isn't it simply wonderful how the Lord breaks us of our selfishness to show us that his plans are far bigger and better than what we can imagine?

ashamedly i must admit that God broke me of my selfishness last week over an area that i never, not even in my wildest imagination, pictured myself being selfish in.

you see, God had opened the door for me to go back to india for a period of time time summer, but suffice it to say, i was trying to work off of my own agenda, and ended up coming up with just about every excuse in the book to not go. and then God reminded me of my prayer: "God, if this is not what you want for me to do this summer, please just shut the door." and as i look back on it, i can see that it was me who was trying to shut the door because i know how heart breaking it's going to be to only be at the orphanage for a few days rather than a month or six weeks. but the thought of holding Nanthini in my arms as she jabbers to me in tamil, and hearing sweet Sathitya's laugh, and seeing Abirami's, Jeyabala's, Perimila's, Soundarya's, Rathika's, Saranya's, Sasi Kala's smiles reminded me of why my heart is where it is.

so with all of that to say...i'm looking forward to this unexpected, yet perfect detour. and what a blessing to know that there is no better place than in the Will and Hand of the one i call Abba.

one year ago today, my life was altered. the man who has impacted my life the most, other than my dad, went home to be with the Lord. and it's still interesting to me that he had that much of an impact on my life when i only spent six weeks with him.

Johnson truly taught me so much about sacrifice and what leaving a legacy can look like. this man was in line to become a Bishop in India. a Bishop in India is a rather large deal...but he gave this up to start the orphanage where i have spent the last two summers. he started off the orphanage on a dirt floor under a thatched roof with just a few kids who were in need. he shared multiple times that snakes fell from ceiling and all kinds of heart wrenching stories that involved kids that came to live with him and his wife as this newly founded children's home.

but Johnson shared more than his stories with me. Johnson shared his heart. Johnson shared his heart with me by the stories he shared, the jokes he cracked, the way he protected me from the lizards and other various insects, through his example of studying the Word every morning, through him singing different hymns, the way he loved the children at the orphanage, through his willingness to laugh with me, and by the way he loved me.

it still absolutely breaks my heart to know that Johnson, my beloved Thattha, is no longer here on the earth. it breaks my heart to know that he won't be at my wedding, and it breaks my heart that he isn't there with the children every day.

but i continue to be thankful for the impact Johnson had on my life and so many others throughout the course of his lifetime. Johnson allowed the Lord to take him as an ordinary man and mold him into an extraordinary man who lived a life of sacrifice, obedience, faithfulness, patience, gentleness, and love.

what an example.

what a privilege to have known him.

what a blessing it will be to be able to tell my children stories about him someday.

what an honor to have been impacted by him.

and what a joyful reunification it will be when we are walking on the streets of gold together, laughing at his jokes as his belly jiggles, sipping on indian coffee while eating biscuits, and worshipping our Lord and Savior.

and i say that, because i, too, have faith that he and i will meet again.

as i sit in my living room this afternoon, i am thankful for the reality that my laundry is in the washing machine, my room is semi clean, and i have a moment to breathe. it's the simple things that i'm continuing to learn to appreciate.

life over the past month and a half has flown by. i can hardly believe that february is half over. and i feel like some big things have happened.

on january 8th, daniel asked for my hand in marriage. and it really couldn't have been more perfect. although he made me tromp through the snow and my feet got really wet and cold, being by the lake with snow starting to fall and him asking me to marry him couldn't have been more perfect. and he even arranged for my best friend to be waiting for me at my house when we returned.

and now the wedding date has been set, july 31, and plans have begun to fall in place. amidst the wedding planning though, i've also started taking a class called perspectives on the world christian movement on tuesday nights, carrying a full caseload with my job, continuing to learn how to balance friends, family, and my now fiance, and feel like i'm in the process of learning so much.

this class that i am taking on tuesday nights i've been hearing about since i was in high school since it's the class that completely transformed my dad's thinking and what opened the door for him to become involved in mission work. the past four classes have continued to develop my passion for mission work and have really challenged my thinking about why missions exist.

beyond missions existing because it's a mandate that has come from Christ, we've talked in class about how missions exists because worship doesn't. and if you think about it, it's so true. mission work exists because the ultimate goal is for every tribe, tongue, and nation to hear the gospel so that they can worship the one true God.

