as the cursor blinks at me on my computer screen, it is almost as though it is mocking me for not knowing where to begin. it's saturday night, and i have found myself alone, again in my red chair, listening to some thumping noise coming from the room upstairs. the tv is on, multiple games of word twist have been played, another webcam has attempted to be installed, and yet the night is still young.

as i have walked, more like sprinted, through this semester it's hard for me to believe that it's almost february. actually, three months from tomorrow is graduation. my schedule has been unlike any ever before, and if i am being completely honest, i'm not sure i'll ever adjust to it. i miss lunch and coffee dates with friends, and i miss lazy weekday afternoons where stories and laughter flow in abundance. i miss having a consistent schedule and i miss how easy being intentional used to be for me.

as i am continuing to work through the things that i miss, i am beyond thankful for where i have been placed for my practicum. not only is the work environment more welcoming and encouraging than i could ever explain, the convenient location of it being less than 5 minutes from iwu has been more helpful than i imagined. not only does it mean that i don't have to wake up incredibly early to plan for an hour commute, but it also has allowed me to come back to school on random breaks during the day, and in those times the Lord has provided me with some divine appointments. divine appointments that will not easily be forgotten...

it continues to amaze me at how the Lord works. it amazes me that he knows what we need before we do, and it amazes me even more that he will give that to us without hesitation.

in the midst of trying to adjust to life in the real world while still living at school, my thoughts have not stop traveling halfway around the world to india. emails have come about once a week to update about johnson. he's still in the hospital and continues to be on and off the ventilator. i feel as though they still are unsure as to whether or not he is going to make it, but i continue praying for a miracle.

on tuesday night of this week, after i received the latest update about johnson, i found myself in the lobby sitting in front of the fireplace in tears as i tried to explain to a dear friend of mine what i was thinking. i'm not entirely sure i ever really put words to it, but it hurts so much to know that i could lose him, and it hurts that much more feeling selfish for wanting him to hang on so i can see him, spend time with him, laugh with him, and learn from him again. i hate knowing he's laying in a hospital bed halfway around the world, and as stacey put it the other day, not receiving the care that he could be receiving here in the states. and yet, i hate that it's been almost a month since he's been there, and i haven't been able to see him or talk to him. i'm still tempted almost every day to buy a plane ticket and make my way over there, and i don't think that will ever change either.

it's hard to believe that i've been home for six months. not a day has gone by that i haven't thought about my kids or the rest of my family over there whose lives have gone on without me. and as jess and i watched the videos from our time there on thursday night, it truly seemed like we were just there yesterday. it's amazing to me that almost exactly at this time last year plans started falling into place for last summers trip. and as i walk in the path the Lord has set out for me, i continue hoping and praying everyday that i will find myself back at the place i left such a huge part of my heart again this summer.

in the mean time, though, may i continue learning, growing, and trusting. may the Lord allow me to be a seeker an speaker of truth, may he continue to break my heart for what breaks his, and may he continue helping me to see myself through his eyes rather than my own...