Anyway, I've been thinking lately about a lot of things. Perhaps it is because Mother's Day is on Sunday or perhaps it's just because I am me and I think a lot. But, I just feel the need to say how blessed I am. I have been so overwhelmed at the goodness of God and his blessings in my life over the past few weeks, it almost brings me to tears. And the few of you who read this blog, you know that is a big deal because I am not someone who usually cries easily. It's almost one of those times in life where I feel like things are going so well that I am almost anticipating something bad happening, and I hate that I think like that. So I am praying that the Lord helps me to change my thinking and that He just allows me to relish in the blessings He has given me. This is a good time to remember that my life verse (picked out in high school) is Matthew 6:34; "Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow for tomorrow will worry about itself, each day has enough trouble of its own."
But seriously, I am so thankful for where I am at in life and for where how God is leading me. Most nights, I go to bed tired from caring for an energetic, ornery, and hilarious one year old, but my heart overflows with love for her. Most nights, I want to go in and wake her up to play with her some more or go in and put her in bed with me so that I can have a few extra snuggles. I restrain myself, and my husband refuses to let me. It's hard to believe how fast this year has gone by with her, and during the no sleep/cry all the time phase, there were times that I wondered if we would ever make it through. But we did and now I only have faint memories of what that was like. (That can only be from God...trust me.)
I don't think I have ever worked so hard at something in my life, though. Yes, it absolutely brings me the most joy I have ever experienced, but getting to where we are now has been some HARD work. And, it amazes me that after all that hard work, I still want more kids--as many as my husband will let me have, actually. Even if they are all as difficult as Eliana as infants and as stubborn as she is now, it is worth it and I will survive. Only by the grace of God, but that makes it worth it.
Through this joy that I have been experiencing and feeling, I have realized how passionate I am about being a mom and a wife and just my family in general. But through this growing passion of mine, I have realized that there are sacrifices that have been made and that will continue having to be made in the years to come.
(Confusing yet?...Most of the time I confuse myself, but bear with me.)
You see, my husband asked me the other night how my internship was when I got home as I trying to get dinner around for Eliana. (Have I mentioned that she is one of the pickiest eaters ever and has texture issues? She may live on toasted cheese for the rest of her life...) And I responded with, "It was fine." Because it was just that...fine. And he said something to the effect that, "You know, the one difference I have noticed between your internship and your previous job is that you are not nearly as excited about what you are doing now as what you were. When you were working you would talk non-stop about how your day went and now your response is just that it was fine."
Woah...for one, I was shocked that he was that observant and for two, I had never thought about it like that. But he was right. (And man I hate when he is right...ha. Kidding, kind of.) I really enjoy what I am doing, but counseling is much different than what I did previously. And it isn't as "exciting" if that term can be used loosely. (I mean in a counseling office you typically don't have to deal with cockroaches, lice, or people giving you obscene amounts of parenting advice after their children have been removed by the state.) And there is a part of me that misses that...I know, I know, I'm crazy, but I do. And I probably always will.
Now, I am sure that some of you are like, why will you always miss it? Why can't you just go back to it? Well, I could, I am sure, but I have to ask myself at what cost would it be for me to go back to it? And, that cost of sacrificing time with my little girl and my family is just not worth it because after my relationship with the Lord the thing I am most passionate about is my family. And then, if I actually made a list of the things I am passionate about, the third thing I am passionate about it helping other people. And in counseling, I am still helping other people, just in a different way than I was doing previously.
Obviously, I am well aware that God can move mountains and open that door for the "perfect" job where I could still work intensively with other people or change my thinking in some way or another, but if He doesn't, I am content. Not complacent...content. He has called me to be a lover of Him and a lover of people, and ultimately, I think, feel, and know that is what I am doing. It may look differently than what I thought it might after I receive my MSW in 15 weeks from Sunday (Alleluia.), but I don't think that is a bad thing. I think it is a good thing, because He has known the plans for my life all along.
And that is yet another reason that my heart overflows with thankfulness and praise. So who knows, besides Him, where I will be in 3 years, 5 years, 15 years or even 50 years...but I know that as long as I keep my passions, God, family, and others in order, I will always be blessed in ways beyond my wildest dreams.