Priorities

I feel like I start every post out with something to the effect of "So....it's been awhile."  This time, though, I'm neglecting that, because let's be honest, it's obvious.

But hello, JULY.  Where has this year gone?  I can officially say I graduate with my MSW next month. Alleluia...

The real reason for this post, though, is to write out some of the lessons God has been teaching me lately.  So, if you are wanting a super fun mom post about my sweet and adorable daughter, maybe next time (for the maybe 3 of you who read this...).  I will say, she is still sweet and adorable even if she is super ornery. :)

Here I go...back in May, I believe, I was at a mission committee meeting and the head of the mission committee mentioned that he had received a request for a female speaker from our church to go to India to speak at a conference that was being put on.  My stomach did a flip, and not that I hadn't paid attention the whole meeting because I had, but I began to listen even more intently.  He went on to say that he had already asked another couple to go from our church but that there may be a possibility for another couple from the church to go along with them.   I had two reactions to that...1. I was disappointed to some degree that I wasn't asked but 2. I went right on in to thinking that maybe Dan and I were suppose to be the other couple to go.

So I went home, and talked with Dan about everything and we began praying.  To make a long story short,  we talked to a few people, let them know our interest and kind of put the fleece out there to see if God would do anything with it.   Dan and I continued praying though and asking God to guide and direct us...

Eventually, we found out a few things, that the conference that was going to be happening had expanded and was going to last another day and that there was opportunity for involvement, but not necessarily a need.  So this really kind of shifted where Dan and I were thinking and what we were thinking to maybe the conference really wasn't where we were suppose to be involved. 

We continued covering this in prayer and asking God to open doors or shut doors and really to just lead and guide us.  And right now, things are still up in the air as to what is going to happen, but I know God is never late and He is always on time.

So that's the basic background.

In the midst of all of this, I really feel like God used the conference to open up my heart, mind, and eye to my desire to serve Him internationally and show me that there is a need and possibility for me to be involved.  To some degree, I feel like, I have been so focused on my MSW and being a new mom that I put my desire to be involved in missions on a back burner and not that it wasn't still a priority to me, it was a "I just can't do that right now" (that being traveling) type of thing.

But I can...and if God is calling me to it, then I must be obedient regardless of the cost.

The big dilemma, though, was and has been Eliana.  From the get-go, I was like, "Yes, this is perfect, Eliana is under 2 she will still fly for free, she's going with us".  I was dead set on it, ask my parents.  I had it all planned out in my mind that we would pack diapers and it would be perfect because if we bought any thing during our time there we would have room to bring them back.  I had also thought through what food we would need to take for her to survive for the 2.5 weeks we would be gone, what outfits would still fit her at that time of year depending on the temperature where we were at, etc.  You know, my OCD, type A personality was in full swing.

And then, in a conversation with Dan and my parents, I realized how much work it would be to travel with her.  And not only how much work it would be, but how miserable she would be with the time change, how frustrated I could possibly be to not be able to participate in meetings or going to different villages, etc. if I had to stay back with her.  And how taking her really could limit how effective I could be for the Kingdom.  (Dan and I even went as far to talk about who could go with us as a babysitter...)  But I struggled with the idea of leaving her SO much.  I have NEVER left her and really had no intention of leaving her until I have my next child.  I love being a mom and I love spending time with her, so it just made sense to me, at first, that I was taking her with me.  But it was during that conversation that God really began working on my heart.

I wrestled with God about this for a week or so before I really laid it at his feet and said, "God, I don't know that I can do this...I don't know that I can leave her.  What do you want?"  And you know those times where God probably laughs at you for asking a question like that or is just waiting for the perfect opportunity to tell you what He has (probably) been trying to tell you for awhile?  Yeah...it was one of those times for me.

He said to me, "She's not yours anyway.  She's mine."

WOAH.  (Of course He didn't stop there...)

And then he went on to say, "If I can sacrifice my Son for you, you can sacrifice 16 days with her to expand My Kingdom."

DOUBLE WOAH.

Maybe woah is not the right word, but I'm not sure what is.  However, He sure did get my attention. 

Eliana Joy, my precious daughter whom I am so in love with, is not mine.  She is HIS.  He is letting me borrow her, letting me raise her, letting me live my dream of being a mom.  But ultimately, I must commit her and my parenting to Him.

It was at that point, where I truly feel God showed me that, yes, while it is going to be painful to leave her (if the trip comes to fruition), my first priority must be honoring Him in all that I do.  My first priority is not being a mom or a wife, my first priority is being a daughter of the King.  Daughter of the Almighty.  And if I want to truly set an example for Eliana of what it means to live a life fully devoted to Him, I cannot ignore when he calls me to obedience even if it is hard or feels impossible.

So, as excited as I am for the possibility of serving the Lord in this manner, it does not come with out pain.  I still struggle with guilt and doubt, but I know that is the evil one trying to steal my joy and distract me from what God has in store.  But I must trust.  I must walk forward knowing that the safest place to be is in the hand of God.  And that goes for me, and my daughter.

Apparently I haven't uploaded any new pictures of Eliana onto my computer since this was taken in March.  I do love this picture, though :) 

Anyway, I've been thinking lately about a lot of things.  Perhaps it is because Mother's Day is on Sunday or perhaps it's just because I am me and I think a lot.  But, I just feel the need to say how blessed I am.  I have been so overwhelmed at the goodness of God and his blessings in my life over the past few weeks, it almost brings me to tears.  And the few of you who read this blog, you know that is a big deal because I am not someone who usually cries easily.  It's almost one of those times in life where I feel like things are going so well that I am almost anticipating something bad happening, and I hate that I think like that.  So I am praying that the Lord helps me to change my thinking and that He just allows me to relish in the blessings He has given me.  This is a good time to remember that my life verse (picked out in high school) is Matthew 6:34; "Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow for tomorrow will worry about itself, each day has enough trouble of its own."

Amen.

But seriously, I am so thankful for where I am at in life and for where how God is leading me.  Most nights, I go to bed tired from caring for an energetic, ornery, and hilarious one year old, but my heart overflows with love for her.  Most nights, I want to go in and wake her up to play with her some more or go in and put her in bed with me so that I can have a few extra snuggles.  I restrain myself, and my husband refuses to let me.  It's hard to believe how fast this year has gone by with her, and during the no sleep/cry all the time phase, there were times that I wondered if we would ever make it through.  But we did and now I only have faint memories of what that was like.  (That can only be from God...trust me.)

I don't think I have ever worked so hard at something in my life, though.  Yes, it absolutely brings me the most joy I have ever experienced, but getting to where we are now has been some HARD work.  And, it amazes me that after all that hard work, I still want more kids--as many as my husband will let me have, actually.  Even if they are all as difficult as Eliana as infants and as stubborn as she is now, it is worth it and I will survive.  Only by the grace of God, but that makes it worth it.

Through this joy that I have been experiencing and feeling, I have realized how passionate I am about being a mom and a wife and just my family in general.  But through this growing passion of mine, I have realized that there are sacrifices that have been made and that will continue having to be made in the years to come.

(Confusing yet?...Most of the time I confuse myself, but bear with me.)

You see, my husband asked me the other night how my internship was when I got home as I trying to get dinner around for Eliana.  (Have I mentioned that she is one of the pickiest eaters ever and has texture issues?  She may live on toasted cheese for the rest of her life...)  And I responded with, "It was fine."  Because it was just that...fine.  And he said something to the effect that, "You know, the one difference I have noticed between your internship and your previous job is that you are not nearly as excited about what you are doing now as what you were.  When you were working you would talk non-stop about how your day went and now your response is just that it was fine." 

