Saturday, November 17, 2012

I really should be sleeping; however, tonight, sleep eluded me as I lay in bed.  I am not sure how and I am not sure why because last night between 11:00 p.m. and this morning at 6:40 a.m. I was up approximately 5 times, feeding Eliana twice, rocking her once, giving her her pacifier once, and putting her in bed with me another time.  I suppose I will blame the coffee I had this morning for the first time in 15 months.

But tonight, I am overwhelmed with thankfulness to the point of being giddy.

Tomorrow Eliana will be seven months old, yes seven months.  I am not sure where the time has gone, but I do know that these seven months have been the best months of my life.  I have waited for what has seemed like an eternity to be a mom, and I love every second of it.  Sure, I have my moments where I want to throw myself a pity party for the simple fact that I have not slept through the night in 15 months, that my daughter typically only takes 30 minute naps, and that she refuses to sit still for me to cut her fingernails.  But tonight, I am thankful for every last minute of being her mom--in the good times, frustrating times, joyous times, heartbreaking times, and never-want-to-forget-these-moments times.  If I could have, I would have crawled in her crib with her just to get an extra snuggle in with her today for I know she will not be little forever.  But I didn't because, alas, my daughter is a horrible sleeper; one day, though, I have no doubt in my mind that I will crawl in bed with her just because I can.

Each night I pray over my sweet girl--I pray that she would come to know Jesus and love him with her whole heart, that she would serve him, honor him, and tell others about him.  I pray that God would continue giving me the strength and endurance I need to raise her to the best of my ability, that He would teach me how to raise her in a God honoring way, and I thank him each night that he has chosen me and Dan to raise her even if at times we feel like we do not know what we are doing.  (I also pray for straight sleep--tonight I prayed for five hours.  I mean, we serve a big God who cares even about the sparrows, I know He cares for me and my lack of sleep...)

But tonight, it hit me.  It hit me that I think God smiles at me an awful lot when He sees how much my Type A personality has been changed.  Albeit, reluctantly, but it has had to change.  My house is not immaculate any longer, in fact, I could write my name in the dust on my coffee table.  There are two loads of laundry that need to be folded; one of which has needed to be folded for nearly five days.  There is another basket of clothes of Eliana's that needs to be put away that has been sitting in my living room for over a week, dishes that need to be washed and others that need put in the dish washer; my bed does not get made every day any longer, and I'm lucky if it gets made once a week.  I have no shame in not showering every day or wearing a shirt or sweats with spit up on it.  My carefree spending days have been put to an end, and I now proudly clip coupons and make it a game for myself to see how much money I can save each week with grocery shopping. 

And I never knew life could be so sweet.

I am in love with being a mom.  I am in love with Eliana.  And I am in love with my husband who does more for me than most could imagine. 

But most importantly, I am in love with the One who has prepared me my entire life for this, who gave me the desire to be a wife and a mom, who has been chipping away at the control I like to have over my life, and who gives me the strength each day when I question my abilities.

I am so undeserving, yet He has chosen me anyway. 

God truly did answer with JOY when He gave me Eliana Joy; I just did not realize how many ways or on how many levels he was going to answer over these last seven months.

So blessed.  So thankful.  So unworthy.

Lord, thank you does not seem like enough, but yet I find myself repeating
it over and over.  You are so good to me, and I praise you for
the ways that you are teaching me and growing me through the fun times
and the not so fun times of motherhood.  Guide me, teach me, and
use me.  You are so worthy.  I love you, Abba.