and continues to be on and off the ventilator. i feel as though they still are unsure as to whether or not he is going to make it, but i continue praying for a miracle.

on tuesday night of this week, after i received the latest update about johnson, i found myself in the lobby sitting in front of the fireplace in tears as i tried to explain to a dear friend of mine what i was thinking. i'm not entirely sure i ever really put words to it, but it hurts so much to know that i could lose him, and it hurts that much more feeling selfish for wanting him to hang on so i can see him, spend time with him, laugh with him, and learn from him again. i hate knowing he's laying in a hospital bed halfway around the world, and as stacey put it the other day, not receiving the care that he could be receiving here in the states. and yet, i hate that it's been almost a month since he's been there, and i haven't been able to see him or talk to him. i'm still tempted almost every day to buy a plane ticket and make my way over there, and i don't think that will ever change either.

it's hard to believe that i've been home for six months. not a day has gone by that i haven't thought about my kids or the rest of my family over there whose lives have gone on without me. and as jess and i watched the videos from our time there on thursday night, it truly seemed like we were just there yesterday. it's amazing to me that almost exactly at this time last year plans started falling into place for last summers trip. and as i walk in the path the Lord has set out for me, i continue hoping and praying everyday that i will find myself back at the place i left such a huge part of my heart again this summer.

in the mean time, though, may i continue learning, growing, and trusting. may the Lord allow me to be a seeker an speaker of truth, may he continue to break my heart for what breaks his, and may he continue helping me to see myself through his eyes rather than my own...

2009-01-04T18:12:00.000-08:00

as i write tonight, i find myself nestled in my comfortable red chair, wrapped in my cow blanket, back at iwu. house is on tv right now, the link to facebook is on the bottom of my screen with a freshly finished game of word twist behind me, and yet even with all the distractions, i would be lying if i said my mind wasn't trying to travel to 1,000 different places at about 100 miles per hour. i can't even entirely put words to everything; however, i might as well try...

i never would have guessed that the lessons i learned this summer while in india about the power of prayer and about entrusting others into the Lord's care would be playing such a huge role in my life right now. i guess it just goes to show that we, as Christians, are never done learning or growing.

regardess. i received an email late last tuesday night asking for urgent prayer for my beloved thatta halfway around the world. as soon as i read the subject of the email, my eyes welled with tears, and when i read that Johnson was in ICU of a hospital on a ventilator, the tears started falling. images flashed through my mind of the hospital we worked in this summer, the ICU there, of Johnson sitting at his desk exclaiming, "Good morning, children!" as the three of us girls would open the door to our apartment, of his belly jiggling as he laughed with us during coffee every afternoon, of him saying, "We go" after we finished dinner, of walking down the path with him to the orphanage singing hymns, of our last sunday together, of our good-bye at the airport and countless others. and then i started to envision this man, who i admire, adore, love, cherish, and miss so much laying in a hospital bed...completely helpless. and i, halfway around the world from him, am completely helpless as well.

needless to say, the tears continued to fall and sleep was hard to come by that night.

the days that have followed have been no walk in the park. emails have continued to come--some giving me hope, others making me face the harsh reality that he might not live. i check my email multiple times a day with hopes of receiving news, knowing that in the mean time there is nothing i can do but pray.

i don't think that when Johnson told us girls this summer that he had faith we would meet again i realized how precious those words were. i feel as though i simply overlooked the fact that the truth he spoke of might not mean we would meet again here on earth, but rather someday we would be joyfully reunited in heaven...and what better place for that?? i'm not saying i think i won't see him again until both of us are in heaven, because i have faith that God, who is still a God of miracles, can completely heal him, but i am now acknowledging and remembering the fact that the Lord's ways are and always be far above mine.

the thousands of miles that are separating us make my heart hurt and the cost of a plane ticket and the reality that classes start on tuesday make my head spin. i would drop everything in a heartbeat to go sit by his bedside, to go and spend time with the children and let them know i'm just as scared as they are, and to offer encouragement in whatever way i can. but. i will continue reminding myself of the power of prayer and the importance of entrusting those whom i hold dearest to my heart into his care because they are much safer there anyway.

and as all of this continues to transpire, i will continue trusting blindly that when i am without words, the Holy Spirit will intervene. and i rest in the fact that the same Jesus who wraps me in his loving arms and wipes each tear away that i cry is also in the hospital room with Johnson, holding him and his family close to his heart, wiping their tears away, and calming their fears.