Woah...for one, I was shocked that he was that observant and for two, I had never thought about it like that.  But he was right.  (And man I hate when he is right...ha.  Kidding, kind of.)  I really enjoy what I am doing, but counseling is much different than what I did previously.  And it isn't as "exciting" if that term can be used loosely.  (I mean in a counseling office you typically don't have to deal with cockroaches, lice, or people giving you obscene amounts of parenting advice after their children have been removed by the state.)  And there is a part of me that misses that...I know, I know, I'm crazy, but I do.  And I probably always will.

Now, I am sure that some of you are like, why will you always miss it?  Why can't you just go back to it?  Well, I could, I am sure, but I have to ask myself at what cost would it be for me to go back to it?  And, that cost of sacrificing time with my little girl and my family is just not worth it because after my relationship with the Lord the thing I am most passionate about is my family.  And then, if I actually made a list of the things I am passionate about, the third thing I am passionate about it helping other people.  And in counseling, I am still helping other people, just in a different way than I was doing previously. 

Obviously, I am well aware that God can move mountains and open that door for the "perfect" job where I could still work intensively with other people or change my thinking in some way or another, but if He doesn't, I am content.  Not complacent...content.  He has called me to be a lover of Him and a lover of people, and ultimately, I think, feel, and know that is what I am doing.  It may look differently than what I thought it might after I receive my MSW in 15 weeks from Sunday (Alleluia.), but I don't think that is a bad thing.  I think it is a good thing, because He has known the plans for my life all along.

And that is yet another reason that my heart overflows with thankfulness and praise.  So who knows, besides Him, where I will be in 3 years, 5 years, 15 years or even 50 years...but I know that as long as I keep my passions, God, family, and others in order, I will always be blessed in ways beyond my wildest dreams.

 

 

Just a few pictures from the last month.  This little girl is the sweetest thing; not that I am biased or anything.  I cannot believe that I have already started thinking about first birthday plans...the year has gone TOO fast.  This month Eliana has learned: how to play Pat-a-cake, shake her head no, where her mouth is, how to make a funny noise with her tongue, walk behind her push train, where the bathroom is, how to crawl onto the bottom shelf of her changing table, how to play a game on the Ipad, and I am sure there are other things.  She has little to no desire to eat babyfood anymore and prefers what we are eating; she is known to beg.  And sleeping is still a struggle, though we have been improving.  (Fingers crossed that it continues!)  She still usually naps three times a day because she hasn't figured out how to lengthen her morning and afternoon nap to avoid having to go down that third time.  We have also started turning the TV off more during the day and the radio on so that she is not distracted (this girl LOVES her Disney Junior), and we play very intentionally with her during this time (not that we don't play with her when the TV is on because we do, but this is when we try to teach her new tricks!).  She is enthralled by her books, and if we are sitting with her in the chair and say, "Eliana, do you want to read a book?"  She will lean over the side of the chair and laugh for a second, and then if you don't get a book from the basket to read, she will start to cry.  Or if she wants to be read to she will pick up a book from the floor and cry until you pick her and the book up and read to her.  (Her favorites are Stinky Face, Book Book Book, God Knows All About Me, and Circus Parade.)  She has also discovered the joy of turning pages and very rarely will let anyone turn a page for her now.  I cannot imagine what this next month has in store for us, but I know we are itching to get outside!  Eliana giggles every time we walk over to the door to go outside :)

 

In other news, Dan started his job full time mid-way through February on night shift.  This is a huge answer to prayer, but it has taken some adjusting on my part as I am learning how to be brave at night by myself :) Thankfully my parents are only 5 minutes away...that makes me feel safer!  I'm still at my internship 3 days a week, sometimes more depending on the week, and I am thoroughly enjoying it.  I am anxious to be done with school all together, but it will be here before I know it.  Nothing else is new besides me starting to make headbands for Eliana and trying to get an etsy site up and running to see if anyone else is interested in them!  Oh, and anticipating the arrival of my two NEPHEWS and a couple other pretty special babies too.  (Two are due to make their appearances in May, one in July and one in August.)

That's all for now :)

I love this girl.  I got a new camera for Christmas, and I am slightly obsessed with taking pictures of my sweet Eliana.  This year is full of new things for us besides a new camera.  I started my internship on January 7th that will last until mid-end August for my MSW.  Dan will be starting full time on his paramedic job in February.  There is likely a small business venture that I am going to undertake just because...(I know, I have all the free time in the world, right?!)  And daily Eliana is learning new things! 

She is a master crawler; she pulls up on all the furniture and scales around it.  She loves to feed herself.  She never sits still.  She enjoys pulling all of the books from the second shelf out of Mommy and Daddy's bookcase.  She likes Mickey Mouse Clubhouse still, but prefers Doc McStuffins more now.  When she's standing holding on to something, if you say "bouncy, bouncy, bouncy", she will bounce.  If there is music on and she is standing holding on to something, if you say, "Eliana, can you dance?" she will dance, but it looks a lot like bouncing.  She loves her books and laughs when we get them out to read to her.  She got her first tooth on her 9 month birthday; her second is trying to make its appearance.  She just learned how to give kisses this morning.  She loves being held, loves her peach blanket, and loves puffs.  She's ornery, and she's still a fairly miserable sleeper.  But, boy, is she loved.  :)

I am so blessed...

Today I turned 26.  My husband told me today I am old; I kindly reminded him I will never be as old as he is.  And let's be honest, 26 is not old, he just likes to make a big deal that I'm closer to 30 than 20 because he thinks it will freak me out or something.  Anyway, I have been thinking of my birthday thankful list for a few weeks, so here I go:

1.  My relationship with the Lord; He is always constant, never fails, and always gives me what I need right when I need it.  He has been faithful this year is so many ways.
2.  My Husband; I have fallen more in love with him this year as we have started our family and we have had to learn to work together on a completely different level.  He is the best daddy, he loves me unconditionally, he willingly helps me out around the house, he is a phenomenal cook, he laughs at my jokes, he is a spiritual leader, he is a hard worker, and so much more. 
3.  Eliana Joy; God truly did answer with joy when he gave me her.  Although she has been one of the most difficult babies I have ever known in my entire life, she is the sweetest thing.  Her smile melts my heart and her laugh makes me well up with joy.  Snuggling with her is one of my favorite things, and reading to her is equally as fun.  My days are far happier with her in them.
4.  My mom; she has willingly sacrificed so much to help care for Eliana.  She is offers a listening ear whenever I need it (even at 2 a.m. to complain that my child does not sleep), she encourages me, she also laughs at my jokes, she set an amazing example for me as to how to be a mom, she hangs out with me, she loves being a grandma, and so much more...
5.  My dad; he has sacrifice time with his wife to allow her to care for Eliana.  He makes me laugh, he makes sure our house is in working order, he picks things up in town when I need them, he checks to make sure I am doing ok, he loves being a grandpa, he, too, laughs at my jokes, he loves being a grandpa he sets an amazing example of what it means to be a fool for Christ, and so much more
6.  My sister and niece; I just love them.  My sister gets me and we share so many memories together, and my niece is just the sweetest thing you'll ever meet. 
7.  A good relationship with the in-laws; my husband and I have talked multiple times this year about how thankful we are that we get along with both sides of the family.  It makes things so much easier.
8.  To have been able to stay home with Eliana since she was born; God has been so faithful in providing, and I know I will never get these months back.  I cherish them with ever fiber of my being.
9.  To almost be done with my MSW program; I start my internship in less than 2 weeks, and while I may not be excited about leaving Eliana, I am thankful to almost be done and that I am doing my internship 15 minutes from my house instead of 35 and that I got to set my hours.
10.  My friends; God, again, has been so faithful this year with the friendships He has allowed me to make and keep.  There have been so many difficult days with a seemingly impossible baby and I have a couple friends who just "get it" because they've been there.  It's so encouraging to know there is hope.  And then there are other friends who don't have babies but love Eliana so well and still love me well even though my days and time is consumed with caring for her.
11.  Community Bible Experience; for lack of a better word, small groups, from our church read through the New Testament in an 8 week time frame; I loved it because it not only gave me a focus for reading the Bible, but going to group each week taught me more about the scripture and made me hunger for more of God's word.
12.  Living in close proxemity to my parents; some people may say that 5 minutes away from your parents is too close.  I simply love it.  It has been so nice since having Eliana to be able to run over there with her really fast if I need something, for someone to run home if I forget something, or for my mom to run over here if I need her to look at a mysterious rash on Eliana's body.
13.  Our Pediatrician; might seem kind of crazy to be thankful for that, but I am.  I have just been genuinely impressed with her; she personally has called me back every time I have called the doctor except for one time, she looked out for Eliana's best interest even though she kept her in the NICU longer than what I thought was necessary, and she took concern when she saw how Eliana was acting as an infant before we got her reflux/colic situation figured out.
14.  Volleyball; helping coach this year again not only allowed me to build my friendship with one of my best friends, but it also allowed me to invest in the girls' lives.  I love them all to pieces, and it is a privilege to coach girls who have character
15.  My job at FBS; working as a Family Behavioral Specialist for nearly 3 years has left a lasting impact on my heart.  I miss my clients on a daily basis, and I am thankful that I was able to invest in their lives and do what I did for as long as I did.  I am also thankful for the stories that I will forever have from them.
16.  My experiences in India; while I have not been since before I got married, I forever treasure my time there.  Not only did I meet some of the most precious individuals ever, but God shaped my heart for the nations there.  He taught me so much about who He is and what His desires are there as well, and I am forever changed because of it.
17.  The ability to dream for the future; from what our next house will look like, to how many children we will have, from what job I will land after my MSW, to whether or not we will move oveseas
18.  Couponing/Saving money; while I have always been frugal (some say a tight wad) I have learned to appreciate using coupons and price match and am thankful for the opporutnity to save a little money and have fun doing it!
19.  Facebook/Cell phone; keeping in touch with people is such a privilege.  I think we take it forgranted and abuse the way it has evolved by being too addicted.  I don't want to ever depend on it, but I am thankful that I have it as a means to say hi to those I love and to show those who live far away pictures of Eliana.
20.  That my dream of becoming a mom has come true; this really goes hand in hand with Eliana, but seriously, I have wanted to be a mom my entire life, and I love it.  Sure, it gets hard, especially with a child who doesn't sleep, but what a gift it is to be entrusted to raise her.
21.  A clean house; this always makes me feel so accomplished and satisfied.  I'm not sure why, but it does.  And I probably appreciate it more this year because it doesn't happen often with a baby and grad school
22.  IWU; I LOVED college, LOVED it.  And I feel like the four years I was there I learned so much about myself and loving others; I would not be who I am today without it.  And honestly, I am sure it has more to do with the people I met while I was there, but either way, I am thankful.
23.  Our Church; I love going to church on Sunday.  I just do...I might love it at another church, but I am thankful this is where God has us now and for the relationships we have built and for the freedom we have to even go to church to worship our Lord and Savior.
24.  Merom; the 17 or so years I went to church camp with my family are some of the best memories ever.  The relationships I built there I truly believe are eternal, and I am forever grateful for the time I was there and the ways God used that to shape me into who I am.
25.  A sense of humor; I seriously would not have made it this year without a sense of humor.  My motto a lot of days has been laugh so you don't cry. 
26.  For another year to bring honor to God, be with my family, watch Eliana grow, follow where the Lord leads, make memories and love others.

I am seriously so blessed...
Happy 26th birthday to me. 

Also, I rescued a cat from the barn below our house today.  I am thankful for that too...we will see if it sticks around. :)

I really should be sleeping; however, tonight, sleep eluded me as I lay in bed.  I am not sure how and I am not sure why because last night between 11:00 p.m. and this morning at 6:40 a.m. I was up approximately 5 times, feeding Eliana twice, rocking her once, giving her her pacifier once, and putting her in bed with me another time.  I suppose I will blame the coffee I had this morning for the first time in 15 months.

But tonight, I am overwhelmed with thankfulness to the point of being giddy.

Tomorrow Eliana will be seven months old, yes seven months.  I am not sure where the time has gone, but I do know that these seven months have been the best months of my life.  I have waited for what has seemed like an eternity to be a mom, and I love every second of it.  Sure, I have my moments where I want to throw myself a pity party for the simple fact that I have not slept through the night in 15 months, that my daughter typically only takes 30 minute naps, and that she refuses to sit still for me to cut her fingernails.  But tonight, I am thankful for every last minute of being her mom--in the good times, frustrating times, joyous times, heartbreaking times, and never-want-to-forget-these-moments times.  If I could have, I would have crawled in her crib with her just to get an extra snuggle in with her today for I know she will not be little forever.  But I didn't because, alas, my daughter is a horrible sleeper; one day, though, I have no doubt in my mind that I will crawl in bed with her just because I can.

Each night I pray over my sweet girl--I pray that she would come to know Jesus and love him with her whole heart, that she would serve him, honor him, and tell others about him.  I pray that God would continue giving me the strength and endurance I need to raise her to the best of my ability, that He would teach me how to raise her in a God honoring way, and I thank him each night that he has chosen me and Dan to raise her even if at times we feel like we do not know what we are doing.  (I also pray for straight sleep--tonight I prayed for five hours.  I mean, we serve a big God who cares even about the sparrows, I know He cares for me and my lack of sleep...)

But tonight, it hit me.  It hit me that I think God smiles at me an awful lot when He sees how much my Type A personality has been changed.  Albeit, reluctantly, but it has had to change.  My house is not immaculate any longer, in fact, I could write my name in the dust on my coffee table.  There are two loads of laundry that need to be folded; one of which has needed to be folded for nearly five days.  There is another basket of clothes of Eliana's that needs to be put away that has been sitting in my living room for over a week, dishes that need to be washed and others that need put in the dish washer; my bed does not get made every day any longer, and I'm lucky if it gets made once a week.  I have no shame in not showering every day or wearing a shirt or sweats with spit up on it.  My carefree spending days have been put to an end, and I now proudly clip coupons and make it a game for myself to see how much money I can save each week with grocery shopping. 

And I never knew life could be so sweet.

I am in love with being a mom.  I am in love with Eliana.  And I am in love with my husband who does more for me than most could imagine. 

But most importantly, I am in love with the One who has prepared me my entire life for this, who gave me the desire to be a wife and a mom, who has been chipping away at the control I like to have over my life, and who gives me the strength each day when I question my abilities.

I am so undeserving, yet He has chosen me anyway. 

God truly did answer with JOY when He gave me Eliana Joy; I just did not realize how many ways or on how many levels he was going to answer over these last seven months.

So blessed.  So thankful.  So unworthy.

Lord, thank you does not seem like enough, but yet I find myself repeating

it over and over.  You are so good to me, and I praise you for

the ways that you are teaching me and growing me through the fun times

and the not so fun times of motherhood.  Guide me, teach me, and

use me.  You are so worthy.  I love you, Abba.

I love being this little girl's mom.

She's 12 weeks old now, and I cannot believe how fast the time has gone nor how much she has grown and changed.  However, I would be lying if I said that these past 12 weeks have been a walk in the park, because they haven't.  I wouldn't trade any part of our journey thus far for anything, so don't mistake any of the following information for complaining it's just the way things have been.