in our culture i think it's so easy to get away from the fact of worshipping Christ and remembering that everything we do should bring God glory. because that's what life is all about; glorifying Christ.

and as i've had to face these truths i've really struggled with how i am doing that in my work place and with my clients. i go to people's houses, i listen to their stories, i teach them skills they can use to equip them to live better lives (or so i hope), and i play a rather active role in their lives for a period of time. and that so much resembles Jesus's ministry when he was living. He went to people, he mentored people, he taught people, and he played a rather active role in people's lives physically when he was living.

but i've struggled with how i can show Christ better to my clients. i've struggled with how my life looks different than other non-christians around me. i've struggled with trying to figure out if people can see a difference in me and if they can't, what i need to do different. i've struggled with knowing that i haven't verbally shared the Gospel with someone in quite some time even though i guarantee i see people on a daily basis who aren't Christians. and i'm still trying to process through how to handle all of that.

my best friend and i are reading through a book right now by Francis Chan. it's called Forgotten God. and it's been a book that has completely transformed my thinking, and if i'm allowed to speak for her, i would say hers too. but this book is all about the Holy Spirit and about how as Christians we tend to forget of how active of a part He plays in our lives.

so as we've been reading through this book we've engaged in many conversations about how we want our lives to exemplify we have the Holy Spirit living within us and how we're on a journey to understand more of what that looks like. and how this intentionality of discovering Him doesn't happen over night, but that the journey will be well worth it.

and that's the journey i'm on right now. because, i think that if i can come to an understanding of what it looks like to be more sensitive to the Holy Spirit, i will bring God more glory with hopes of playing just a little part of expanding His Kingdom if He chooses to use me in that manner.

23 years; 23 things that bring me joy:

(in no particular order...)

1. my children in India

2. sunrises & sunsets.

3. morning drives to work.

4. more than 7 hours of sleep.

5. my relationship with the Lord.

6. my job and the opportunities it gives me to love others well.

7. my best friend.

8. finding joy in reading and other simple things.

9. being organized.

10. laughter.

11. children.

12. my years at All Ages II.

13. my family.

14. real, honest, and vulnerable conversations.

15. learning and growing.

16. speaking truth and truth spoken.

17. seeing transformations taking place in people's lives.

18. daniel.

19. my years in college.

20. being able to share my heart for the lost, lonely, broken, unsaved, and hurting with others.

21. smiles.

22. having a superior memory.

23. life and all that is to come with it.

as i sit in my living room on this Christmas Eve morning, basking in not having to go to work, sipping on a cup of coffee, and watching the pictures of my beautiful children in India scroll by on my computer screen, i've come to the conclusion that there really are no words to describe the array of emotions whirling around in my mind and heart.

reflecting on this past year there have been so many blessings, challenges, joys, and trials that have occurred in my life, and as i think back on all of them during this Christmas season i am overwhelmed with how sovereign, gracious, perfect, patient, loving, powerful, and holy my God is--the same God who started his life born in a stable, sleeping in a manger.

(perhaps this post is coming about a week early, and should have been a post for the new year...but no matter...)

these last twelve months have literally flown by. last year at this time, i was on Christmas break from school and knew i had a few more weeks of freedom after Christmas to just relax. i hadn't even started my internship, the place where i am now employed full time. while i knew graduation was imminent, it seemed far off in the distance; but it came quicker than anticipated. i had no idea what i was going to do with my life, where i was going to find a job, where i was going to be living, and i hated the unknown. but before i knew it, i was sitting on an airplane, flying halfway around the world to the country where a large part of my heart continues to remain. my time there proved to be life-changing once again, but it wasn't long enough. i can still feel the sting of the tears that formed in my eyes when i had to say "see you later" to the children and staff at the orphanage, because saying good-bye just wasn't an option. my sister's wedding soon followed my arrival back in the states, as did my best friend returning to my Alma matter. and soon after that, i began coaching my team of 8th grade girls in volleyball which allowed me to spend quality time with my beautiful cousin who is amazing at the sport that was so dear to my heart during my junior high and high school years. (and i don't just say that because she's my cousin either). and during volleyball season, i took on a full time position at the place i had my internship working with families and children; my dream job out of college. and the past three months is full of a myriad of activities that still consists of balancing time between working full time, spending time with friends and family, sleeping, and trying to learn how to take care of myself.