[thank you, Lord, that you are in more than

one place at a time, and that you are and always will be

in control. i praise you for still being God of miracles,

and i humbly bow at your feet asking for just that. i ask

that your power would be made perfect in all our weaknesses

who are involved in this situation--whether directly

or indirectly. would you place your angels

at the four corners of Johnson's room and not allow

satan to have any place in this situation? i pray for a

peace that passeth all understanding, and i ask that you would

simply bring healing. allow Johnson and his family to experience

you in a new and different way and may the cloud of

witnesses see your glory reflected in this situation and learn

and recognize how powerful you are through this.

may all the glory, honor, and praise go to you, Father.

thank you for the awesome privilege you give to your children

in praying for their fellow brothers and sisters, and thank

you for being a God of compassion and a God who cares.]

2008-12-22T10:04:00.000-08:00

what a journey the last month has been...life never seems to slow down.

as i find myself home for Christmas break, i can't believe how quickly my last first semester at school went. it seems like just yesterday i was packing up my room to head to school for RA training, but now i am faced with the hard reality that i only have four months left at the place i have come to call home over the last three and a half years. how is that even possible? and how can one even begin to explain the emotions that accompany that?

i'm excited to see what the Lord has in store, so incredibly excited, but at the same time not excited for all that i will be drastically changing. not only will the fact that the comfortability of being in the classroom compared to being in the work place no longer will hold true for my life, but also some of the most precious and most cherished relationships i've ever had in my life will be changing as well. no longer will i have the privilege of living in such close community with people who know me well, people to go to meals with, people to consistently hang out on the weekends, or people to stay up until the wee hours of the morning talking about the hard issues of life.

i don't think anyone can prepare you for this stage in life.

however, i am so thankful for the fact that the Lord has continued and will continue to give me the strength to love boldly. not only for the next four months, but also after graduation. sure, i am aware of the fact that things will look different, but that doesn't mean the value of the relationships will change nor does it mean that the blessing they have been to me will look any different.

it's kind of like what i have gone through with not being with my kids in India. some days the pain is intense and i can't express anything except through tears, and even though i always think of them, i know that i must continue entrusting them into the Lord's care. i hate that i am not there to laugh with them, to sing with them, to hold them, to play games with them, or any of that, but i am thankful that the Lord still is there giving them joy, protecting them, teaching them, holding them close, and loving them so deeply. i love that. and i love that he does that in all areas of life.

i love that the Lord meets us where we are at time and time again. i love that he takes me out of the miry clay and sets my feet upon the rock and reminds me of his love no matter how many times i seem to forget. i love that he knows me intricately; that he knows my weaknesses, my strengths, my thoughts, my failures, my successes, my dreams and desires, the things that make me laugh, the things that bring me to tears, the things i am struggling through, and the things that i am learning. what an honor it is to be his child.

this past week i read a book that had been sitting in my bookcase since the beginning of the semester: The Shack. unfortunately, i didn't have a pen in hand as i made my way through the pages, but it was one of the most amazing, ficitional books i have read in a long time. ranking right up there with Redeeming Love. as i turned page after page, i was taken on a journey with a man who God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit met with. i was awed, almost brought to tears, and brought to a deeper understanding of how the Lord views me. how i truly am his beloved. how he understands so much more than i often will give him credit for and how patient he truly is.

even though i didn't have a pen in hand, there one small part that i made sure to remember where it was. it starts with the man talking to God saying, "I hate all of this--this crying and blubbering like an idiot, all of these tears." and God replied with, "Oh, child, don't ever discount the wonder of your tears. They can be healing waters and a stream of joy. Sometimes they are the best words the heart can speak."

