well, the reality is that i leave in less than two weeks now. the reality of boarding a plane to fly halfway around the world again for seven weeks is quite overwhelming. i can't believe i'm doing it again, and although i've been to the country twice before, i have no idea what to expect.

the past few weeks have been rather busy with trying to catch up with everyone i want to see before i leave and with trying to get things in order for leaving...i feel like i have slowed down much since graduation, and the reality of it is, i haven't. i think i romanticized in my head how great it would be to be home for five weeks. not that home hasn't been great, because it has been. i've had countless encouraging conversations with my dad and mom and have laughed hysterically with them both almost on a daily basis. but back while i was at school, i had imagined myself pouring over scripture, praying alllll the time, and planning for this summer. and i have been doing those things, but there just doesn't seem to be enough time in the day to do it to the extent that i had wanted to.

regardless, as busy as these past few weeks have been, i would say it's pretty safe to say that Satan has done a good job of distracting me despite my valiant attempts to stand firm against it. it frustrates me to no avail when i think about how good Satan is at getting our eyes of Jesus, or maybe i shouldn't speak for everyone. let me try that again, it frustrates me to no avail when i think about how good Satan is at taking MY eyes off Jesus...perhaps you can relate, and if you can't, well, i'd love hearing how you avoid Satan's antics.

my purpose of this blog today, though, was not to complain about how busy i have been, but i guess, my purpose in this blog (if blogs can have a purpose) was to share a little about how Satan has been distracting and then the truth the Lord revealed to me last night.

so let me begin back a few days ago. i could tell that something wasn't quite right with the way i was feeling, but just chalked it up to nerves about my trip that was so fast approaching. i kind of pushed off the uneasy feelings for a couple of days, and then, it was almost as if the Lord said to me, "When are you going to take the time to tell me what's really on your heart?" i tried the excuse of telling him that i didn't have anything to say, but yet, He replied with, "Oh, but i think you do..." and then i tried the next excuse of i'm really tired tonight, how about in the morning? and He patiently replied to me saying, "You know just as well as I do that you are not consistent with doing devotions in the morning, so are you willing to push your tiredness aside and share your heart with me?"

i eventually realized i could never come up with an excuse good enough to not share what was on my heart with Him. the frustrating part was, though, that i had no idea where to begin...but i think that's normal, at least for me. so anyway, i began journaling and the words just kind of flooded the pages. as my hand moved across the page, i saw a common theme being written that i'm not sure i had ever experienced before.

fear.

when i came to this realization i tried to come up with times in my life that i have been fearful of things. as i layed in my bed, i couldn't really come up with anything. i'm not the kind of girl that is afraid of spiders or snakes or bugs really in general...i'm not afraid of the dark, i'm not afraid of public speaking, and i'm not afraid of the water. but as i flipped back through the pages that i had just written, i realized that i was fearful of every single thing i prayed about. i was fearful about going to india for seven weeks, i was fearful about being away from home for so long, i was fearful about missing out on the planning of my sister's wedding, i was fearful about what i am going to be doing when i get back from india, i was fearful about whether or not i would be able to find a job, i was fearful about being a burden, i was fearful about the speaking engagement that Rebecca and i will be participating in in India, i was fearful about how i am going to react to Johnson not being at the orphanage, and the list could go on and on.

talk about overwhelming and feelings of inadequacy. after i realized all of these things, i began to say to myself, "how in the WORLD did i get to this point? i've never been at a place like this before in my life." and then it hit me. Satan was working in a way that i wasn't expecting to distract me from what the Lord has in store for me.

i knew in my head that the Lord has every single one of those things under control that i was fearful of, but somehow Satan intercepted that message from getting to my heart. how annoying!

so as the days continued i tried to be more aware of the things in which i was fearful of...i began being more intentional of praying against the spirit of fear and asking the Lord to protect me from the Evil One's schemes. obviously, it was not a quick fix, and i would even venture to say that it still isn't all the way fixed and i'm not sure when it will reach that point or if it ever will. but i do know, in my head and in my heart, that being in the will of God is the safest place for me to be, and that's exactly where i have found myself.

but God wasn't done with me yet...

as i sat in the living room with my mom last night, she conveniently turned on her TiVo-ed episode of Joyce Meyer. she's done this a couple of other times when i've been sitting in the living room with her late at night, and every other time, i've allowed myself to be distracted by facebook or other various things, but from the moment mom turned the show on, it was almost as if the Lord was saying to me, "Tonight, this is for you..." i kind of brushed it off and went back to planning for India, but as i looked up, i saw the topic she was going to be speaking on...