I think every new mom has expectations of what their little bundle of joy will bring and add to their lives; I know I did.  I'm realistic enough to know that sleeping through the night would be a thing of the past, and because I've never been a good sleeper anyway this didn't seem to bother me.  I was also realistic enough to know that there would be periods of crying and days where I would be unable to take a shower and I was ok with those things too.

However, I was not prepared for the acid reflux, colic, or the desperate need to be held all day every day that Eliana demands.  I was not prepared to not be able to take her places because she screams and screams and screams, and I was not prepared to not be able to do homework without having someone else holding her.  But I was also not prepared for how much love I would feel for her, how much joy it would bring me to see her smile, hear her coo, and to see her respond to me singing to her, reading books to her, and playing with her on her playmat.  She is a gem, and I truly do love being her mom.  But she does hear multiple times a day that she is special because of how demanding she is.

I would be lying if I didn't say I'm looking forward to the day where she will nap on her own for me to get the house picked up, laundry folded or dinner made.  But, for now, it all can wait.  And I will do my best to cherish this time I have with her.  It's hard to not want your baby to do exactly what all the books says they are suppose to do right when they say they are suppose to do it, but what I do know is that this time goes by much too fast to wish it all away.

She is actually sleeping on me right now, but she is sleeping well enough for me to be typing and that is a huge success in itself.  (Of course right as I type that she is stirring, but we'll just go with it.) 

Because of Eliana's demands, I made a decision to not go back to work even part time.  I couldn't stand leaving her knowing that someone else might have to listen to her scream all day, and there was no way I could balance work, school, and her.  So, as hard as it will be not having client interaction, I must remind myself that this too is only for a season and that I did all that I could while I was there to make a difference in the lives of those I came in contact with. 

But for now I must go as the little one is awake and crying and ready to be fed...and let me just tell you, when she wants something she wants it NOW :)

Eliana Joy, you are TWO months! (Well, two months and one week--Aunt Rachel and Cousin Kaelyn were home this last week so Mommy is a little behind in updating this!)  Your daddy and I cannot believe how fast these two months have gone nor can we believe how much of a blessing you are to us.  You are growing by leaps and bounds, and we are so thankful you are ours.

This month you are started smiling at us.  You were 5 1/2 weeks when you gave us your first real smile, but you just recently just started smiling more often.  You are the happiest in the mornings, and you are still exclusively breastfeeding.  Although, you do take a bottle well when Mommy has to go to volleyball or when you stay at home to hang out with Daddy if Mommy  has an errand to run or something.  You are a horrible sleeper--not just at night--all day.  You refuse to sleep during the day unless you are being held which makes it difficult for Mommy to get anything done around the house!  There were a couple weeks this month where you wouldn't even sleep at night unless  Mommy was holding you.  Grandma Janet has been a LIFESAVER and often comes over to hold you for Mommy to do her homework.  She even came over one night when you would NOT sleep for me and let me sleep from 12:30-6:15.  Usually you get up 3 times a night, sometimes 4.  And sometimes more than that.  You still eat about every 2 hours, but sometimes I get lucky and you go 3.  Mommy is still waiting for the day where you sleep longer at night!

Although this month has been full of great memories with you, this month has also been difficult as you started crying A LOT.  We took you to see your pediatrician, and she thought you had reflux so we started you on some Zantac.  It helped for a day, but then we had to try a different medication the next week.  It seemed to help a lot more, but then we went through another week where you just cried, and cried, and cried!  Your pediatrician referred you to Riley to get checked by a GI specialist because she saw how you were screaming during your feedings and didn't feel comfortable treating you without you being seen by someone else.  The specialist essentially just said that it was reflux mixed with some colic and that you would get better with time.  We are all beyond thankful that it was nothing more serious, but, girl, let me tell you--you have some STRONG lungs!  None of us are wanting to wish away these first months with you, but everyone is ready for you to feel better.

This month you also discovered your play mat; you love laying under it listening to the music and watching the mobile and lights.  It's so cute hearing you cooing and making noises at the toys.  You are also obsessed with the ceiling fan!  You love staring at it as we hold you in the chair. 

White noise is still your best friend as it calms you do quite a bit when you are screaming your head off, and we frequently let it run at night with hopes of it helping you sleep.  You actually are still sleeping in Mommy and Daddy's room because you gag and spit up in your sleep sometimes; Mommy is able to hear you better this way and make sure you are ok.  Once you outgrow that we will move you into your nursery.

You still don't get to go out with us much as you just cry usually; Mommy has actually missed the sermons at the church for the past 3-4 weeks because you refuse to stay asleep!  But church is really the only place you go.  Mommy tried to take you shopping with Aunt Rachel, Kaelyn, and Grandma Janet this last week when Aunt Rachel was home and you legitimately screamed the ENTIRE time.  I guess we will have to teach you to love shopping later :)

You are wearing a size ones diaper and have been for all of this month pretty much; you could have worn newborns for another couple weeks, but Mommy and Daddy didn't have anymore so we moved you up to ones because we didn't want to have to buy anymore when we already had ones in the closet!  Mommy was sad, and Daddy was a little sad too!  You are wearing 0-3 month clothes, and a lot of them are still big on you but newborn sleepers are too small because you are so long.  At your doctor appointment at Riley you weight 10 pounds 1 ounce and were nearly 22 inches long.  You are getting so big--I wish I could slow time down!

You also got to meet your new friend Haley as she was born this month; you looked so big compared to her!  Your daddy and I are excited for you girls to grow up together, and I am very hopeful the two of you can be just strong of encouragements to each others as her mommy and I have been to each other over the years.  You girls will surely have fun playing together, though!

Your daddy and I love you so much, and we continually are praying for you to grow up to be a woman after God's own heart.  We are so excited to see the plans He has for you, but do not want to miss out on the time He has given us with you anticipating the future too much.  He has taught us SO much through you already, and we know that He is not done using you in our lives.  I am sure month three will be full of more fun memories, and for that I am thankful.

You are a blessing, and it is a continual privilege to be your mom.  I fall more in love with you every day...you've made my lifelong dream of being a mom come true, and I hope you know I cherish EVERY waking minute with you.  You are simply beautiful, and your daddy and I love you so very much.

Eliana Joy--you are ONE month!

You have brought so much happiness to your daddy and me, and each day we are in awe of you. You are still in newborn diapers, and you have primarily been in newborn clothes.  However, last night you wore a 0-3 month sleeper, and it fit!  You are not the best sleeper unless you are being held, but I really can't complain.  You usually have one stretch during the day or night where you sleep about 3 hours.  When you do sleep, you always have your hands up by your face and you usually have your head resting on your hand or your arm.  You have learned to take a pacifier pretty well which makes mommy and daddy very happy that you have something to soothe yourself, and you LOVE white noise.  When we turn it on for you, you immediately calm down.  You do seem to have a pretty sensitive tummy, so mommy has had to be careful not to eat spices or anything that could irritate you too much or else you cry and cry and cry because your belly hurts.

Everyone says that you look like your daddy still, but you have definitely changed tremendously since you were born.  Your eyes are blue, and the new hair that is coming in is blonde.  You make the funniest noises all the time, and everyone who hears you says that you are the noisiest baby.  You also make some pretty funny faces, and you rarely are still.  You have had lots of visitors this first month, and everyone loves holding you.  You also already know who mommy and daddy are, and sometimes if a lot of people have held you, you cry until mommy or daddy has you back.  You have been a jewel through church the past three Sundays, and everyone always has to come look at you and say how cute you are.