wow...i read that conversation once and then i had to reread it. it made me think of the last five months of my life and i felt like the conversation the main character of the book was having the God was one that God and i could have had. often times i find myself hating the fact that i have become more emotional, able to cry at the drop of the hat. but what a comfort it was to read those lines of the book. sometimes tears truly are the best words the heart can speak and how healing they truly often are. and how thankful i am the Lord has opened my eyes to that...it's taken time, and i'm not sure i've arrived at the desination yet, but do we ever truly arrive while we're here on earth?

oh life...there never seems to be a dull moment.

may i continue learning, growing, trusting blindly, loving boldly, making the most of each day, dreaming for the future but living in the present, living simply instead of simply living, and finding joy in the little things.

2008-11-27T21:11:00.000-08:00

i never could have guessed that the things i learned prior to going to india this summer and some of the things i learned while i was in india this summer would be playing such a huge part in my life right now.

some days i am so thankful for it; others i resent it.

how can you resent it one may ask? simple. how can i not? how can i not resent the fact that the unknown is scary? how can i not resent the fact that following the Lord often times is difficult and requires sacrifice?

maybe resent isn't the right word. but for tonight, that's what describes how i am feeling. that doesn't mean that i am not still trying to seek the Lord's will for my life, because i am, but i think sometimes we all need to be reminded that dangerous surrender is exactly that: dangerous.

i don't know what my future holds for me, but this week i have been reminded that just because i make plans doesn't mean that they are going to happen. i have been reminded of the importance of holding on loosely to the things that mean so much to me, and i have been reminded of the love the Lord has placed in my heart for people, a culture, and a country halfway around the world from me.

on tuesday afternoon, i convinced a few of my friends to watch born into brothels with me. the movie is set in calcutta, india and tells the story of children whose mothers work as prostitutes. i knew watching the movie would be hard, but i didn't know what i had gotten myself into. the tears started about five minutes into the movie, and they didn't stop until a good fifteen to twenty minutes after the movie was over.

i cried for the children in the movie, and i cried for the children whose stories still remain untold. i cried for the mothers who are stuck in prostitution, and i cried for the men who see nothing wrong with what they are doing. i cried for the poverty, i cried for the brokenness, and i cried for the caste system. i cried for my children at Hope Home, and i cried because i missed my Thatta. i cried because of the vivid memories that were brought back to life, and i cried because of what the future may hold for me.

after the movie ended, i clicked on the extra scene of "three years later". the lady who lived among these children traveled back to the place this movie took place and was able to catch up with the children she spent so much time with three years earlier. as i watched her walk into the entrance of the boarding school where some of the girls now lived, i saw them run to her. i saw them run into her arms and her hold them tight.

for a second, i felt like i was back in india. i felt like i had just returned from the hospital this summer when we had spent a week away from the children and they were dropping their school books and running into my arms. and then i imagined what it really will be like when i am able to return to 120 of the most beautiful children in the world...and more tears continued to fall.

like i said earlier, i'm not sure what my future holds for me, and while it's scary at times, i will continue to remember the importance of trusting blindly and entrusting others into His care. and in this process i know that i will continue learning what dangerous surrender truly looks like, and i am sure that my heart will continue to break for what breaks his. may i be obedient wherever He leads.

[how thankful i am to serve a God who hears and answers my prayers...]

2008-11-21T22:17:00.000-08:00

for the past 20 minutes, the song "Lead Me to the Cross" has been on repeat. allow me to share the lyrics:
--------------------------------
Savior I come
Quiet my soul remember
Redemptions hill
Where Your blood was spilled
For my ransom
Everything I once held dear
I count it all as lost

Lead me to the cross
Where Your love poured out
Bring me to my knees
Lord I lay me down
Rid me of myself
I belong to You
Lead me, lead me to the cross

You were as I
Tempted and trialed
You are
The word became flesh
Bore my sin and death
Now you're risen
----------------------------------------

rid me of myself, i belong to you...wow.
there simply are no words tonight.
may i let this song be my prayer.