Faith versus Fear

i rolled my eyes and said to the Lord, "Ok, God, i get it...go ahead and speak." (i'm very thankful that i serve a God who has a sense of humor, and that he loves me despite my sarcastic and all too honest attitude sometimes.)

now you would think i have learned by now that when i ask God to speak how dangerous it truly can be, and i mean dangerous in the best way possible. anyway. as Joyce started talking my mom paused the show literally 3 minutes in saying, "she just says so much stuff, i can't write it all down fast enough." i retorted back with, "well mom, why don't you type it out on your computer rather than had writing it." she pretty much ignored me and continued writing until she had what she wanted on her paper and then started the tv again. before i knew what happened, i had a word document opened on my computer typing as quickly as i could trying to write down the words of truth this lady on the tv was saying. sounds pretty ridiculous, i know, right?!

anyway. Joyce began talking about how there are very few people in this world that actually end up doing what God has for them to do in their life because of fear, but she was quick to remind her listeners that even though Satan has used fear to distract and discourage those who are trying to follow Jesus, God has given us faith which is far more powerful than fear. We just have to know how to execute it.

The simple truth is this; God knows what we are fearful of, but He has already given us the faith we need to overcome that fear. (See Romans 12:3)

So as i listened, i was thinking to myself, "ok, i get that faith trumps fear, but how in the world am i to execute that faith that i have already been given?" well, i was in luck because that was exactly what Joyce addressed next. She went on to say, "You release your faith through your thoughts, your words, your actions, and of course through prayer. You can't sit around and think fear thoughts and walk in faith. What we think about is very important; what we meditate on is very important"

It was the second sentence, though, that really caught my attention. "You can't sit around and think fear thoughts and walk in faith." seems simple, but i think it's easier said than done. i mean, when i think about how overcome with fear i was that night about everything going on in my life, i had no room for faith...so the fear just flooded my every thought. but once i finally decided that i wanted to walk in faith and started being intentional in praying i quickly recognized how much more powerful my faith that my God, my Father, and my Creator has given me is than any fear that Satan tries to distract me with.

anyway. Joyce went on to say some pretty profound things; at least they were profound to me because they were what i needed to hear. but she said, "Faith is simple; it is believing God, believing the word of God, and believing his truth more than what the world is telling you."

now, i'm not sure i would go as far to say that faith is simple, because i think having faith in such a complex, wonderful, powerful God sometimes can be difficult because we are human; however, i fully believe as Christians we have to recognize that when the world is discouraging us from following what God has called us to, we have to believe that his truth far exceeds anything that we could comprehend or understand. and we must take refuge in that.

1 John 4:4 says, "Greater is He that is in me, than he that is in the world." when one stops to look at what this verse is really saying, he or she is able to quickly realize that the first He the verse is referring to is God and the he the verse is referring to about being in the world is Satan. so read that again, "Greater is He that is in me, than he that is in the world." read it. memorize it. and rejoice in it.

not only has God given us the faith we need to overcome any fear that Satan brings into our lives, but God also tells us right there in 1 John 4:4 that HE is greater than the one who lives in the world. what comfort that brings...

anyway, i realize i'm writing a novel, but i'm not quite done yet...

One of the final things Joyce talked about in the short 20-25 minutes that she was on our tv last night was about the fact that "It's so much fun to pray for something, and it's so great when you get to the end of it, but it's the middle that sucks." now, maybe i liked her last night because she was willing to say sucks while she was preaching, but really, i think i liked her so much because she wasn't afraid to speak truth. but how true was her statement about the middle sucking?! i mean when you think about how there are times in your life when you prayed for the Lord to change you or ask him to cause you to grow; it's fun to pray that to see how God will answer and when you get to the end of it, it feels good, but as you're going through the changing or growing process i'll be the first to raise my hand and say, "this sucks! get me out!!" (i never really think i mean for the Lord to get me out, but sometimes i wish the process didn't have to be so painful.)

so the middle sucks. plain and simple. God never promised for any of it to be easy; He just promised to never leave us in the midst of it. and if i had to say, the middle is where i have found myself over the course of the last few weeks. and i'm not sure where the end is, but i do know that as much as i wish it didn't have to hurt so much to grow and mature, i wouldn't trade any of it.

i'm thankful i am able to look back on the course of the past few weeks and say, "wow, i've come a long way, and even though i have a long way to go, i'm thankful i am able to recognize how powerful faith is." i'm thankful that i was able to identify the fact that Satan was using fear to distract me, discourage me, isolate me, and cause me to doubt. i'm thankful that i will never be the same because of these lessons i've learned. i'm thankful that God has already given me the faith i need to overcome fear that comes into my life. and i'm thankful that He that is in me, is greater than he that is in the world.

and just remember, as Joyce put it last night, "No matter how overpowering fear feels to you, your faith is always bigger."

amen? amen!!