This month has been a whirlwind, and it has gone by so quickly.  You are growing so fast, and while I love watching you change, I am sad knowing you will not always fit so securely nestled in my arms as you do now.  However, I still am treasuring every moment I have with you.  You already make me proud, and I still love you more and more each and every day. 

What a privilege it is to know that God has entrusted your daddy and me to raise you in His ways and to love you unconditionally.  We are so thankful to Him for you now and always.

I love this little girl.

May 13th was my first Mother's Day.  May 13th was also Baby Dedication Sunday at church.  Dan and I made the decision to have Eliana dedicated due to our desire for her to be raised in the church surrounded by Christian Community where she can be loved and supported by fellow brothers and sisters in Christ.  Our hope and desire is that she will grow and learn who Jesus is and that she will fall in love with Him.  Dan and I have been entrusted with a big responsibility, but we are so thankful God chose us to be her parents.  However, we are well aware we cannot raise her effectively on our own and that we need others to not only encourage us but safe people for her to look up to and trust in her future.

In other news, Eliana is continuing to grow, and she is actually four weeks old today.  I cannot believe how fast time is going.  Adjusting to motherhood has been more than I could have ever hoped for, and it was well worth the wait.  On Friday she will be one month old, and I have every intention of updating on Friday with more specifics of what this last month has looked like.

As per usual, it has been awhile.  I couldn't stay caught up with work, school, and life in general let alone keep a blog updated.  But, alas, I am back--and once again, it is my goal to be better and keeping this updated, not only for my sake, but also for the sake of my sweet daughter.

Yes, that is right, folks, Eliana Joy made her entrance into this world on April 18, 2012 at 9:45 p.m. She weighed 7 pounds, 8 ounces and was 22 inches long. There's a lot to her birth story, and I do not want to get too far ahead of myself so let me back track...

Of course Eliana's birth story began from the time she was conceived, but the birth story I am talking about is essentially based off of the weeks leading up to her birth.  For those who are not aware, my pregnancy was rather uneventful, minus the morning sickness and stomach flu.  I had no problems with blood sugar or blood pressure; I was able to work and maintained a rather busy lifestyle.

Two and a half weeks before Eliana's due date, on April 4, 2012, I received a text message from my mom during one of my home visits around 4:00 p.m. that my grandma had fallen earlier that day and that my parents were in the ER with her and my cousin.  After I left the home visit, I gave my mom a call who explained to me that Grandma had fallen as she was trying to walk back to her mobile home before her and my cousin went out to eat for lunch.  She was cleared by the doctors and was set up with follow up appointments with a plastic surgeon and an orthopedic doctor; all seemed well and I continued on about my evening as I had planned.  Around 10:30 that night, my mom called me and said that my grandma was on the way back to the ER because she was very confused.  By 11:30, I received another call letting me know that my grandmother had passed away. 

Over the course of the next few days, everything seemed like a whirlwind.  I was still balancing school, work, being 38+ weeks pregnant, and then the stress of losing a family member was added on top of that.  Grandma's viewing was on a Monday night and her private burial was on Tuesday morning; I took a day and a half off work not knowing whether or not that would leave me with enough time to complete all my ending tasks prior to being on maternity leave. 

By Wednesday evening after work, I was contracting pretty consistently; this continued into Thursday and I saw the doctor on Friday.  And let me just tell you, by Friday I was exhausted and downright miserable.  Thankfully, the doctor listened to me and suggested that I come back earlier the following week so that I did not have to wait as long to make up a plan in case I did not go into labor on my own.  I left the doctor's office with a 10:30 appointment scheduled for the following Wednesday. 

Throughout the weekend, I continued on the same track of staying pretty miserable, and work on Monday was rather dreadful as well.  It finally got to the point that I decided to call the doctor to see if I could be seen on Tuesday instead of Wednesday; thankfully, they were able to get me in Tuesday afternoon at 1:15.  When the doctor came in to check me, he told me I had made a little more progress and that he was going to scrape my membranes to see if that would send me into labor.  If it did not send me into labor then I was to report to the hospital at 7:00 a.m. for an induction.

Well, no labor came on its own, so Dan and I loaded up the car, prayed together, and left the house around 6:30 a.m.  However, nothing could have prepared us for what we were going to experience that day.

After arriving at the hospital and being put in the delivery room, a nurse finally came in the room and started paperwork around 7:45.  By 8:15 my pitocin drip had been started, and I was feeling very anxious to meet my little girl.  Shortly after the pitocin was start, my doctor came in the room and decided he would go ahead and break my water.  Well, in the process of this, he was unable to reach it so he asked the nurse to push down on my stomach to help things along.  Finally, he was able to get my water broken, and they sat me up in bed.  A few minutes later, I remember saying to the nurse, "I don't feel good".  She asked me what didn't feel good, and I told her I did not know.  Beyond that, I do not remember anything.

Dan, however, said that after I told the nurse I did not feel well he watched the color drain out of my face, and he told the nurse I was going to pass out.  The nurse, apparently, turned around just in time to see it happen.  My blood pressure at that point in time was nearly 50/20, and Eliana's heartrate slowed significantly during this ordeal as well. 

When I woke up, I remember there being a nurse on my right and on my left and my doctor sitting at the foot of the bed attempting to find Eliana's heartbeat.  My first question to them was "Is she ok?"  The nurse to my left simply replied that her heartrate was low so they were monitoring it.  At this point, I felt sick because I was afraid of losing her.  I immediately began praying for Eliana to be safe and healthy.  After about 15 minutes of the doctor monitoring her in the room, her heartrate came back up and was steady.  All the while, they had put me on oxygen and told me I was not allowed to move.  The doctor decided that me passing out and her heartrate deceleration was not from the pitocin but rather from pressure that was placed on my vena cava while they were trying to break my water.  Finally, around 10:00 they started my pitocin back up again.

Everything seemed to be going smoothly up until I got out of bed to go to the bathroom and changed positions when I laid back down in bed; nurse flooded the room again concerned about a decline in Eliana's heartrate again.  They made me switch positions and eventually her heartrate steadied, but they shut the pitocin off once again.  The pitocin stayed off for about an hour, and when they started me back up finally they started it back up at the same low dose that they had started me on earlier in the morning.  The nurses were rather convinced that her decline in heartrate was due to an increase in pitocin; however, after attempting to switch positions a couple more times, it was more likely caused by her laying on her cord.

My pitocin got started back up again around 3:00, and by 5:00 I was having consistent enough contractions that I was getting uncomfortable.  I decided to go ahead and take the pain medicine available before the epidural; this medicine made me really tired and only helped with the pain for about 30 minutes.  Eventually, the nurse came in and asked if I wanted something else for pain; no one had informed me that doctor had approved an epidural for me even though I wasn't four centimeters.  At that point, I decided to go ahead and take the epidural.  The doctor came in to start the epidural, and it didn't hurt really at all.  The doctors and nurses were afraid to lay me down flat due to me passing out earlier in the day, but they assured me that within 15 minutes I would feel relief from the contractions.

Well, about an hour and a half later, I had gotten no relief from any contractions.  Someone in the room went to get a nurse (I don't even know who it was at this point because my eyes were shut from 5:00 p.m.-9:00 p.m.) to tell her that my epidural was not working.  She came in and asked me questions about whether or not I could feel my legs, what my pain level was, etc. and quickly realized that she needed to call the doctor back in to check why my epidural wasn't working.  The doctor came in and gave me more meds and within seconds I felt relief and opened my eyes. 

Very quickly after that, I began to feel pressure and knew that I would soon be meeting our daughter.  Within minutes I went from 8 centimeters to 10 centimeters and was ready to push.  The doctor had been across the hall as another woman had given birth at home, but he quickly came over when they told him how close I was to delivering. 

