Monday, November 15, 2010

it seems strange that i am finally able to update this from my own house. being on the waiting list for the internet for 3+ months really put a damper on my blogging. but, let's be serious, who knows if i'll be any more consistent now than i was for the past few months. regardless.

tonight, i find myself r e l a x e d. and so thankful for that feeling. even though there is laundry that needs folded and a destroyed cotton ball on my floor that i let my cat play with that needs picked up, i'm ok with letting the laundry remain unfolded until tomorrow and the cotton ball to be there for at least 15 more minutes.

it's hard to believe that it's already the middle of November, that i've been married for three and a half months, that i've been at my job for over a year, that i've been back from india for five months, and that my life is still so uncertain even though it seems so stable.

i feel like no one ever tells you that after you graduate college, get a job, and get married that your life really isn't perfect. now, i really have no complaints, but the harsh reality is that the age range from the time you graduate college until who knows when is just absolutely unknown. sure, you can plan for your weeks and weekends, but looking five years down the road, who really knows what that looks all those five year plans that i have made and remade in the past year really don't have much meaning other than that they are my big dreams that i refuse to quit chasing until God shows me otherwise.

but in the midst of all the uncertainty, i've realized how good i had it in elementary, high school, and college. my days were planned and the years to come after that were pretty well planned out for me as well. all i had to worry about was what i was going to wear the next day, and even then i really didn't have to worry about that. while i disliked my high school years for various reasons, i am so tempted to volunteer to go back to that.

but, i can't. so instead of wishing, and hoping, and dreaming of things that can't really happen; i instead shall wish, hope, and dream for the future, even if the journey to whatever the future holds is rough.

ok, i digress. where to now...?

oh yes, my whole purpose in this blog...i want to tell all of you (whoever all of you are) about a conversation i had with someone last week. i've changed her name, but let me give a little background on this story.

before this conversation happened, i was with this person the day she was taken to the hospital. she is a rather young mother, whom i have never talked with about me being a Christian. (simply because i can't; not because i choose to, but because my job tells me i can't...) regardless. as i sat in her living room the following week, this is the conversation that ensued:

Sue: "You know, there is no reason that I am here today..."
Me: "What do you mean, Sue?"
Sue: "Well, I shouldn't be here, there is no reason that I lived."
Me: "Of course there is a reason that you lived..."
Pause in conversation...
Sue: "Do you believe in guardian angels?"
Me: "Well, I believe in angels, why?"
Sue: "Because I had to have a guardian angel or something watching over me last week, because there is no reason I should be here."
Me: "Well, I can understand what you're saying, but the way you're talking about a guardian angel is how I view God. And that God protects me, and I believe that God was protecting you last week."
Sue: "Yeah...because there is no reason I should still be here."
Me: "Yes, there is a reason you are still here. You have three beautiful children you have to take care of."
Sue: "Yeah, I am here to take care of my children."
Me: "Yes, you are. No one can ever take your place of doing that."
Sue: "Yeah, well, I knew I could talk to you about this because I know you believe in God and because you are a Christian."
Me: "Yes, I do believe in God, and I am a Christian."
Pause in conversation and ten minute diversion to another topic...
Sue: "Did you pray for me that day?"
Me: "Yes, I did. I prayed for you my whole way home from work that day, and I pray for you and your family often."
Sue: "Well, I knew you did because you are a Christian."
Me: "Mmmhmm."
Sue: "Well thanks."

And the conversation was dropped.

but i walked out of that house in awe of the way God has used me in her life without me even knowing it. and i walked out of that house in awe that the Lord has chosen a broken vessel like me to impact His Kingdom in ways that i am not even aware of.

did i lead that women to Christ in her living room that day? no, i did not. but do i believe i was obedient to what the Lord was asking me to do that day? yes, i do. and did it make me realize that prayer truly does change things? yes, it absolutely did.

and God deserves all the glory for that.

in other news, i'm longing to get back to my children in india. however, that is not new news. there is not one single day that goes by that i don't think of them or long to hold them in my arms. and before i sat down to write tonight, as i was painting my fingernails, i was just watching their pictures scroll by on my screensaver. their smiles brought tears to my eyes. even their joy caught for a brief second in a picture is enough to overwhelm my heart and cause me to rejoice that i have been so blessed to have spent time with them. i love that they have taught me so much about loving boldly and unconditionally.

more and more i am realizing how God uses those younger than us to teach us lessons. i think of the lessons my children in india have taught me, how much my client's have taught me, how much some of my volleyball girls have taught me, and i consider it a privilege to know each and every young person that Lord has brought into my life. i can only hope and pray that the He has used me and will continue using me in all of their lives; whether or not i see the impact here on this earth, i want to be obedient to whatever He has called me to.

oh life...there is never a dull moment, and i am so thankful that i am living for a Purpose. i'm sure i could continue on and on about the ways i've seen God show up in my life...but i'll save it for another day. afterall, i have the internet now, so i can update more often, and that cotton that is all over my floor really needs picked up at this moment. but as i go to bed tonight, i am going to go to bed thanking God for his faithfulness. and i hope and pray that wherever you are whenever you read this you will pause and thank Him for his faithfulness as well.