2008-11-19T10:29:00.000-08:00

today i am overwhelmed by God's goodness, grace, sovereignty, power, might, love, forgiveness, faithfulness, persistence, giving spirit, wisdom, plans, and relationship.

as i sat in chapel today, i can't even fully explain to you the things i was thinking, besides the fact that the God i serve is so big. and i can't comprehend him. my heart is burdened for the brokenness i have seen, for friends who are struggling, and for the simple fact that there are people all around this nation and world who don't know the loving power of Jesus.

but, i am thankful for that burden. as a matter of fact, i consider myself blessed with it.

i know that some days the road i am traveling on might be lonely, but i'm thankful that He walks with me hand in hand, that he sees the tears that fall, that he laughs when i laugh, and that He has the answers to all of life's questions.

i'm learning, i'm living, and i'm loving, and i wouldn't want it any other way.
may the Lord continue to teach me how to be present where He has me in the here and now and to rejoice in his divine appointments.

how thankful i am that even though He doesn't need me, He chooses to use me anyway.

2008-11-15T20:18:00.000-08:00

i received a text from my dad this morning. it's the first time i've heard from him since he's been out of the country, but little did i know how heavy my heart would be for the remainder of the day.

his text asked me if i had received an email about the little girl on the left. he said she is very sick and in the hospital. instantly, my stomach dropped. subitha is one of the girls the three of us worked very close with this summer; although she looks small in stature, she's in the sixth standard. however, she cannot read. basically, the staff told us there was no hope for her because she'll never be able to complete an education.

i refused to believe it then, and i refuse to believe it now.

although i didn't receive the email my dad texted me about, he forwarded it to me. it said that she was diagnosed with dengue fever which is similar to malaria. she's been violently vomitting for about a week, and just recently, they finally put her on an iv. there was an attached picture of this little girl laying in the hospital bed to the email; although i could vaguely recognize her face, her body appeared emaciated.

as i looked at the picture, i couldn't help but want to drive to indianapolis and ask to be put on the next flight to india so that i could be with her in the hospital. i want to go hold her, to let her cry on my shoulder, to remind her that she is loved, that there is still hope, and to tell her that although our skin is a different color i will always consider her one of my children. but then i thought for a second of her older sister (right). what pain she must be feeling. i'm not sure what information has been shared with her, but because of indian culture, i highly doubt it is much.

can you imagine for just a second what it would be like to lose your mother, to have your father abandon you, and now have your younger sister be incredibly sick? that's exactly what this little girl is going through. i wish that i could go to india for her, too. to hold her, to comfort her, to tell her that she, too, will always be considered one of my children, and i wouldn't trade her for the world.

i hate that my life continues to go on without them and their life continues to go on with me. in the physical sense, of course. i hate that i am sitting in a big, comfortable red chair in my living room when i could be sitting in a plastic lawn chair in johnson's apartment. i hate that i'm going to get up tomorrow morning and not go worship with them at their chapel. i hate that tomorrow after chuch i am not going to be able to go to the hospital where subitha is--to hold her small little hand, to stroke her forehead, to pray with her, to sing to her, or to do anything that a little girl would want her mother to do.

but for now. i find myself speechless...

may the holy spirit simply intercede as he always says he will.

2008-11-11T17:35:00.000-08:00

it's hard to believe it's been almost four months since i returned back to the states. and it's even harder for me to believe how tender my heart has truly become since returning home. i never used to cry, and now daily, it is almost guaranteed that my eyes will well with tears at least once, and more often than not, they spill over onto my face.

i wouldn't change it for the world.

there are certain points during the day that i catch myself daydreaming, thinking about what the children are doing, what johnson is doing, or what i would be doing if i were there right then, but then i am quickly brought back to reality when i am hit in the face with the harsh reality that i am halfway around the world from them.

i wish i could click my heels three times and be there, laughing with johnson, playing with the children, joking with the staff, eating with my fingers, and sitting on the roof pouring our my heart to the Lord. if only it were that easy.

i think over the course of the last two weeks i have been completely and utterly overwhelmed with the brokenness i see all around me each and everyday. and i hate it and love it all at the same time. i hate it because i hurts but i love it because it truly is giving me a glimpse of what the Lord sees on a daily basis.

oh life...

