it's been such a long while since i've updated; i feel as though the cursor blinking at me on this screen is doing so as if to mock me. but anyway, a lot has been going on, but i'm not sure if this update will bring justice to the last five weeks of my life.


life has been crazy to say the least in these last five weeks. there have definitely been good times and there have definitely been frustrating times. i have been reminded more than ever before how much i crave control and how much i don't do well admitting when i need help. and really, for those of you who have been reading my blog for the past few months or years or who know me at all should not be surprised by that statement.


let me first start off by saying that i am so blessed with the life that i live, and that i by no means am intending to paint a sob story about the last five weeks of my life. all i am intending to do is share at least partially what i have been processing through and learning from. as well as the joys i have experienced along the way.


so, with that said, allow me to begin: God has continued humbling me in my workplace each day. i think that over the last five weeks i have been busier with work than i have been since i started working full time. while it is great to be busy and to not be sitting in the office all day, i have found more than ever my heart breaking for those with whom i work. not only has work been trying because of the number of clients i have been carrying, but it has also been trying because of the situations i have found myself in. i feel like i have this great privilege of working with some of the most forgotten adults and children in our american society, but their stories are sad. depressing. disheartening. and seemingly hopeless. i have found myself sitting in the court room thinking about how parents can get to the point of losing their rights to their children, and how the children never asked to be put into the situation they have been put in. i have found myself wanting to cry with clients who have been through more in their 7-16 short years on earth than i have been through or could imagine going through in my 24 years. i have found myself angry with the ignorance of people and angry because of people's laziness. i have found myself frustrated beyond words because of others being irrational, and i have found myself annoyed at parents who find it ok to let their babies cry.

but i have been humbled each and every day as God challenges me to love them anyway. and honestly, i suck at it a lot of days. but, because of His faithfulness He gives me the strength to get out of every bed each morning and try again. there have been a lot of days where i have been so exhausted that i don't want to get out of bed and where i have hit the snooze button a few too many times. there have been several days where i long for one of my clients to no show and there have been times where i feel like crying because my clients who consistently show up for their appointments are making absolutely no progress.

but i am reminded that, i am not the Ultimate Judge. i am not the One who it going to decide these people's fate. and, to be quite honest, i don't completely know the condition of their hearts. and the most i can actually do, is show them by the way i live my life that there is Someone i am living for. Someone bigger than myself, and Someone who is able to guide and direct my steps. so, i am continually reminded that i cannot play God. i cannot make people's decisions for them, i cannot make them do something they are unwilling to do, and i cannot save them from the choices they have made. so despite my inadequacies, frustrations, and failures i am willing to continue being His vessel in this manner as long as He tells me to.

moving on, my life has also been kept interesting as i have also applied to grad school for my Maters in Social Work. after much praying, searching, and investigating, i found a completely online program through the University of New England that seemed to be the perfect fit for me and where dan and i are at in life. i would not have to give up my saturdays for the next two years, and i would have more flexibility to continue working as well with this program. so i filled out the informational portion online, wrote my personal mission statement, got my transcripts, got my references to write letters, and had it all sent it. and, legitimately, i found out about 4 days before my application was due to UNE that IUPUI, right here in indiana, is going to be starting an online MSW program in 2012. talk about horrible timing for a slightly OCD control freak.

i think that when i texted dan that day he was probably dreading what the next few weeks would look like for him as i frantically tried to get my questions answered about what this new program might look like, how much money i could save, if advanced standing was going to be offered in 2012, if it would be worth not graduating until 2015 as compared to 2013, and probably 239285020 other questions, and in all honesty, i can't say i blame him. i don't know how anyone could stand to live with me when i am going through one of those freak out times. (kudos to my parents for doing it for 23.5 years and for daniel doing it willingly since we've been married!)

and legitimately, i did freak out. there were several times i was on the verge of tears because i hate not knowing what's coming next and i hate not having a clear answer as to what the right decision is and what is the wrong decision. and let us not forget how stressed out i have been with work. but God ever so gently nudged me back to him, quietly and patiently asking me when i was going to just trust him. and when i was going to just surrender the situation to him and start praying instead of freaking out trying to control things.

i don't have any problem admitting it now, but i was embarrassed by my foolishness and i'm pretty sure that is why it was so hard to give the situation to him. i know in my heart of hearts that if i pray and talk to Jesus about what is going on in my life, my life is so much easier. time and time again i hold too tightly to what is going on and i am blinded somehow to the freedom there is in laying situations at His feet.

so the next few days were spent making sure i was intentionally seeking His face and His desire for me. and, even as i sit here and write this about three weeks later, i don't have a clear answer as to what i am "suppose" to do. but, i can tell you that i was accepted to UNE on monday and that even though i don't know for 100% what i am going to do, i much more at peace, much more rational, and probably much less annoying to my husband, family, and friends.

so that's work and grad school for me. but there's more. (and this is why i should never go 5 weeks without blogging.) in the midst of everything i have had going on, dan has been crazy busy with his paramedic schooling. his classes on wednesdays started back up mid-january, but his 12 hour clinical shifts have also started during the week. he's also still working part-time as an EMT. and part time pretty much means he's working every day that he is not in class or doing a clinical shift. i have no shame in admitting that our schedules are nuts, and crazy schedules make it difficult for us to see each other or spend quality time together. not the picture that i had going into marriage. it has also been discovered that because dan and i don't like to spend money and because our crazy schedules don't allow for us to see our friends, we have failed epically at continuing to date since we have been married. now again, i'm not painting a sob story, because we are learning and we are improving, but for anyone who is not yet married and who is reading my blog, make dating a priority even after you get married. it's necessary and if you make it a habit right away, it will not be easily lost when life gets unexpectedly crazy. but again, Our God has been faithful in providing us with just enough quality time and fun moments together to help us survive. and He has taught us so much about loving one another well when we're tired, drained, and or emotional that i probably wouldn't trade anything that we've been through for a less busy life.

other things that have changed recently that i don't have the stamina to write a long paragraph about each of them consist of: volleyball starting back up twice a week for me (which has been simply w.o.n.d.e.r.f.u.l.), me being asked to join the missions committee at our church, me recognizing that i can be compassionate to a fault, us trying to discern God's will for us when it comes to going overseas this summer or this year in general, and i am sure several other things that i cannot think of at the moment.

but one of the most beautiful things i have continued to be amazed at over the last five weeks and the last thing i want to blog about tonight is the power of relationships. as life has changed drastically for me since i got married, the Lord has been so faithful at placing the exact people in my life just when i need them. be it my friend who is ten years older than me that listens with such patience and genuineness, my friend who i have known for over a decade that i have somewhat recently just reconnected with that understands my heart and desire to make everyone happy, my friends from college who have seen me grow and change in so many ways, or my friend who is nearly eight years younger than me that speaks just about as much truth into my life as anyone, i am blessed. and i would not be who i am today without them and their support. and my hope and prayer is that i can be the kind of friend to them that they are to me.

i am a work in progress, and i am thankful the my God is not done with me yet.
until next time, may i continue striving to live wholly devoted to Him, seeking His face in all i say, do, and think.