Within five contractions equaling about within 15 minutes, Eliana made her grand entrance into the world.  The first thing I did was check to make sure she was indeed a girl, and then the doctor placed her on my chest.  She was not crying and was purple, but the doctor assured me that she was still getting oxygen through her cord.  After about 20 seconds of not crying and not breathing the doctor said, "I don't like this at all" and whisked her off of my chest over to the warming table where he worked on her with the nurses. 

I don't even think words can express the emotions I was feeling at that point in time.  There was a moment in time I was not sure she was going to make it; I was scared to death, mortified may be a better word.  I couldn't see what was going on over on the warming table because of my position in bed, but I remember the nurses and doctors encouraging Eliana to start breathing.  Dan and my mom were both assuring me that everything was ok, but I knew better.  This was real and this was scary; finally, though, I heard her cry.  I have NEVER in my life been so relieved to hear a baby cry.  And it wasn't just any baby, it was MY baby. 

The doctor had to suction her out more than normal and they had to bag her in order to get her to start breathing, but she was breathing on her own.  And when she was finally placed in my arms, I praised God for answering my prayer to save her life and for protecting her throughout the delivery.

And I wish, from that point, everything was smooth sailing, but it wasn't.  Eliana had to be placed in the NICU due to not breathing at birth and ended up on an oxygen and heartrate monitor.  She remained on the monitor until Saturday unless she was in the NICU and then she had to be on it all the time.

Later on Wednesday night, the nurses brought Eliana in to me telling me that her blood sugar was low and that she needed to eat.  As a first time mom who was nursing and having a diabetic sister, I was concerned about how much I could really help control her blood sugars.  To make a long story short, we battled with keeping her sugars up for about 24 hours, then to our knowledge due to three good sugar tests she no longer had to have any testing done.  On Friday afternoon, though, one of the nurses told us that she wanted to do a random sugar test on her.  Her test came back at 33 which is much too low, and the process started all over again.  Unfortunately, this time, her sugars did not regulate.  Early Saturday morning, Eliana had to get an IV in order to help regulate her sugars.  This stayed in until early Sunday morning.  Finally, on Sunday she had gotten three good sugar testings and they were prepared to let us leave the hospital.

Words could not express how ready I was to leave the hospital; I hate hospitals and I just wanted to be home with her.  But, God was faithful and we were able to leave.  However, we had to take her back the next day to the hospital for an appointment; at this appointment, they tested her blood for jaundice levels because her levels had been climbing before we left the hospital.  After our appointment on Monday, Dan answered my cell phone and found out that Eliana's jaundice levels had increased and that we had to take her back for bloodwork the next day. 

At this point, I was ready to pull my hair out.  I was so frustrated--all I wanted was for her to be healthy.  My recovery had been great, and I so badly wanted to switch places with her.  But, again, I prayed and asked for God to bring her levels down so that we did not have to drive to Marion every day to have her jaundice levels tested and so that we did not end up back in the hospital.  So on Tuesday when my cell phone rang after having her blood drawn, I was nervous to even answer my phone.  But, I knew that I could not just ignore the call, so I reluctantly picked up.  The nurse on the other end told me that Eliana's levels had dropped and we did not need to take her back again.  I was so relieved.

And now, here we are; it's been about a week since then, and today we had Eliana's week check up.  She is back up to her birth weight, the doctor is not concerned about jaundice levels, assured me that I was doing well breast feeding and that all we needed to do was continue loving her and doing what we were doing.  Music. To. My. Ears. 

So from here, we continue moving forward, and I find myself praying for time to slow down.  I can't believe she's almost two weeks old already.  It makes me sad to think how fast she is going to grow and excited all at the same time.  I know God has great plans for her life; He has already shown up in so many ways.  So much so, I have every reason to believe and say that she lives up to the meaning of her name--"God has answered with JOY".  What a privilege it is to be her mom, and I am so thankful that God has entrusted Dan and I to raise her and show her who her Heavenly Father is.

Eliana Joy, You are a pure blessing in your daddy's and my life.  Words cannot explain how deep our love is for you already, and I know I speak for your daddy as well when I say that we fall more in love with you every day.  Our hope and prayer for you is that you grow to fear the Lord and love Him deeply.  He has amazing plans for your life, and I have every reason to believe that he will continue answering our prayers and your prayers with JOY just as he did when we were in the hospital waiting to bring you home.  As I look into your eyes and at your sweet face, I see such innocence, and I pray that you will grow to understand how much you are loved by so many.  Time is already going by too fast as you are changing so much so quickly, but I treasure each and every moment I spend with you, even in the middle of the night when I can barely keep my eyes opened.  You make the sweetest noises and sometimes the funniest noises too.  You are already back up to your birthweight, and everyone says you look like your daddy.  However, plenty of other people say that you have my nose, my chin, and my dimples.  Regardless as to who you look like, I think you are beautiful, and I am proud to call you my daughter.  While I do not want time to go by too quickly, I cannot wait to see your personality develop and to see the path that God is going to lead you down.  You are so special, and I love you now and always. 

My has it been awhile! I don't even know where the time has gone...I've had great intentions about updating this, but time has always escaped me somehow.

Life has continued whizzing by. I wish I could say that my pregnancy has gone by very quickly too; however, that would be lying. Don't get me wrong, it's hard to believe that on Friday I will be 35 weeks, but stil, it seems like it is going to be an eternity until I am done with being pregnant.

The reality, though, is that I am sure the time will fly by because life is going to be pretty hectic up until her arrival. Between work, school, volleyball, and various weekend activites (not to mention my sister and sweet niece will be home again in a week and a half!) I feel like I'm not going to have any time to relax. I am sure I will find time for it, but when you're and obsessive compulsive planner like I am, it doesn't go over so well. Basically my schedule will go like this; work Monday-Friday with late nights twice a week, sometimes three. Once a week volleyball open gym, unless two of my clients fail a drug screen then volleyball is twice a week because working late will only happen one night. In three weeks I will have a missions committee meeting which means I will have something Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday night that week. Doctors appointments are going to be starting weekly as well; I am hoping to get by with one more biweekly appointment, but I am not sure how they will set anything up after my appointment on Friday. And then there are the weekends; my B-E-L-O-V-E-D weekends where I should be able to sleep as long/as late as I want and relax. The reality though is: this weekend I have a baby shower on Saturday for a stepcousin (something like that...), Sunday is small group with my high schoolers, next weekend Dan and I possibly could be making a trip to Indy to pick up our recliner rocker that we ordered for our living room and on Sunday is an after church meal for missionaries our church sponsors and being on the missions committee I need to go and after that is my second baby shower (more to come about my first baby shower if you can hang in there...), the following weekend (the first weekend of April) I have a wedding shower for Rebecca up north that I am planning on going to unless my doctor says I cannot travel and I will have small group on Sunday with my high schoolers and then we will have our small group from church on Sunday evening, and the weekend after that is Easter, and the following weekend after that a person from Nepal is going to be coming to our church to speak about the work he does there which will result in lunch with him due to the missions committee yet again, and then the following weekend is when she is due. Phew...I'm tired just from typing that all. I'm just praying I have the strength and energy to get through everything; not to mention I am going to have to figure out how to get all my school work done in there at some point and not to mention attempt to work ahead since my class this time around is not suppose to be over until April 29th.

Anyway, I digress; everything will come together as it always does.

On a lighter note, I had my first baby shower on March 3rd that my sister and my mom planned for Eliana. For those people who know me well know that I do not do well in a big group of people; as excited as I was to see everyone I was semi-stressed out about being the center of attention and not having time to talk to everyone who came there to celebrate. Regardless, the shower went well, and Eliana and I were so blessed by everyone's generosity through their gifts, their kind words spoken, and simply by their presence. I am thankful that Eliana will have so many people who are going to love her well. (And I am sure Dan is thankful too...)

