Saturday, July 30, 2011

July 31, 2010

it's anniversary weekend. where did the time go?! it's so hard for me to believe that i married the man i had been praying for basically my entire life a year ago. the year has FLOWN by and i wouldn't trade a second of it for anything. we've learned about one another and grown closer to each other and each other's families more than i ever thought possible. i am so incredibly blessed. and i can honestly say i am more in love now than i was last year...i only hope that we continue to fall more and more in love each day.

one thing i especially love about my fabulous husband is his patience with me. my a&p final was on friday, and let's just say i was stressed beyond words. i was freaking out and cranky, and yet he often would just smile at me or attempt to offer a comforting word about how he knew i could do it. well, the good news is, i passed my final and the class, and he did not kill me in the midst of stressing out. he did tell me, though, that if i am ever that stressed again he is just going to go ahead and murder me to save us both the trouble. thankfully, though, he also told me he was kidding.

we're a bunch of jokesters around here.

now that a&p is done, i only have 3.5 weeks of my MSW class until i have a 2 week break from ALL classes. and for that, i am thankful. it isn't that i am not enjoying my classes, because i definitely am, but i think a break will do me some good. it's hard to believe that i've almost completed my first semester. only 6 to go!

and Monday officially starts one of my favorite times of the year. volleyball season! most people think i am absolutely crazy dedicating my time somewhere else, but i don't care what most people think. helping with volleyball gives me opportunities to not only build relationships with high school girls but it also helps take my mind off all the craziness i experience at my job and allows me to hang out with some pretty fabulous adults too. as much as the girls are dreading three-a-days and the conditioning, i can hardly wait to get into the gym on Monday morning. probably because i do not do the work outs with them; yes, that's right, though, i took Monday off work to go help.

as far as the work place is concerned, not much has changed. since the full moon week, i have continued to have some pretty crappy weeks. but like i told one of my dear friends, things always get better, and that is something i am trusting in.

for now, though, i must go get ready for my date night with my handsome husband. i am grateful and thankful for the blessing God has placed in my life.

Friday, July 15, 2011

i survived another week at work during a full moon. i had no idea that it was even a full moon until i was complaining to my husband about how busy and eventful my week had been...i believe the conversation went a little like this:

"the moon was SO huge this morning when i left; it was like shining a light in my back window and i didn't know what it was at first!" -daniel

"really? that's so cool; i wish i could have seen it." -me

"yeah, it was really pretty." -daniel

" mean to tell me that it's full moon?? NO WONDER MY WEEK HAS BEEN NUTS!" -me

and i believe he probably laughed and shook his head at me being dramatic and probably called me ridiculous, because that's just what we do.

but anyway, the real purpose of this post is not just to talk about my crazy week but to talk about how good of a God i serve.

truly, i do. and i am amazed at how He meets my needs even before i ask. you see, obviously, earlier this week i was frustrated and drained with work, and then today, one of my clients handed me a letter thanking me for helping her through this difficult time in her life and telling me how much my support has meant to her over these past five months. talk about humbling. my job is a pretty "thankless" job; clients very rarely say thank you and because there is often a lack of progress made by the people i work with it often seems like my efforts are in vain; so i was completely unprepared for this letter. but God knew i needed it.

and then, just tonight as i was laying on the couch doing homework feeling frustrated, my cell phone rings and it was one of my dear friends telling me that she was thinking of me and wanted to call and to let me know. she had no idea that i was frustrated with school work nor did she know that i had been feeling lonely tonight and my mind was full of worry, but God did.

and as i hung up with her, i felt like God was saying to me, "when are you going to trust Me with the big things? I meet your needs before you even realize they are needs, and yet you perpetually worry about what tomorrow, next week, next month, and next year have in store for you."

W. O. A. H.

i think that lesson is something that i always have known, but hearing it, feeling it, whatever you want to consider it really puts things into perspective. so this is my feeble attempt at holding myself more accountable at trusting. at having faith. and knowing that HE is in complete control.

forgive my short comings, my faults, and my selfishness. help me see You in every situation; allow me to know that worry does nothing to draw me closer to You. i desire You and Your plans for my life that You have given to me. help me honor You through the way i live my life. show me my next steps according to Your Will and help my unbelief.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

tonight, my heart is heavy. there are days where i come home from work exhausted not only from running from appointment to appointment but emotionally exhausted. and usually i can distract myself with homework since i have had so much of it to do lately, but tonight, i could barely concentrate as i studied the muscles of the human body. (seriously, i really do not think i need anatomy and physiology for my MSW, but i only have 3 weeks left; perseverance is key.)

regardless, today was one of those days where i could not get ahead. i had scheduled all four of my appointments back to back. 9:30, 11:00, 12:30, 2:00. Well, i knew it was going to be a hectic day when i left my first appointment at 11:15, arrived at my second appointment at 11:40, made it to my third appointment at 12:35, and made it to my last appointment at 2:15 where i stayed until 4:45. thankfully, the appointments i was drastically late to were gracious to me...

regardless, sometimes as i reflect on my time spent with clients, i have absolutely, positively no idea how the conversations happen as they do. how does one rationalize to a 5 year old that even though for the past 18 months he has seen his parents once a week that he is now going to have to wait 6 months until he seems them again? this is made infinitely harder when a 5 year old really does not have a good concept of time. and how does one even begin to unpack the statement that he said he felt like he didn't belong because he has lived in so many homes? keep in mind, he is 5. i say it again 5, not even started kindergarten yet, and these are the kind of statements he's asking and things he thinking. and how does one emphasize to a teenage girl who has lost her mom and has now been removed from her father's care that people really do care about her? that there is hope for her? that her situation is going to get better?

really? i stop and say, really? these are real people i am dealing with. real, live human beings who are fragile. life has been unfair to them. and even though i have been trained as a social worker, i have not been given a magic wand to wave all of these feelings, emotions, or problems away from the people that i come in contact with each and every day. and these are only two of the four people i met with today...

it doesn't make sense to me, and it breaks my heart. it breaks my heart that as i sit here and type this, i know there are so many more people who are not my clients that are having similar feelings, thoughts, and emotions that those i work with do who are not getting help, who are alone and afraid. even moreso than the ones i walk closely beside are. and i, again, say, really?

today was one of those days i questioned why i am pursuing my masters...why do i do this to myself day in and day out? and i know the answer, but sometimes i say, "why me, Lord? why have you placed me in this field to see the things that i see, to hear the things that i hear, to know the things that i know?" and i think He just has to smile at me, while He gently nudges me along, holding my hand and guiding me in the right direction.

life does not make sense. it is unfair. things are unjust. it is discouraging at times. and yet it makes me realize how much we need His Kingdom to come and His Will to be done. and if this is how He chooses to use me to make that happen, then i say, your servant is willing, Abba. use me, mold me, teach me, shape me, grow me, and allow me to be your hands and feet.