it seems like all the changes that took place over the last twelve months are almost too much to have happened in one year, but i have a feeling that it's only the beginning of being an adult. and even though a lot of the changes that took place were hard, i can't even begin to describe how much i have learned.

and as much as all of the changes just mentioned were mainly good, this year, like i said, didn't come without trials or challenges. after christmas and up until february 21st, i went through the process of knowing i was going to lose a man very near and dear to my heart. and as everyone who reads my blog is aware, my thattha passed away on february 21st. i miss him dearly still to this day, and am reminded at this Christmas season how much of an impact he has had on my life. and while graduation was the ending of a chapter in my life that had to be finished, leaving the place i had come to call home over the past four years also didn't come without tears. and there are so many other things that i have to had to learn from and work through--such as heart wrenching client stories, experiencing empathy on a different level, dealing with other people's jealousy, and the list could continue.

but i am thankful for the way the Lord protected me, loved me well, and held me tight when the tears wouldn't stop. and i am thankful He trusts me to handle the things he hands to me more than i trust myself.

what a blessing it has been to walk through this year with Him hand in hand, and to let him perfectly ordain my steps. and i am sure...that next year at this time, there will be just as many changes that have occurred in my life, and for that, i am grateful.

but, until then, be blessed and bless God. remember to keep Christ in Christmas, and to seek how you can fully make this Christmas a full worship experience.

it's always a good indication when i sigh heavily before clicking the "new entry" button for a new post that i'm overdue for a posting.

regardless. these past few weeks have continued to be filled with work, friends, family, boyfriend, and sleep where i can fit it in. i just managed to start my Christmas shopping on saturday and feel like my next three weekends are already overflowing with things that i am suppose to be at and with things i need to do, but somehow, it will all get done. it always does. not going to lie though, sometimes i wish i was about seven again around this Christmas season so that i could just bask in the Christmas traditions and the spirit of Christmas without the stress. i think i've just decided to make my goal this week to not stress out about anything in regards to Christmas--no stress about gifts, no stress about making time for all the get togethers, and no stress about money. and, i'm going to figure out how i can worship more fully during this too. (and this i part of the reason i blog, to process through things to come up with goals like that!)

also, over the past few weeks, i'd be lying if i said my heart didn't long for India. i think that around Christmastime every year will probably be harder than other times of the year, because i think everyone can relate to wanting to be with their families at Christmas and since the children, staff, and helen are considered my family, i want to be with them. i can't imagine a more perfect Christmas than to share that day with them; to be able to laugh with the children all day, to sing songs, to eat with them, and to know at the end of the day i've given them all they really want for Christmas...love. And that they, too, have given me all i really want for Christmas...love.

my heart has been leaping at the thought of going back to India this summer, even if it's just for a week to ten days. who knows if it's a possibility or if anything will come to fruition, but in the worst way, i want it to. i even am longing to feel sticky and sweaty after playing with the children on a hot day, to see the lizards on the wall, to eat with my fingers, to wear skirts, and so many other things. my passion for the hurt and lost and lonely overseas was rekindled over the last few weeks when i realized that i essentially had been supressing it since i know that now that is not where i am suppose to be. it seemed easier for the last few months to not think about how much my heart longs to be overseas...but as i've allowed myself to admit to other people how much i want to be overseas my joy has been restored. and as i've allowed myself to dream what it can look like in a few years, i can't wait for the Lord to reveal it to me. perhaps it might consist of living in huts in a village...who knows what God has in store. but it makes me smile to think about.

in the mean time, though, i'm going to continue striving to love on the hurt, lost, and lonely i come across each and every day in my job...and trust that this is just part of God's plan in my life story of expanding His Kingdom.

every morning as i drive to work, i pass a church on the left hand side of the road right past an elementary school. i've read the faded sign a few times and from what i can recall it says "homeland mission". the reason this sticks out in my mind so vividly is not because the sign is faded or because the church is beautiful, in fact, the only side i see as i'm driving in is the backside, but what causes this to stick out to me is the line of people that are outside the doors every morning. i, obviously, haven't gotten a good look at any of their faces to know if they frequent there often, but i've noticed the numbers vary as well as the ages of the people. and as i drive past these people every morning, i think to myself, "what are these people's stories? why are they where they are?" and as i keep driving past, i often will utter a simple sentence or two prayer, "Lord, would you meet these people where they are at? be their comfort in whatever their situation may be." in all reality, i probably will never hear these people's stories...i will probably never hear why they are where they are, but i am thankful for the opportunity i've been given to pray for them as i drive past every morning, and i will continue to be thankful for it in all the days to come.