2008-11-02T11:51:00.000-08:00

it hit me today. like a ton of bricks.

i'm not going to be spending christmas with my children. i never thought of it before, but as soon as i realized it, my eyes welled with tears and they haven't stopped since. today, i feel like i did when i was on the airplane leaving the country. the pain is real and fresh despite the fact that it has been three and a half months. i can still close my eyes and picture each of the children, the staff members, and johnson. if only i could touch them...if only i could hold them...if only i could laugh with them.

may i learn what it means to embrace this pain rather than pretend like it isn't there, and as i am embracing it, may i also remind myself that i must continue to entrust them into his care.

2008-10-31T12:16:00.000-07:00

"I [have come] to see that it [is] in my brokenness, in my powerlessness, in my weakness that Jesus [is] made strong. It [is] in the acceptance of my lack of faith that God [can] give me faith. It [is] in the embracing of my brokenness that I could identify with others' brokenness. It [is] my role to identify with others' pain, not relieve it." -Henri Nouwen

i think this quote is a quite fitting summary of the week.

it's so interesting to me how the Lord continues to be faithful all the time despite my unfaithfulness. i know that i have by no means been making the Lord the first priority in my life, and as much as i hate it, i cannot change it. however, i'm thankful i finally woke up to that this week. i have been blessed beyond what words can describe this week through unexpected conversations with people, through laughter, through being spontaneous, through chicken curry in baldwin, and through simply being reminded of the fact that i am His beloved.

isn't that just like him to show up in the most unexpected ways?? sort of life in practicum this week...

as i rode in the car with my case manager and client, i couldn't help but laugh when the client called his neighbor an "ass hole" for not sharing his tomatoes with him even though he stole them in the middle of the night. but when i looked deeper at the client, my heart broke into thousands of pieces. i saw a man who was so paranoid he could barely function, i saw a man who wanted to support and love his family so well, but his illness often prevented him from doing so. what would it be like to live a life like his, in constant fear, constant confusion?

her hair was dyed and frizzy. she sat next to my case managers desk with her wrinkled hands folded nicely on her lap, and with her deep and raspy voice she began to explain her story. as i listened to her worries and her struggles, i began to question; why her? why not me? she doesn't deserve this, and how in the world am i going ever going to make a difference in her life; let alone in anyone else's life that i come in contact with in the field of social work?

and then it hit me.

it isn't my responsibility to relieve other people's pain nor could i if i even tried, but i love what i'm doing so much there is no reason i should even question whether or not i am making a difference, because the Lord's plans are far better than mine.

i love where i am at. i love what i am learning. i love being a girl on a journey to draw closer to the Lord each and every day. what a blessing, honor, and privilege it is to know i am His and His alone. who knows where he is going to lead me next...

(i secretly, or not so secretly, hope

and pray that is it back to india...)

2008-10-26T10:31:00.000-07:00

this morning in church we sang Great is Thy Faithfulness. it reminded me of the walk down to the orphanage with Johnson after we asked him what his favorite hymns were.

for a second, when i closed my eyes, i felt like i was back there.

the ache of missing the children and everyone else there has not changed. i suppose all i can do, though, is continue to pray that i will be able to go back there next summer or sometime soon. how sweet it is and will continue to be to trust in the One who is always faithful.

2008-10-17T19:56:00.000-07:00

it seems as though there is something about being home that makes my heart long for india more than ever before. perhaps it's because i have longed to be at home while i've been at school, and now that i am home i am longing to be at my home away from home.

oh how i miss my children...