it hit me today. like a ton of bricks.

i'm not going to be spending christmas with my children. i never thought of it before, but as soon as i realized it, my eyes welled with tears and they haven't stopped since. today, i feel like i did when i was on the airplane leaving the country. the pain is real and fresh despite the fact that it has been three and a half months. i can still close my eyes and picture each of the children, the staff members, and johnson. if only i could touch them...if only i could hold them...if only i could laugh with them.

may i learn what it means to embrace this pain rather than pretend like it isn't there, and as i am embracing it, may i also remind myself that i must continue to entrust them into his care.