some days i am so thankful for it; others i resent it.
how can you resent it one may ask? simple. how can i not? how can i not resent the fact that the unknown is scary? how can i not resent the fact that following the Lord often times is difficult and requires sacrifice?
maybe resent isn't the right word. but for tonight, that's what describes how i am feeling. that doesn't mean that i am not still trying to seek the Lord's will for my life, because i am, but i think sometimes we all need to be reminded that dangerous surrender is exactly that: dangerous.
i don't know what my future holds for me, but this week i have been reminded that just because i make plans doesn't mean that they are going to happen. i have been reminded of the importance of holding on loosely to the things that mean so much to me, and i have been reminded of the love the Lord has placed in my heart for people, a culture, and a country halfway around the world from me.
on tuesday afternoon, i convinced a few of my friends to watch born into brothels with me. the movie is set in calcutta, india and tells the story of children whose mothers work as prostitutes. i knew watching the movie would be hard, but i didn't know what i had gotten myself into. the tears started about five minutes into the movie, and they didn't stop until a good fifteen to twenty minutes after the movie was over.
i cried for the children in the movie, and i cried for the children whose stories still remain untold. i cried for the mothers who are stuck in prostitution, and i cried for the men who see nothing wrong with what they are doing. i cried for the poverty, i cried for the brokenness, and i cried for the caste system. i cried for my children at Hope Home, and i cried because i missed my Thatta. i cried because of the vivid memories that were brought back to life, and i cried because of what the future may hold for me.
after the movie ended, i clicked on the extra scene of "three years later". the lady who lived among these children traveled back to the place this movie took place and was able to catch up with the children she spent so much time with three years earlier. as i watched her walk into the entrance of the boarding school where some of the girls now lived, i saw them run to her. i saw them run into her arms and her hold them tight.
for a second, i felt like i was back in india. i felt like i had just returned from the hospital this summer when we had spent a week away from the children and they were dropping their school books and running into my arms. and then i imagined what it really will be like when i am able to return to 120 of the most beautiful children in the world...and more tears continued to fall.
like i said earlier, i'm not sure what my future holds for me, and while it's scary at times, i will continue to remember the importance of trusting blindly and entrusting others into His care. and in this process i know that i will continue learning what dangerous surrender truly looks like, and i am sure that my heart will continue to break for what breaks his. may i be obedient wherever He leads.
[how thankful i am to serve a God who hears and answers my prayers...]