regardless, life continues flying by. i can hardly believe that thanksgiving is next week, and that means that christmas is right around the corner. it's also hard for me to believe that i've been working for almost two months now; i suppose that's a good thing, though, knowing that it's gone by so quickly and i still enjoy coming to work every day, even though i always wish i could sleep just a little bit more.

and as life continues flying by, change seems to continue to be the common theme. maybe not change so much, maybe adapting would be a better word to describe where i'm at in life?

i remember when i was in college and living by my day planner...it seemed that every hour of every day was scheduled, between classes, meetings, dinner, lunch, and coffee dates with friends, and everything else that fell in between. and, if i'm being completely honest, even though i was queen of making everything fit into a day, i had to learn what it meant to slow down and not make myself so busy. and that wasn't something i learned on my own, by any means, but something that many people would come to me and say, "you are doing too much, you can't do this, slow down, take care of yourself." sometimes i would laugh, other times i would get mad because i knew they were right, but no matter, i learned by the time i graduated what it looked like to be able to have things scheduled but still be able to be spontaneous.

and now that i am working full time, i kind of feel like i'm a freshman or sophomore in college again having to relearn what it looks like to balance time. And not only do i feel like i am having to relearn how to balance time but i feel like i'm having to relearn what it means to be spontaneous. i've said multiple times to my closest friends, "i feel stretched too thin..."

and it's not anyone's fault that i feel stretched too thin, it's a matter of the fact that i don't feel like there is enough time in one day to do all the things i want to do nor is there enough time in one day to do all the things i want to do. while my schedule with work is fairly flexible, the reality that i'm still working on average 8-9 hours a day remains. so, 8-9 hours at work, 1 hour commute (30 minutes each way), 1 hour to get ready in the morning, that alone right there takes up 10-11 hours. and then the next biggest part of my day would be sleeping which usually amounts to 7 hours. so 17-18 hours of my day is accounted for basically no matter what. and that leaves 6-7 hours a day...which may kind of seem like a lot, but i've come to learn very quickly that it isn't. 6-7 hours does not give me enough time for me to see all the friends i want to see, have the quality time i want to have with my parents, stay caught up with friends who don't live around here, spend time with the Lord, or really put the kind of effort i'm used to exerting on anything else. and i hate it.

you know the analogy about the jar and putting the rocks in first, and then the ping pong balls, and then the pebbles, and then the sand everything will fit in? well, i'm not entirely sure i believe that analogy as much anymore. at this point, i feel like the most important things have been put in my jar, and then the next most important things have come in after, and so on, but i feel like the sand still won't fit and it's over flowing. and i hate that feeling.

i hate the feeling that i have that i can't put more effort into my friendships and that people aren't getting the time they need or deserve, and i hate that i haven't been able to figure out how to fix it. i'm sure in time i'll figure it out or in time it will work itself out and it won't be as big of a deal as it is now, but it's just such an adjustment in the present moment.

and as i'm trying to figure all of THAT out, i feel like i'm also trying to figure out what it looks like to make sure God doesn't just get my leftovers, because that's so easy to do. it's so easy to crawl into bed at night and read my Bible because i feel obligated and to read it so i can check off my daily reading. but, that's not what reading my Bible is supposed to be about. reading my Bible is supposed to be about letting the Lord communicate with me through it and learning what it means to become more like my Savior. and how in the world is that supposed to happen when my goal is to just "get it done" so i can set my Bible back on my nightstand, turn off my light, send a few last minute text messages, and fall asleep? well it doesn't happen, i will be the first to attest to that...

needless to say, my eyes have been opened a lot in this past week of changes that need to be made, and it's not necessarily the easiest thing to do. worth it in the end? i believe so, absolutely. but for the time being, there are some bumps in the road that are making it difficult to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

life continues to amaze me, and i am so thankful for the journey i'm on and have been on. there's never a dull moment, but even if there was, i don't think i would be content with it. so for now, i'll continue to choose to find joy in the times that don't seem to be the most joyful, and i'll continue to try to discover what all the Lord is teaching me in the midst of the craziness occuring around me.

what a privilege it is to be His chosen and His beloved, even though He knows all of my imperfections, insecurities, and inadequacies...