i will never be able to fully comprehend God's faithfulness.
may i continue trusting blindly, walking hand in hand with my Lord.

"faithful you are faithful, i have found nothing but good in your heart. loving you are loving, i am in love with the way that you are. thankful i am thankful, i had been running away on my own, and then you found me--oh how you love me, i know you'll never leave, leave me alone."

my heart is overwhelmed.
overwhelmed with the opportunity.
overwhelmed with how much need there truly is.
overwhelmed with the knowledge of the decision at hand.

i am seeking.
i am waiting.
i am trusting.
i am praying.

as i go about my days i am continuing to seek the Lord's will for what he wants me to do about next summer. i am finding it hard to tell what that may be as i have realized this year that as long as i am in His Will no decision i make is going to disappoint him. that's such a freeing thought; however, right now, i wish i could tell what is right and what is wrong. my heart's desire more than anything is to serve Him wherever he may be calling me, and i trust and believe that wherever i end up i'll be doing just that. the question, though, still lies in the where.

during chapel today, though, i was incredibly touched by a song we sang that i had never heard before, "You Are Still Holy" by Kim Hill...it follows:

Holy, You are still holy

Even when the darkness surrounds my life

Sovereign, You are still sovereign

Even when confusion has blinded my eyes

Lord, I don't deserve Your kind affection

When my unbelief has kept me from Your touch

I want my life to be a pure reflection Of Your love

And so I come into Your chamber

And I dance at Your feet,

Lord You are my Saviour

And I'm at Your mercy

All that has been in my life

Up 'til now It belongs to You

You are still holy

Holy, You are still holy

Even though I don't understand Your ways

Sovereign, You will be sovereign

Even when my circumstances don't change

Lord, I don't deserve your tender patience

When my unbelief has kept me from Your truth

I want my life to be a sweet devotion To You

And so I come into Your chamber

And I dance at Your feet, Lord

You are my Saviour

And I'm at Your mercy

All that has been in my life Up 'til now It belongs to You

I belong to You

And so I come into Your chamber

And I dance at Your feet

You are my Saviour And I'm at Your mercy

All that has been in my life Up 'til now It belongs to You

I belong to You

You are still holy

You are still sovereign

You are still holy, Lord

You are still righteous

You are all-knowing

You are still holy

and so the year continues with the phrase that continues to summarize everything thus far as well as comfort me: trusting blindly.

fall break means we're halfway through the first semester.

crazy when i think about how fast time has gone by. and even crazier to think this is the first time so far this year that i've been home to spend the night since i moved into school.

i'm growing up.

i've learned so much in these two months that i've been at school. so much about God not necessarily giving me what i want but exactly what i need which in turn is causing me to trust blindly.

sometimes it's hard, others not.
but for now, i'm going to continue using this time to be refreshed to start the next two months renewed.

oh ra training.

it's weird to not be living in the same residence hall that i did for the past two years. quite weird actually. but amazing.

my staff is more wonderful than i could have ever imagined. and although it's been difficult at times, simply because i don't know anyone on more than a surface level, i know that the Lord has placed me here for a reason and it's so amazing to see his faithfulness already. but it is my hope that the Lord does open doors for relationships to develop like never before, and, in the mean time, i'm sure my abs will be sore again from the laughter soon enough.

i've always wanted to be an avid writer. when i was little, i was convinced i was going to be an author, and my best friend was going to be the illustrator. as i've grown up, my dreams have changed, but i still love writing. and i love reading what other people write. and how they write.

it's hard to believe that i leave for school in less than two weeks. and it's hard to believe that my cousin is going to be a year old tomorrow and that my other cousins are going to be twelve in september. i feel old.

my mom and i were actually just talking about that the other day. she laughed at me when i told her i felt old. but she did agree with me that time goes by faster the older one gets. i feel like i haven't even had a summer.

but i have. and it's been one like never before. my sister moved to evansville. (in my opinion, she really needs to move back home.) i went to quaker haven, unfortunately not merom. i roadtripped to michigan. i went to the most beautiful wedding in ohio. i've spent countless, amazing hours with my parents. i've painted more than i ever want to again in my life. i've become more of a farm girl than i expected. who would have ever guessed that i would love driving tractors as much as i do?

perhaps it's because the colors seem so much brighter and lovely in fields surrounded by trees. or maybe it's because you never know when you're going to see a mama deer with triplet fawns, wild turkeys, a family of raccoons, or bunnies. or maybe it's because all of these things remind me of how big of a God we serve. or maybe it's because that is where i've found such solitude and peace i've been able to bow before the Father pouring out my heart's desires before him. or maybe it's all of these things.

regardless. this summer is not what i expected. however, it's been exactly what i've needed. isn't that just how God works?

my dad reminds me of a quote quite regularly, "God's never late; He's always on time." and lets just keep praying that He will open doors for me as He continues to reveal his plan. because, i know i cannot fulfill my biggest dream unless it is through Him.

and perhaps that will even include writing a book.

for so long i have been searching for what true community means, and even though i probably am never going to come to a complete understanding i have been overlooking such a vital week in my life where all i experienced was that type of community.

all ages II.

and my heart has been broken since all ages II, as i and many others knew it, will never happen again. but those 17 weeks over the past 17 years can never, ever be replaced. for that, i am thankful. and my friends who make up the true community will forever hold a special place in my heart. and they are coming to my house in a matter of hours, and even though we won't be at merom, we will be together, and that is just what we need.

disappointments.
life is full of them. but we must remember the Lord is always faithful, and in those disappointments He is the one who is able to fill the holes in our hearts.

and more often than not we are disappointed by people. whether it be by something they do or something they don't do. but the true challenge is figuring out how to minister to people despite being disappointed because they deserve love just as much as i do.

trust. it's such a funny thing. it's a five letter word, so one may think it should be an easy thing. i mean. we trust our parents from day one; it's instinct.

but so often, we forget how vital trust is in our relationship with Our Lord.

each day, we think we trust--but when He asks us to do something we didn't expect and it's out of our comfort zone hesitation is not uncommon.

oh there's so much to learn.

"When they had finished eating, Jesus said to Simon Peter, "Simon son of John, do you truly love me more than these?" "Yes, Lord," he said, "you know that I love you." Jesus said, "Feed my lambs." Again Jesus said, "Simon son of John, do you truly love me?" He answered, "Yes, Lord, you know that I love you." Jesus said, "Take care of my sheep." The third time he said to him, "Simon son of John, do you love me?" Peter was hurt because Jesus asked him the third time, "Do you love me?" He said, "Lord, you know all things; you know that I love you." Jesus said, "Feed my sheep." I tell you the truth, when you were younger you dressed yourself and went where you wanted; but when you are old you will stretch out your hands, and someone else will dress you and lead you where you do not want to go." Jesus said this to indicate the kind of death by which Peter would glorify God. Then he said to him, "Follow me!"

John 21:15-19

w a i t.

for what; for how long? one may inquire.

w a i t.

why?

because, i, your Lord, am asking...

patience. perseverance. strength. lessons. answers. intructions.

be still.

w a i t.

not always as easy as 1, 2, 3.

summer is such a sweet time of year. it also seems to be a time for learning, even though there aren't any classes.

i wish sometimes, though, that learning was easier.

i haven't quite figured out what God is trying to teach me, yet. but it always seems that the Lord moves the most in the moments of uncertainity. so, i have a feeling that this summer is going to be full of learning.

i'm excited for it. i'm excited to see how i'm going to be able to use what i learn to impact others lives, and i'm excited to see how my prayers are answered. who knows where He's going to lead me next...