Dan did make fun of me though because due to my Type A personality, after getting home that evening from hanging out with my sister, her husband, parents, and niece, I couldn't go to bed until I got everything put away. Thankfully he was patient and looked at the majority of stuff we got and he has even learned to say "Awww" or "That's cute" when I show him clothes.

And more specifically regarding Eliana, to my knowledge, everything continues to go along smoothly with the pregnancy. My belly is growing, which is frequently pointed out by my clients, which means that she is growing so that is a positive. Her favorite place to nestle herself is up in my rib cage on the right side; mommy doesn't like that so much because it hurts. And she frequently gets the hiccups. She isn't letting me sleep very well at night because her head seems to be pushing on my bladder and last night I just couldn't get comfortable and was awake for quite some time. I suppose I should get used to it, though. I have an appointment on Friday, but it is highly unlikely that there will be any other details to give because my appointments legitimately last about 5 minutes with the doctor.

And lastly, I don't have any funny parenting advice to share...I think I must be getting better at diverting the conversations or perhaps my clients are going further into denial that I am really going to be taking off for 12 weeks. Everything that I have heard lately is, "Ask Liz if she wants to change your diaper because she's going to need practice!" To which I want to respond; I have had plenty of opportunities to change children's diapers, I don't need more practice on yours. "Oh this is what you have to look forward to!" (Regarding a client's brothers poopy diaper...) And I almost said, you mean babies really do that??? But I didn't.

I did hear a story the other day that I cannot take credit for, but I still think it is worth sharing. Another service provider shared about an interaction she had with one of her clients. Both of them were pregnant with I believe their fifth child (the client was a number of years younger than the service provider). During their conversation, the client asked the service provider, "How long are you going to be taking off work?" The service provider looked at this as a prime opportunity to talk with the client about bugeting since she was going to be taking 12 weeks off which is what they had been spending a lot of time talking about recently. However, when the service provider was finished telling the client about how her and her husband had saved money so that she could afford to take time off and so that they could pay the bills from the hospital for the baby, the client looked at her and said, "You mean it costs money to have a baby??"

I wanted to keel over and die when I heard that story...and yes, it is a true story, I didn't make it up. But here's the reality, this client has four other children all of which have been paid for by her insurance (likely Medicaid) and it is a high possibility that she has received WIC so that she does not have to pay for any formula or basic foods in the home. And it is a high probability that she will receive it again. So there really is no reason for her to know that it costs money to have a baby. While these types of programs are great assistance and are definitely needed to assist families, it shows that there is little reason for people to want to get off of them. That is not true for all people, but when it is what someone has grown up with and has started raising their own family with, it's reality. And unfortunately, I cannot do anything to change it except pray that someday, somehow the cycle will be broken.

There are times in my life where I desperately miss living in community like I did when I was in college. Don't get me wrong, I love being married, and I love my friends that I have at this phase of my life, but there was just something about the community that I experienced when I lived in college that I long for at different points. Perhaps it was because the people I lived with day in and day out knew me and knew the real me. And not that I am "fake" with the people in my life currently, but when you live with someone it's much easier to tell when they are having a good day or a bad day. And if you know me, then you know that I often have to be forced to talk about things in life, and I feel like because I couldn't "hide" as well on my bad days while I lived in college that is what happened.

But then life happens, and you graduate from college, eventually get real jobs, eventually get married, eventually get pregnant and the authenticity seemingly fades away. Not intentionally, but because of being busy, because of distance, and because of a myriad of other things. And so I often ask myself, "Where do I go from here?"

There is no good answer or at least I haven't found one yet. It's just interesting to me, I suppose. But what would it look like if we strived for that kind of community life outside of college? What would it look like if we didn't give up searching for those authentic relationships? What would it look like if we were not only intentional in supporting others but letting others support us as well?

I suppose it would look more like the Body of Christ; I long for that more than I long to be back at college, and I just needed to share.

Welcome to week 29 of my pregnancy; I know, I know, I missed a few weeks. Every Sunday after church after I already put my sweats on, I always said, "DANGIT! We forgot to take a picture again." And the reality of it was I didn't want to change back for a picture. Overall, pregnancy has gotten easier. The sickness still is gone unless I go too long without eating. The downfall is that I'm having to get up more in the night to go to the bathroom, and I'm starting to not sleep as well. On the brighter side, you can definitely see my stomach move all the time when she is moving at this point. She responds to noises, and she really likes the music at church. Her sleeping patterns vary it seems, but she is definitely the most active at night. I feel her kicking me in the middle of the night too when I lay back down to go to sleep. I feel like I need to enjoy these few weeks of pregnancy as MUCH as possible considering that the first several were rather rough, especially since I have heard how uncomfortable I am likely going to start getting. Moving on though.


Life outside of pregnancy has been hectic. I picked up a few new cases at work, and I have been busier in the last few weeks than I have been in months. This definitely helps the days go by faster, but I hate feeling behind in the office. My to-do list is getting shorter, but due to my type A personality I hate the fact that there is still even a to-do list on my desk as I'm sitting at home right now. Not enough to work on it while I am at home and not enough to terribly stress myself out at work, but I still dislike it. One of my new cases includes me working until 7:00 p.m., which isn't the end of the world, but it just is going to take awhile to get used to. The upside is that I only have 10-11 weeks until maternity leave so it can't be too terrible!


In other news...I don't feel as though I can post the whole story here, but I learned this week and last week that people are desperate and not trustworthy. A client with whom I work stole my wallet while in the car with me. Now, of course, it's a material thing and the reality of it is, I am fine and Eliana is fine and for that I am grateful, but it just doesn't make sense to me how someone who I am trying to help feels as though they can take advantage of me like that. Regardless, it is out of my hands at this point, but I was angry and I still kind of feel angry at times. My wallet didn't really mean that much to me; sure, it was cute and I liked it, but it can be replaced. The money I lost, well I'm not sure that will ever be replaced, but the tickets from my honeymoon and the receipt from the pregnancy test that I was planning to put in Eliana's babybook are gone. They are small and in the big scheme of things they don't matter, but it just is so not right. However, in spite of my anger, I have had to pray consistently for God to help me handle the situation with grace. And out of that, I want this person to know that while there will likely be consequences for their actions and choices, they still have a second chance. Honest to goodness, I believe that with my whole heart. And I have been praying somehow God will use this as a wake up call and that they will learn something from this. Don't get me wrong, it's not ok to steal, but there is always forgiveness.


On a lighter note, I haven't posted any parenting advice. I guess this has also kind of turned into funny things people say to me throughout my pregnancy too so here I go:

1. I had a lady say to me the other day as she asked if I would like to hold her son, "Have you ever thought of how crazy it would be if your daughter and my son got together and got MARRIED? Then we would be related!" I thought to myself quickly and wasn't entirely sure how to respond other than by saying, "No, I've never thought of that." She was insistent that it could happen due to them being the same age. I'm convinced there has to be something in the social work code of ethics that forbids it. Not to mention that I would forbid it for my daughter knowing what I know.
2. One of my 9 year old clients could not WAIT to tell me when I got to her house, "Did you know that everytime you pee, your baby pees at the same time? Everytime you poop, your baby poops too?!" I about died...
3. And just today, as I was playing with this man's 15 months old son, he looks at me and says, "Do you even have any experience with kids?" I wanted to say, "No, I don't; I don't get PAID to work with families and children or anything. I have never babysat for anyone in my life, I have no nieces or nephews, I have no younger cousins, and quite honestly, I could REALLY use your help telling me all there is to not about babies since you are a superstar dad." However, I refrained considering that I have been working with this family for approximately 3 years, and I did not figure that he would catch my intense sarcasm. Instead I said, "Yes, I have some experience with kids." And moved on from there...

