Monday, December 22, 2008

what a journey the last month has never seems to slow down.

as i find myself home for Christmas break, i can't believe how quickly my last first semester at school went. it seems like just yesterday i was packing up my room to head to school for RA training, but now i am faced with the hard reality that i only have four months left at the place i have come to call home over the last three and a half years. how is that even possible? and how can one even begin to explain the emotions that accompany that?

i'm excited to see what the Lord has in store, so incredibly excited, but at the same time not excited for all that i will be drastically changing. not only will the fact that the comfortability of being in the classroom compared to being in the work place no longer will hold true for my life, but also some of the most precious and most cherished relationships i've ever had in my life will be changing as well. no longer will i have the privilege of living in such close community with people who know me well, people to go to meals with, people to consistently hang out on the weekends, or people to stay up until the wee hours of the morning talking about the hard issues of life.

i don't think anyone can prepare you for this stage in life.

however, i am so thankful for the fact that the Lord has continued and will continue to give me the strength to love boldly. not only for the next four months, but also after graduation. sure, i am aware of the fact that things will look different, but that doesn't mean the value of the relationships will change nor does it mean that the blessing they have been to me will look any different.

it's kind of like what i have gone through with not being with my kids in India. some days the pain is intense and i can't express anything except through tears, and even though i always think of them, i know that i must continue entrusting them into the Lord's care. i hate that i am not there to laugh with them, to sing with them, to hold them, to play games with them, or any of that, but i am thankful that the Lord still is there giving them joy, protecting them, teaching them, holding them close, and loving them so deeply. i love that. and i love that he does that in all areas of life.

i love that the Lord meets us where we are at time and time again. i love that he takes me out of the miry clay and sets my feet upon the rock and reminds me of his love no matter how many times i seem to forget. i love that he knows me intricately; that he knows my weaknesses, my strengths, my thoughts, my failures, my successes, my dreams and desires, the things that make me laugh, the things that bring me to tears, the things i am struggling through, and the things that i am learning. what an honor it is to be his child.

this past week i read a book that had been sitting in my bookcase since the beginning of the semester: The Shack. unfortunately, i didn't have a pen in hand as i made my way through the pages, but it was one of the most amazing, ficitional books i have read in a long time. ranking right up there with Redeeming Love. as i turned page after page, i was taken on a journey with a man who God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit met with. i was awed, almost brought to tears, and brought to a deeper understanding of how the Lord views me. how i truly am his beloved. how he understands so much more than i often will give him credit for and how patient he truly is.

even though i didn't have a pen in hand, there one small part that i made sure to remember where it was. it starts with the man talking to God saying, "I hate all of this--this crying and blubbering like an idiot, all of these tears." and God replied with, "Oh, child, don't ever discount the wonder of your tears. They can be healing waters and a stream of joy. Sometimes they are the best words the heart can speak."

wow...i read that conversation once and then i had to reread it. it made me think of the last five months of my life and i felt like the conversation the main character of the book was having the God was one that God and i could have had. often times i find myself hating the fact that i have become more emotional, able to cry at the drop of the hat. but what a comfort it was to read those lines of the book. sometimes tears truly are the best words the heart can speak and how healing they truly often are. and how thankful i am the Lord has opened my eyes to's taken time, and i'm not sure i've arrived at the desination yet, but do we ever truly arrive while we're here on earth?

oh life...there never seems to be a dull moment.

may i continue learning, growing, trusting blindly, loving boldly, making the most of each day, dreaming for the future but living in the present, living simply instead of simply living, and finding joy in the little things.