I am never ceased to be amazed though. Never...nor do I think I will ever be as I continue on my journey in that job.

Sometimes I wish people could be a fly on the wall in my house to hear my husband's and my interactions; we think we are quite funny.

Through a course of events last night, Dan and I started talking about the future and him getting a job after graduation. You can only imagine how these types of conversations go with a Type A personality (me) and a Type B personality (Dan), and in case you can't imagine how they go, well, they don't go well. Dan's philosophy is "I will get a job at some point and it will be fine." My philosophy is "I need to know when you are going to get a job so that I can figure out insurance, my internship, babysitting for Eliana, and paying for my Grad School." After expressing that to Dan, Dan's philosophy still remains, "I will get a job at some point and it will be fine." To make a long story short, Dan eventually looks at me as I continue to list all the reasons I need answers and for him to get a job ASAP after graduation and says, "You're so...You're so...UGH, I don't even have a word for it!!" To which I mock him and say, "Well you need to practice using your words so why don't you come up with something?" He tried determined, focused, "planny", etc; I agreed with him, and he was shocked. His response to that was, "Well, I was going to say rigid and inflexible, but I didn't figure you would take that well." I laughed, so hard, because it is so true. Like I said, I Type A; 100% maybe 150%. It's a good thing I married a Type B to balance me out.

And to top the rest of the night off, my devotions were all about trusting God with the future. I couldn't help but laugh, and I would venture to say God was probably shaking his head and smiling at me as well.

Anyway, if you think about it; I'd appreciate your prayers for the opportunity that started the converstaion between Dan and me for the future. God has a plan, and I know that. I must trust Him, and I must trust He will have me in the perfect place at the perfect time.

Moving on; I have a couple piece of parenting advice/stories I figured are worth sharing:

1. Last week I had a client who continuously attempted to put her feet on me and they smelled WRETCHED. I know that since I am pregnant my sense of smell is enhanced, but seriously, I thought I would vomit. Before I left the house, I told her dad that she needed a bath that night, and he asked me if she smelled bad. I told him that her feet smelled and that she needed a shower. His response, "Well, that's what she gets for not wearing socks with her boots." To which I asked my client why she doesn't wear socks with her boots. She responded, "They make my feet too hot in the furry boots." Her dad said, "And I'm not quite sure how you argue with that logic!!" I left the house shaking my head thinking; argue with that logic? Really? When you are the parent and you have a child and you want them to wear socks, you simply do not give them an option. Now that seems more logical to me; especially considering its 24 degrees outside.
2. I had another client tell me that I really need to watch my bladder after I have a baby, because it drops and becomes weak and I am going to lose all control over it once the baby is here. Now, I'm well aware that while pregnant there is more pressure on the bladder and after being pregnant I am not saying that my bladder won't have changed or whatever, but losing all control? I'm not convinced...perhaps in three months I will feel differently, but just saying. Seems a little far fetched to me.

Ok, that's all I've got for now; I'm sure there will be more soon!

"Don't be sorry for compassion. It can move us to do amazing things, and it can help you gain a new perspective." -Soul Surfer

My heart is overwhelmed tonight; overwhelmed at the way God chooses to show up. Not in a bad way by any means. You see, tonight Dan went to bed early because he has clinical tomorrow, and I didn't need to go to bed early tonight because I have MLK day off work. The majority of my homework is finished and because this is pretty much my last official three day weekend until Eliana arrives I decided to watch Soul Surfer that I have had recorded for quite some time.

What a powerful story. What an amazing young lady not afraid to stand up for what she believes in and who trusts the Lord wholeheartedly regardless of the storms she has be through.

It reminds me of the small group; I talked with the girls today about the fact that they were made to make a difference. They were created for purpose. They were created with intention, and God stands in awe of them. It reminds me of the reality that God has created me for purpose and stands in awe of me as well. He has created me to love my clients even when they are unlovable. He has created me to be an encourager to those he has brought across my path. He has created me to be an example. He has created me raise Eliana to know Him, to trust Him, to love Him, to honor Him, and to believe that she is created with purpose as well.

I am so unworthy; truly unworthy. If people only knew my flaws, my worries, my control issues they would understandly that I really am a wretch that was saved. Saved solely by grace.

I didn't ask for God to show up today in my life the way that He has necessarily, but He met me where I was at. He knew that I needed it, and for that I am grateful. I am grateful that with every kick Eliana makes I am reminded of what her name truly means: "God has answered with joy". In case you missed that GOD has answered with JOY, not just in entrusting me with the baby He has given to me but in so many other areas as well.

If only Eliana could understand how much she has already taught me before I have even held her in my arms.

Thank you, Father...

So it may be hard to believe that I am posting two days in a row, but I figured I needed to take advantage of my last night of freedom before I start school again. I finished reading a book, and I decided it was time for me to write about what God reminded me about last week.

You see, last week, I was sitting in a missions committee meeting where we started talking about how many people's lives have been changed in the 10-40 window due to them receiving training about developing businesses. Essentially, it capatalizes on individuals' strengths and helps them to become successful in their communities and better able to provide for their families. Along with many other things. However, my heart started racing thinking of the impact that has already been made but still about the work that needs to be done.

It is such a foreign thought to so many of us in the United States that there are actually people halfway around the world who have no idea who Jesus is. It is such a foreign thought to so many of us that people are living in complete and total darkness, unaware of the Gospel, and not by choice. And it is such a foreign thought to us that we should take ANY part in spreading the Good News to those who have never heard. But the reality is, there are several people groups who have never heard of Jesus and several who do not even know what the Gospel is. And the other reality is that being a part of spreading the Good News to those who have never heard is not a choice, it is not an option, it is a command.

So many verses in scripture refer to "GOING", and yet no where in scripture have been able to find where it is something that we get to CHOOSE whether or not we do. If we are a part of God's family, then to me, it feels as though it is an expectation He has of us. The funny thing to me is, He doesn't need me to do His work, yet he chooses to use me; He can show up to people in dreams, visions, and in so many other ways, yet He has chosen ME to be his vessel for sharing His message with other people.

The hard part for me right now, though, is that I am not halfway around the world living out my faith in such a way that inspires people who do not know Jesus to come to know him more. Yes, I am in contact with people each and every day who does not know Jesus, and I do my best at sharing His love with them through my actions, but so much of my heart is overseas.

Dan and I were just talking the other night before we went to bed about how much we wish we could travel overseas to encourage those already serving or to begin building relationships with natives. But yet, he ever so calmly reminded me that we are where we are for a reason. It is for reasons that he does not understand and it is for reasons that I do not understand. But yet we both know we still have a responsibility to play in helping others come to know Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savior.

So how does it all fit together then? Our hearts are still overseas, but yet we know we are here for a reason...oh I wish I knew. How I wish I knew...But what is important for me to remember, is that in God's perfect time we both will understand how and why everything has fit together the way that it has.

I just hope and pray that we can raise Eliana Joy to have a heart for others, a heart for the lost, a heart for the nations, and to know that the God our family serves and will continue to serve deserves all the praise, glory and honor.

And for now, I end with Luke 10:2, the prayer of my heart regarding missions right now, because prayer can make more of a difference than what we realize, "These were his instructions to them, "The harvest is plentiful but the workers are few. So pray to the Lord who is in charge of the harvest; ask him to send more workers into his fields.'" May He do just that...May He send more workers into his fields so that more people may come to worship him.

Because when it comes down to it; missions exists because worship doesn't.